I just want to take your time.

I'm going to step back from D. Yes, he's good to me but the more I think about t, the more it stresses me out. While I love J and I'm grateful to have him in my life, I cannot do this again. I cannot have another J. It will kill me. I cannot do another all over the place crossing professional lines but never fully crossing them garbage. I can't do the says he's here for me but makes it difficult because he's all over the place again. 

At some point you have to protect yourself. 

How do you balance self-love?

I think that that's something that has come up a lot for me lately. And I'm hoping that one of these days I really start to believe it. Not for a little while, while it boosts me up but down to the core. I don't see myself the way that others do and I know that. And I know we all look at our flaws and focus on things other people don't even notice about us until we point it out, but I think that my self perception is even more distorted than most. I have spoke about this before but I am consciously aware that I'm in pretty good shape and that I am not the size that I see. I've never been a tiny girl and it's always been a bit of a complex for me because I don't possess the petite, short, or overly feminine qualities of even focusing on makeup or hair or nails. And that's a very catch all judgment of women and a poor description of the beauty and abilities and unique talents that women possess. But those are things that society tells us women should be. Well I'm not petite and I played sports and I was one of the guys. And now I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that who I am as a human being is beautiful. I spend my days building up children and teaching them to love themselves for who they are. Teaching them to find their strengths and passions and own them because they have something exquisite that only they can bring to the world. Teaching them to assess and block out the negative energy and comments and attention they will receive. Teaching them they're stronger than that. But I'm a hypocrite because I don't believe those things myself. I'm trying to, I'm working at it, I want to. But it takes time to change the core of a person. It takes time to develop positive thought patterns about the goodness of myself. To learn to love myself as unconditionally as I love others. That's always been a weakness for me and I think a part of that is I'm afraid to become too self-involved. I know the type of full-out commitment I have when I finally decide to do something and I'm afraid I'll lose an altruistic part of me. I'm afraid I won't be able to balance self-confidence with humility.  

Thanks? I guess?

Last night this girl I was serving told me I looked like some celebrity. I don't even remember her name but I was like oh I don't know her and the girl was like she's really pretty. And I was kind of taken aback, so I said thank you. And I this girl told me about her and said not to look her up because she's apparently not very nice but she's pretty so just look at her pictures. She's 44! 

Like okay so do you think I'm pretty or do you think I look nearly twice my age? 

Speechless.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/09/dear-miss-independent-stop-carrying-the-weight-of-the-world/ 

Me too.

Give credit where credit is due.

I'm really hard on him. And I know why I do it, because I expect more from him. I expect him to be willing to do for me the things I would do for him. But I forget that he is. He is willing to be there for me when I need him to be. I try to balance him as my friend and my boss and my extraneous feelings. But he deserves more credit than that. Any time that I tell him what I need from him, he's there: whole-heartedly. 

Tonight I asked him if I could take his dog and he told me he probably couldn't go far but to come anyway. So I did and Duke went for like 5 minutes before turning around. Then I sat and talked to him for almost 2 hours. He asked what was up and finally after an hour I started talking about it a bit. He reminded me that he couldn't do what I do and that I care. He's good at telling me funny things and getting my mind back to normal. He has proved he's there and I should give him credit for that. 

He's earned the benefit of the doubt.

What is it with me?

I'm frustrated today. Or sad. Or something. I don't know. I get down on myself sometimes. I know that I have a lot to offer the world and not in a cocky way but I know that I have strengths. Don't get me wrong, I'm also very aware that I have weaknesses. I am the type of person that does things whole heartedly. When I decide I'm in, I'm all in. It may take me 2 years to decide I'm all in, but when I do analyze every possible outcome, I'm all in.
I feel frustrated that I'm single. And I know that's stupid. There are so many cliches I could list right now it's not even funny. I just haven't found the right person, it's not the right time, I'm too independent, I'm too busy, etc. But eventually I just get pissed off. I do have a lot to offer the world so what's the deal. Why does everyone else find someone? How come everyone else gets love?
Realistically, I haven't been in a relationship in years. Years. 5 years. I know I wasn't ready for the longest time and that's okay. But what gives now? I don't understand.
I am a good person. I love unconditionally. I work hard. I'm smart and motivated and funny. I take care of my body by eating healthy and working out. I cook. I've got an education and a job. I'm attractive. I genuinely care about others and their well-being, sometimes to a fault. Altruism surrounds my core. So what is it? What is wrong with me? How come men don't want to be with me? How come I'm always alone? How do I drive people away?
Sure, I'm overly analytical. I'm incredibly awkward when I'm interested in someone. I can be overwhelming. I'm too sensitive sometimes and I'm often too critical of others. I'm definitely too critical of myself. I can be harsh and judgemental and I don't handle laziness or incompetence well. I work myself to the point of exhaustion and then usually need significant time to regenerate. I'm miserable when I'm hungry. I'm a poor sleeper. I'm selfish sometimes and I overstep my boundaries, but my heart is always in the right place.  I am a terribly embarrassing drunk and I'm immature sometimes.
I could write a list of my strengths and weaknesses for hours. But the thing is, we all have them. We all have things we like about ourselves, things we're proud of and things we're not so proud of. I have made my fair share of mistakes, I still do; every day. So how come everyone else can find someone? How come everybody else has somebody to love them back? It's not fair that I have to be alone. I know, life's not fair. As I sit here, fighting the tears in the corners of my eyes I just want to know what is wrong with me? What is it? What is the reason men don't want to be with me? Even for the people who aren't married and go through break-ups, they have someone; at least for a little while. Nobody has wanted to be with me for over 5 years. What does that say about me as a person? Please, somebody tell me what is wrong with me because I'll fix it. Or I'll try. I really don't want to be alone forever.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

"People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character".

Revitalize yourself.

I took yesterday and today off. I feel a little bit guilty but I really needed it. I've been so overwhelmed and not taking care of myself. I need to make more time for myself. I think it will be good when I move because I will have a table to sit down and work at so hopefully during the week I can accomplish more so in Saturday's I can relax. It's funny you know. How just not being immersed in children with attitude can replensish your energy. Sleeping, working out, cooking and meal prepping, cleaning and just doing work at home in sweats can heal you. I've been purging a lot. Anything I don't wear/use regularly: gone. 

We have so much stuff but what does it really mean. Do we need it? It's just heavy. It's unnecessary weight we carry around. And I need to release some. Start new. Refresh. 

It's true. Blink and you miss it.

You have the power to decide.

Define your worth before someone else does. 

Note to self.

"The person who broke you cannot fix you. Remember that."

How healing laughter can be.

Long term goals.

Well it's official. I'm moving. 

Walk humbly with God.

How we walk with the broken speaks louder than how we sit with the great. 

Confused.

A part of me doesn't understand men though. I mean, I inherently over analyze everything and I know that I'm doing that right now. So on Tuesday, he bought my dinner and made a special trip to get me a coffee even though he didn't want one. On Thursday, we went for coffee on our prep and he didn't get one, drove, and wasn't going to let me pay until I forced him. On Friday, he said are you going to go for a drink and I said I don't know maybe. He's like maybe ..what do you mean, are you going or not because I'm not going unless you go? I was still on the fence but he convinced me to go. As soon as I sat down, there were 2 lemon drop shots placed in front of me, that I of course didn't pay for. 

I'm mostly perplexed by our conversations and the fact we've talked about it so candidly and he says and does the things he does but it's still in the pre-phase. I don't understand why we 

haven't crossed the line to be honest. 

I know it's a terrible idea and so does he because well it crosses sooo many lines.  Comments are being made about us now by a few people. We were walking down the hall together the other day because we were leaving and H said to us, "you two better be careful, people are going to start talking about how much time you spend together".  D and I laughed and he says, "nah, if we were sleeping together we wouldn't be caught anywhere near each other". 

He has a point. Another day RD said, hey b, where's your buddy D? I said beats me?! The entire staff room looks at me like what are we missing. 

When we went for coffee I know people were talking because we left together on our prep that's the same. 

In the dance, this kid who has already asked us why we aren't together and told D that he likes us together grabs my hand, grabs D's hand and pulls us towards each other and both of us just burst out laughing. 

Needless to say, people are talking. 

Fun.

Content.

It's Halloween and I'm perfectly content at home. I am looking at social media at all the people going out and I don't feel like I'm missing out, at all. I was invited to do multiple things tonight, originally I was supposed to work. But I feel content at home, doing school work and watching hockey with a glass of wine in hand. I just feel over it. I was too tired to even conceive the idea of going out.
I honestly am really happy. I wish I had someone to share nights like this with but I'm okay without him.
I am thinking of moving and I am so torn. I think it's the best move financially for now. I should really do it and I know that I should. It's not like I'm really giving up my independence either.
I don't know we'll see.

Fun.

Comments all across the board. What do you do when you know something is a bad idea but you want to do it anyways. I mean getting involved, even if only sexually with someone at work is a bad idea. I know that. But I mean, I want to sooooo bad. 

Yesterday morning we're standing in the gym and he says, "I'm so stressed," so I asked why. He said because somebody thinks I would be fun to sleep with. No one has ever said that to be before. I'm like you're kidding. He's like no one has ever said they think I would be "fun" to sleep with. What the fuck does that mean? Fun? Not wild, or crazy or exotic in bed, fun? You think I'm gonna crack a joke or what?!  I'm flattered but come on, why the word fun? 

I nearly died. 

Haha so later in the day he says we should've dealt with this last week but we had other things to think about... Like how fun I am! 

I laughed and said hey I could've said I think you'd be boring. It would probably be terrible. He just looks at me with the most intense confidence and says it wouldn't, I'm certain of it. 

Again later a few of us were talking about the song ignition and one girl said how come that's not on the playlist. He's like that's on a VERY different playlist. The other girl says ya haha the one that require Kleenex and a hand. He just looks at me and smirks. 

Oh the places this disaster could go.