12.

Oh I originally wanted to write because I saw so many couples out tonight and like virtually all of my friends here are in relationships. And I remember the first time I went to studio, I was with number twelve. I don't know I guess I just miss having someone some days if that makes sense. JV was asking about him tonight and  was basically like I just want to tell him to delete your number and leave you alone. You've deleted his, why can't he leave you to move on.
And I know exactly what it is, he wants to know I'm still here. I promised him I always would be. And I don't know I don't want to be a naive girl so I never talk about how I feel about number twelve or the dreams I have about him etc. I'd just rather pretend they don't exist. I guess at the end of the day I just want to believe it was all worth something. I want to believe that the way I feel means something, that this doesn't happen to everyone. I mean we broke up a year and a half ago and we can still barely talk because it's just too hard and we both know it. He wants to be sure he can still invoke a reaction from me, he wants to know I still love him the way I promised I always would. To me, love is unconditional. True love that is. But I think that's rare. I think many marriages are lies.
But I still just think what if I'm just being ridiculous? What if it didn't mean anything? What if it doesn't mean anything? Does everybody feel like this? Is this just the way life is? I don't have the answers. In fact, I'm not really all that sure I believe in love.