Gatsby. Gets me every time.

Silly little brat.

He's such an odd human. Last night his best friend S came in and afterwards we were talking and he was asking me what I thought of J and if she was nice etc. Then I said yeah I don't know if she knows who I am though... She recognizes me from here but I don't think she knows I'm B. And he's like no she definitely knows about B, she might not put your face to the name but she knows who I'm talking about when I say B.

It's just kind of weird because he's been making a point to include me in his life with he people he cares about. 

It was funny because he's like I'm just going to Starbucks to get some instant coffee and I said pardon? So he repeated himself and T was like did you just offer to get her something from Starbucks? And J was like no. I laughed and said yeah right.  And T's like haha J you're still not going to offer her one even after I suggested it... And both T and I started laughing and he's like you're such a jerk J. 

Jaded.

I'm glad that people know how to have fun and enjoy themselves and whatever but I look on Facebook and all I see pictures of people where I come from is partying. It is honestly what pictures of my life look like from 3-5 years ago. Maybe I'm missing out but I just don't understand it. I have zero desire for that lifestyle. It doesn't appeal to me at all. How is doing that over and over fun? They're exactly the way they were 8-10 years ago. Maybe I'm just a grumpy old lady now but it just has zero appeal to me. Who is really jaded here? Me or them? 

Simplicity.

It's funny because open honest communication usually clears a lot up. 

That was nice.

I warned him that I was a damn mess and that I would probably cry when I told him. As I sat there fighting back tears he said to me, "I want to cry for you. I can only imagine how you feel". 

Gratitude.

Tonight I finally told him. It's funny how something as simple as being honest with someone you care about can remove so much weight off your shoulders. He was so much better than I expected him to be. 

Self-destruct

Gratitude.

Today is a good day. I'm so grateful for D. He gave me a really strong dose of perspective today. He has been so good that way. He reminded me how lucky I am, truly. He told me to think about how much worse things could have been and to be grateful. He basically said, man up and deal with it. Not in an insensitive way just in a dose of reality type way. He often puts me in my place and then makes efforts to make me laugh. Tears were streaming down my face today and I was laughing concurrently. I'm grateful for his support. His hard to take honesty and his ability to make anything a joking matter. I don't honestly know where I would be without him in this. 

Isn't there always one more round?

You become a champion by fighting one more round. When things are tough, you fight one more round.
-James C. Corbett

Exhausted.

Why do I work so hard to be strong all the time? What difference does it make? When I'm strong, I have to do everything alone. If I were weak, maybe someone would help me. Maybe that's the problem. I'm too strong all the time. I'm not in actuality, I'm stubborn more than strong. And I'm proud. I hate to admit that I might need help. Or that I make mistakes. I hate to admit that I can't do it alone. I don't like relying on other people because if something doesn't work, I can't blame it on anyone else. If I fuck up, I fuck up. It's all on me. I am just so damn tired of being strong. 

Truth.

I'm really hurt by the fact that I blatantly told him I'm not okay, I need him and he's made zero effort to see me. 

Fragile.

It's funny because the whole outside world existing around me has absolutely no idea that I'm more fragile than a house built of straw on a windy day. I'm on the verge of breaking at any second and no one knows. My friends are all coming to me with their problems as usual and I don't know how to tell them that I don't have the energy or the strength to help them. I don't know how to tell them that I have to much weighing on my own mind to be able to assist them. 

You are more consistently inconsistent than I am.

I honestly should just never speak out loud. I never know what I'm talking about or I end up more confused than ever. 

Tonight I was almost finished work. They were going to let me leave so I could go with D to a housewarming party. Then all of a sudden I wasn't allowed to go anymore. It was like J found out I had plans with a male and then boom I'm not allowed to leave. 

Then his brother came. And he's like B have you never met T? And I was like nope. He's like why didn't you come introduce yourself and I was like well I'm not going to come interrupt you and he's like let's go. I'll introduce you. I talk about you and T said he's never met you.  

So I went over and met his brother. It's weird because like I know stuff about him but I have no idea what he knows about me. It was kind of awkward because like I've seen a video of him dancing half naked to the spice girls hahahahaha. 

I never know with him.

Last night I told mom I think he has a girlfriend. It was really strange actually. He came and spoke to us for quite some time. After he walked away, she said mm yeah I don't think so. 

I don't know what to think. I feel really disconnected from everyone right now. I don't blame him, I really haven't spoken to him much. I really haven't spoken to anyone much. I don't know what to say. I've only really talked to D. Everyone else I'm short with. I've really stepped back. I'm terrified to talk to anyone. I told J when I said I needed to talk to him that I didn't want anyone to know but I needed a friend. I was really afraid of the wrong person getting wind of it. I want to talk to him but I'm afraid. Mom asked me why I'm afraid. Am I afraid he won't like me anymore?

I told her I don't know what his feelings towards me are. What I'm afraid of is that he'll look at me different. I see myself differently. And I know we all make mistakes and a bad choice doesn't define you but I'm better than this and I know that I am and I know better. It changed how I view myself and in all honesty, that's going to be a continuous struggle for me. When I cheated on 12, it took me years to rebuild my self-respect and my self-confidence. I'm consciously aware of the fact that I'm not a bad person but right now, I certainly feel that way. 

I don't understand it right now.

Give it a thought.

I feel so disconnected.

My sister sent this to me today.

It's today.

This.