Melt my heart.

Fate.

I was just walking Duke and I met J's best friend S's mom. It was funny actually. She stopped and said, is that Duke? And I said yes. She's like oh amazing, him and Gilly are best friends! My daughter is best friends with J. And I said oh, is S your daughter? Yes!
So I am talking to this lady while Duke and Gilly are walking and playing and then she walks with me. She was so nice and started to tell me all of these things about J and S and how they've never been romantic but she always wished they were because she just adores J. She told me about business plans and such that they had and she was so open and honest. She told me that J and S have been friends since the 4th grade and how they went traveling together.
I like that people feel that way with me and I love hearing about J from other people. I love when someone else tells me things he doesn't. I have started to learn that he doesn't hide things, he just doesn't share things as freely as others. I get it too because I know, to a certain degree, what he's been through and he certainly has a lot to lose.
I still think that as lovely as it would be to have his money at his age, I think it would be tough. I think it's difficult because I mean I cannot imagine wondering if someone had ulterior motives every time I interacted with them. I cannot imagine how it would feel to have to think about that. And unfortunately him and T have such good hearts that they are often taken advantage of. T probably less that J because J is just so unbelievably kind-hearted.

I'm so dumb.

Why don't I get high more often? I literally just blaze and play with Duke hahahaha it's amazing.

Stupid girl, you should have known.

I guess that I thought I was over it completely. I thought that I was completely satisfied with us being friends and just letting it be. But the last week or two I've been reconsidering my life, how I feel. And the fact it's even crossing my mind again scares me.

Perplexed.

I talked to him last night, then this morning, then he called me this afternoon. Like you're in Paris. Go have fun. I promise I'll call if there's an explosion. 

I don't know I love it and hate it at the same time. I hate that B is at his beck and call to come help but I also was incredibly grateful that she could help me today and that she was so nice to me about it. 

I think he was drunk when I talked to him this afternoon. Granted it was like 1am for him hahaha. But still he was funny on the phone and I laughed and I'm just so indecisive. I don't know what I want or how I feel. 

S texted me like B, he loves you. He called you from Paris. But the other part of me is like yeah, and then asked to Facetime his dog haha. I mean we had a good chat and such but at the same time I just feel like one of his bitches at his beck and call. 

I honestly have no problem staying here and helping him and the stuff I've done is minute. But I still have this feeling that didn't really sink in until today when B showed up. And I know he'd do anything for me, I mean this morning I asked him for a jersey today and he's like OF COURSE. It was silly but he does things for me too and I know that. I mean he's on my resume for flip sakes. 

I think the hardest part is like I love him. I truly do love that weird little fucker. But I don't know if I'm in love with him. He makes me laugh and he literally possesses everything I want but I just don't honestly know. 

Torn.

He's kind of been pulling on my heart strings this week. I was thinking about it this morning. I love him. There's no question, I absolutely love him. The question remains, am I in love with him? Or am in love with who I want him to be?
That's a serious situation to sort out. He drives me crazy, he melts my heart, he's an incredible human being. He's also moody and weird and cold sometimes. So am I in love with him and all the things he does for me despite his dramatics? Or do I dramatize and emphasize all the good things he thinks/says because he possesses every single quality that I want?

Thanks pal.

I love that he left me wine and weed and chocolate. I've literally just been blazing and basking but I've accomplished so much soo I'm prettt satisfied.

Pondering.

Love. Graciousness.

I have so much to elaborate on from the last few days. Right now I'm laying in bed thinking about how much they love their mom. I mean I do, I really do love my mom but I admire how much they love her and show their love for her. This time I stayed at J's he had more time to prepare. He had the cleaning lady make my bed all nicely then he's got this silk and lace bedspread on too which I presume was his mom's. In the corner of the front entryway restaurant, there's a little picture of their mom sitting beautifully in a frame so subtly. My heart nearly melted.

He IS Christian Grey.

So I watched 50 Shades of Grey last night and I honestly thing Christian Grey is the sexiest man in the world. I also think that J is basically Mr. Grey. Actually.
I was laughing because S and I had a conversation about him being like Christian Grey a few weeks ago. But the more that I watched that movie, the more plausible it became. He is so particular about certain things and I was dying.
I don't think that that movie was like as inappropriate as people made it out to be. In fact, I find it incredible attractive for a man to be dominant, probably not to the degree that some people are into but like I want a man to know what he wants in the bedroom. Like confident men in control of their life is a turn on for me, it's heartbreaking when they aren't like that in the bedroom.
I sent S a message like he's renovating his bedroom this time and you can be damn sure I'm going to look at it this time!
Hahaha I am so stupid. But really it was nice of him to get me those stupid candy/chocolate/wine and he's like the cleaning lady comes on Saturday so you can make a huge mess and I'll never know ahaha.
I'm excited to spend the week with Duke. It will be nice to hang out with that little rascal and go for walks and play.

What a weird guy.

Silly emotions.

ALSO what the fuck is wrong with me???!!
I'm looking at year end gift ideas for my kids and I'm almost in tears. I don't even really like children.

Overwhelmed.

So I got day drunk Sunday and by day drunk I mean BLACKOUT. Fuck I haven't done that in so long. I am so disappointed in myself. I just don't want to be that person anymore. I don't like that girl. I don't like being that irresponsible and I know I need to not act like that. I had a blast, at least what I remember but Monday was ROUGH.
I drunk texted J and haven't even read through the conversation because I just don't care to. It might not even exist anymore but I don't know at this point. He is so understanding and literally just pokes fun at me when I do stupid stuff like that. I appreciate that so much. He doesn't make me feel shitty. He was like, I'm going to just not reply to your text messages when you make no sense and assume you're having too much fun because I get so confused! He wasn't like grow up, B. Don't be dumb, etc. All the things I said to myself, he didn't rub in my face. I mean, I apologized but he just laughed.
Then tonight when I texted him, he was so good. He made a conscious effort to cheer me up and I appreciate that so much.
I still find the hardest part of him to be his mood swings. He is seriously all over the map all the time. I never know what to expect. It's literally like a line from a Taylor Swift song, "I lived in your chess game but you changed the rules every day. Wondering which version of you I might get on the phone tonight...".
And I think that's the most frustrating part because tonight I was so hesitant to even call him. Then I did and he texted me apologizing and helped me with the silly ganache. Then he just let me rant and made jokes about all of the things that I was frustrated about so that I would laugh instead of stress.

I am so overwhelmed right now. Honestly. I am dealing with so much I can barely function. If I survive until June 15 without a mental breakdown I'll be so proud of myself.
So I had to make a ganache for a birthday tomorrow, I'm trying to sort out all of this trip winning/prize collection stuff  while simultaneously trying to get all of my benchmark and assessment testing done.
My mom had a treatment yesterday. We still don't know what is really happening with my grandma.
On Sunday J leaves so I have Duke for 10 days and have to pack and get all of my shit sorted out to take there. On Monday, the restaurant reopens so I will be working like 5 or 6 days a week at both jobs. Next Friday I can start applying for jobs so I'm trying to organize my resume and profile. The following Monday I will likely/hopefully have interviews. My sister is also having surgery next Friday so I somehow would like to make it home for that.
My ELL stuff was supposed to be due Friday is now due tomorrow afternoon. I have to finish all my LSPs and have them signed by parents.
There is just SO MUCH TO DO.

This is so important.

We are assholes.

Silly brain.

I'm fucking exhausted. But I'm wide awake.

Love this.

Reality or another universe?

So I think I won a 25000 dollar trip at teachers' convention?
Either to Peru, Italy, France, or Galapagos. My heart is racing and I don't even know if I believe this is real.

Drama KING.

He is SO dramatic. We were talking tonight because I guess the other day KR started blowing up his phone because she was at the pub by his house and she wanted him to pick her up or something and was like I'm not the girl I was when I worked for you, etc.
While I'm sure he made the story more elaborate than it was, I was laughing so hard because this girl has been in love with him for ages. I honestly admire how hard she's tried to get with him because I am just NOT that forward at all so it was really funny to me.
So he's like THEN a girl she's friends with from the bull is like hey J, I heard you were texting K the other night. And he's like ya she was drunk and texting me. And she's like that's not what I heard. I heard you texted her and offered to help her with her schooling and stuff.
I am DYING at this point in the story. He's like I would NEVER offer to do that for anyone PLUS if I wanted to get with her I would just say, "Hey K, remember all the times you hit on me and I completely shut you down? Well, I've changed my mind. Come over, I want to give it a go".
Like honestly I know him well enough to know he probably played into it a little bit because he LOVES the attention but there's no way he texted this girl and no way he would offer that to anyone. He's like I wouldn't even offer you that. What a stupid way to pick up a girl. Why would I make more work for myself. And in reality, he's right.
So I am of course a shit disturber and texted him tonight like, "look, I know I don't hold the same special place in your heart that K does and you didn't offer to edit my nursing essays, BUT would you please read over my resume for spelling or grammatical issues?"
Smartass says, "Yes, in fact I was just texting people looking for homework!"
So I'm a jerk and we shoot the shit for a bit and then I told him about today. Today kind of sucked because I had to watch people apply for my job. I don't even really want it, but it's safe. It's secure. And it's the security I want.
A friend also got the exact job I wanted which sucks but at the same time, I'd prefer his job to my own so perhaps that's an open door. Who knows. I don't know what I want.
So when I told J that he's like I bet that was pleasant. And I'm like yep dreamy. Your luck might be on the rise.
He's like don't tease me!
Dramatic. That's what he is. I never texted him back but I wanted to be like tease you? You're do dramatic. I already work for you 4 days a week and 5-6 when I'm on break. How much more do you want me to work? You're just upset because I don't work 12 hour days every day now.

Rejuvenate.

Yesterday we went out around Banff hiking. It was so beautiful. I needed that so much. The fresh air, laughter with friends, the beauty of nature. Sometimes we just need a little perspective of the vastness of our world, you know? To recognize what a tiny role we play in the wholeness of the world. That our problems, our frustrations are miniscule. The things we allow to rupture us are really minute. There is so much to be grateful for in the world. There is so much beauty and love and immensity in the world. We should choose to focus more on that. I must choose to focus more on that.