Poland meet RD.

He's coming to the wedding on Saturday. I've never introduced anyone else to my family-- not like this. They all met J but I never brought him home. I'm nervous and by nervous I mean absolutely completely terrified but excited at the same time.

We ran out of road in that one horse town.

Number twelve is engaged. I found out last week. I struggled a lot to put my feelings into words. I didn't know how to feel or how I should feel or how I was allowed to feel. 

At first, I was in immense shock. Now, I feel more concerned/ still shocked. The reason I say concerned is because it was less than a year ago the last time we were together. And it was 8 months ago that I responded to him one day by saying, "we are never getting back together". 

Last summer we spent hours talking about our lives and how nice it was to be able to be friends and to just hold onto our friendship after everything. He told me I was one of the best friends he's ever had and he appreciated how I am always here for him. He valued our friendship because it's so honest after so long and so many hardships.  We just sat on the porch looking at the stars talking for hours, spend the night laying and chatting. 

In November, he asked me for a risque photo and I lost it. I told him a) I didn't send them when we were together, why would I now and b) we can't do things like that and expect to move on and be friends. He talked about how he was unsure if there was a future for us because we'd been talking more and he was coming home soon and things were good again. I told him it couldn't be like that. I didn't feel that way anymore. I had spent years waiting for him, years not even engaging in experiences because I was waiting for him... until I stopped. I told him one day a long time ago that if he waited too long, it would be too late. As far as I'm concerned, it was way too late. 

Less than a week later, he changed his profile photo to him with this girl. They went on a date and things must've gone well because she went home with him for Christmas. 

I was so happy for him. He was happy and seeing someone and neither of us ever really had since one another. There were people around but no real relationships. All I want in this world is for him to be happy and to find someone to love for the rest of his life. 

In May, they got engaged. 6 months. 

I want him to be happy. It's not jealousy, I don't want it to be me. It's just that he is the least risk-taking human being I've ever met in my life. He is methodical and doesn't jump into things. And so I worry. It just doesn't seem like him to get engaged to someone so quickly. 

I pray that he's happy and he's doing this for the right reasons and he has found the love of his life and he just knew when he met her. 

Shakespeare

"Expectation is the root of all heartache."

Poor head.

I have a concussion and my head hurts so much and I just want to crawl in bed and die until Poland gets here.

Tuesday.

I had an epiphany while driving back from LA today. I made a choice and I feel more settled than I have in a long time.

Poland.

Today he made me cry. In an entirely good way. I don't know why I was so emotional, I never am that emotional but I cried the entire way to school. Last night I asked if I'd see him this week. And he was rock climbing so he didn't answer for a few hours. I was annoyed even though I knew he was doing something. When we're together, neither of our phones are anywhere in sight. To be honest, it's really nice because the focus is entirely on each other and our time together. And I respect very much that he isn't on his phone around people and I've been making a serious effort in the last few months because I realized how rude it is to be with people and more concerned with your phone. And to a certain degree, for me, because I've always been far from my love interests physically, that's a big portion of my behaviour. That doesn't make it any less rude.
So last night he said, "I think so. Are you free Friday"? I was mostly teasing him but a part of me was being petty so I said, "don't sound so enthused" which is mostly funny because we've joked about that specific expression and the enthusiasm we show in texts before. There was more to our conversation than that but this morning he said, I'm sorry. I was sleeping last night and I haven't had a moment to respond to you but I wanted to ask if you were going to make me smile as well.
It sounds so silly and like such a line. Buthea honestly just nice. Every fibre of my being is terrified by his kindness, his chivalry, his intellect, his continued reassurance. I even told him so last week and he continues to be here stable, engaged, demonstrating he is exactly as he seems.
I keep waiting for the other show to drop but at some point I'm praying this time it won't.

Breathe in and out. Focus on the moment.

I need to write more. I know that I do. I need to spend more time meditating and exercising and focusing on the things that make me happy. The little things. The writing and reading and staying away from toxic people.

Poland.

I met a boy, let's call him Poland. He is honestly the most gentlemanly human I have ever met in my entire life. We talked for a long time before we went on a date (like 2 months long).
First date:
He picks me up at my place, stands outside his vehicle waiting for me. Opens my door, waits for me to get in, closes it.
We drive to Banff and chat the whole way. No awkward silences- any of the silences were momentary.
Park in Banff, take a walk until it's raining pretty hard. He suggests the fondue place- The Grizzly House. He's always wanted to try it. We walk over, he reads the menu and looks at me, pausing for a second to read my facial expressions. He proceeds to say, it's not what he was thinking and he doesn't like cheese and hopes I won't hold it against him.
I burst out laughing. I also dislike cheese. I believe it has very specific uses but I am not a go-into-the-fridge-and-eat-a-slice-of-cheese person.
So we kept walking. Salt Lik. Do you like beef?
Could you pick a better place for me? Not likely.
We go in- we both order gin. Chat for a very long time before eating dinner.
Once we eat we stayed and continued talking for a long while. It was getting late though so we figured we'd better head back. I tried to get out my card, "you don't have to do that".
I'm going to, he replies.
Is it worth the fight?
No, you'll lose. Put it away.
Walk back to the car, offers me an array of candies/gum/etc.
All the while he opens every door for me and walks behind me, just barely. Only enough to make sure that I am first.
We chat on the way back, both mesmerized by the beauty of the mountains and the stars after the rain cleared up. When we got to my place, he got out with me to walk me to the door. Kissed me and asked if we can do this again, not in two months.

It was honestly the nicest, most respected and well-treated I've ever felt.

The European Gentleman.

I met a boy.

I officially walked away today.

It's fearless to walk away from someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them.

Doesn't he know that I've had him memorized for so long.

And if you asked me if I love him, I'd lie.

I still can't believe you're gone.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most, I wear the pain like a heavy coat.

Real class act over here.

Really making the rounds these days. Slept with a professional athlete Monday night. Yes, on a Monday.

This really resonates.

"Nothing is more sad than the death of an illusion". 

- Arthur Koestler 

It always goes back to never being enough.

I'm having a rough night. I'm sitting here contemplating whether or not I want to go meet my ex-boyfriend's sister. She's here tonight and she asked me to come there and I'm so torn. I'd like to see her and I have no qualms with her but I'm sad tonight.
Over and over I wonder to myself, why won't someone love me? What is wrong with me? How come everyone else gets to find love? It devastates me. My sister just got engaged and had a baby and I want so badly to be happy for her. But behind all of my well wishes and congratulations is a devastating blow. I bought a puppy because I crave love so deeply. Tears are soaking my cheeks because I am just so hurt. I want to be loved. I want someone to love me the way that I love. I am so exhausted of being alone.
I don't understand. And I've tried to convince myself with all the cliches but I am just so tired of being alone. Unloved. And I don't feel worthy of love. That's the most difficult part.
And I know that I'm loved by my family and my students but that's not what I mean. I want to be in love. I want someone to be in love with me.
I am really happy for number twelve that he's found someone despite the way he went about it. I want him to find someone to be with and someone that makes him happy. I genuinely only want good things for him. That doesn't make it any easier to watch him be with someone else. It's worse because I'm alone.
I sit here day after day functioning incredibly high, going above and beyond in my job, helping others, coaching 6 days a week, all the rest of it with a big smile on my face. No one knows how absolutely distraught I am to be alone. I look around and everyone has someone. And all I can think is why not me? Why can't I find someone? Why don't I deserve this? Why am I not enough?

Wrote last week.. oops

It's funny you know, what a new year does to you. The reflective nature of an end and a beginning. It's silly really because it's simply another day. I despise the idea of, "new year, new me" because it's a facade. It's an attempt to think that one specific day is the day that you can choose to start over when, in reality, you can choose to start over whenever you want. There is no one day where the world gets to decide for you that it's okay to start over. I think if that's the day that someone needs, the push to change something about themselves or their lifestyle, than by all means, utilize the nature of a new year. But you shouldn't force yourself to change because society tells you that today is the day you need to be better.  Maybe you need a week to figure out what it really is that you'd like to improve on this year. Maybe I want an extra week of indulging because 2016 was a stressful fucking year. So what.
Self-reflection is such an important thing in life. It is critical to growth  and development. If you don't reflect on the things you like about yourself and the things you don't like about yourself, then you have no opportunity to see areas to continue to share with others and areas you need to work on. It's okay to know your loveable characteristics and your not-so-loveable characteristics. Neither of those things make you worthy. Everything that you are as an individual is enough. Everything that I AM, is enough. And I think we forget that so often. Especially around the start of a new year; we forget all of the progress we've made as humans over the course of our lives.
In the last year, I have grown soooo much as a human being. And instead of being proud of that as I reflect on the year, I am focused on all the things I'm unhappy with right now. And that's devastating. Last year was hell for me. It was arguably the toughest year of my life. I went through an experience I hope no other human ever has to. I lost two of the most important people in my life and I'm not even really sure why. I fell victim to my own vices. I lost myself.
Luckily, I found a better version of the person I want to be. I became more able to adapt to change. I became more relaxed and able to logically process the amount of stress, worry and negative energy that I was putting in to things that are not important in the grand scheme of life, especially, things that are out of my control.

This post is unfinished but I just don't have the strength or energy to write another word.

We choose our demise.

You know, we make these choices and we tell ourselves that it's for one reason or another. We tell ourselves that life is giving us these challenges and struggles but in reality, I think that we choose them. I think that we choose to live life the hard way. We tell ourselves that we don't want that, that we want a break, that it's not fair. But I think at the end of the day, to a certain degree we get off on it. We make these choices because we want to feel something. And then we can say, I'm strong and I've been through a lot and I'm invincible because nothing can destroy me while continuing this self-destructive cycle of doom. It's almost like an innate need to ensure that I am strong and that I can say I'm strong.

This life we live.

I did perhaps one of the most risk-taking things I've ever done yesterday. I got on a plane and came to Van to meet a boy I've never met. We've been talking since August. It's been a hell of a ride. At first, it was so incredible because we could talk about anything. All day, every day. It's never the hey, how are you? Good, you? Thing; repeat two hours later. It's never that way. We talk about everything. It can go from one conversation to another so quickly. We go from talking about the most trivial things to some of the deepest conversations I've ever had.
He's not my type at all. He's short and blonde with blue eyes. He's an artist. A filmmaker and actor. He's so incredibly intelligent. I was so happy to come visit him at the airport.
I don't think he's the one but he's certainly good for me. It feels good the way he treats me. I like it a lot. I spent last night laying in his arms for hours and hours. It sounds silly but I think he needs me more than I need him. I like conversing with him but I don't see this going anywhere. I see this as a friendship, a soulmate type friendship. He's kind and I've spoken with him about things I've never really shared with people. I'm trying to be open. He exposes me to new things; new ideas, new perspectives, new experiences. Tonight we are going to a wrap party.
I don't exactly know how I feel. He's kind though. Intelligent. Sweet. He is incredibly understanding and he speaks so nicely to and about me. He's probably the most open communicator I've ever spent time with. He says exactly what he's thinking and how he feels and I never have to wonder. It's also nice to be with someone who compliments me as much as he does. He is so respectful of how much I adore my independence. It's a really beautiful friendship.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

I don't even know where to start. It's such a long shot. He lives so far away and wants to move even farther. I mean it's crazy right? I'm being naive to fall like this. In fact, I'm being the opposite of naive and I know it. I'm not letting him in the way I should. I'm keeping him at a distance. I'm being cautious and taking my time and moving slowly. I mean it's been 3 months, almost 4.
And it kills me a little when he's getting ready to hang up and says, I wish I could kiss you before I said goodbye, but you're so far away. Or when he told me yesterday he was looking at changing his flight home so he could have a day here on the way. Or that he wants me to spend New Years with him.
Tonight we were talking about puppies and I was saying how badly I wanted one and he said me too. I said bring him to visit! He told me he wasn't getting one until he moved to LA. But once he did, he'd really like if I visited him and puppy. He's looked into school districts there, found the best one.
It's intense. And fast. And I of course wouldn't make any rash judgements or decisions, especially not this early on. I told him that too. I said, look I am not in a place, we are not in a place to make any decisions about international moves.
I don't know. It's strange to me to have found someone I can Facetime for hours. That we can talk all day and it's not menial small talk... how's your day, good you, good. Two hours later repeat. We have full blown, in depth, intellectual conversations about anything and everything. I think what I like the most is that he doesn't stand down when we disagree. He's not mean or anything, we just can agree to have different opinions, as much as he tries to persuade me to agree with him. We talk about politics, the residual effects of Residential Schools, Rape, Emotional and physical abuse in relationships, sex.
I'm an all or nothing kind of person. I always have been. He's intense. He's incredibly intense. But I like it. I like how honest he is. He's straightforward and tells me exactly what he wants. How he views me. What he likes. He's still so respectful.
He said, "I don't want to be presumptuous and I don't know what your plans are but I'd really like to stop and see you for a day on my way home for Christmas".
He's emotional but he's not afraid of it. He's intelligent, educated. Athletic but artistic. He's not my type at all. He's probably more emotional than I am. He left a lucrative career to follow his "calling" as he phrases it. He thrives on pressure and success. He hates mediocrity.
I'm just so afraid of all this being real.

Leonard Cohen

"Music is the emotional life of most people".