We ran out of road in that one horse town.

Number twelve is engaged. I found out last week. I struggled a lot to put my feelings into words. I didn't know how to feel or how I should feel or how I was allowed to feel. 

At first, I was in immense shock. Now, I feel more concerned/ still shocked. The reason I say concerned is because it was less than a year ago the last time we were together. And it was 8 months ago that I responded to him one day by saying, "we are never getting back together". 

Last summer we spent hours talking about our lives and how nice it was to be able to be friends and to just hold onto our friendship after everything. He told me I was one of the best friends he's ever had and he appreciated how I am always here for him. He valued our friendship because it's so honest after so long and so many hardships.  We just sat on the porch looking at the stars talking for hours, spend the night laying and chatting. 

In November, he asked me for a risque photo and I lost it. I told him a) I didn't send them when we were together, why would I now and b) we can't do things like that and expect to move on and be friends. He talked about how he was unsure if there was a future for us because we'd been talking more and he was coming home soon and things were good again. I told him it couldn't be like that. I didn't feel that way anymore. I had spent years waiting for him, years not even engaging in experiences because I was waiting for him... until I stopped. I told him one day a long time ago that if he waited too long, it would be too late. As far as I'm concerned, it was way too late. 

Less than a week later, he changed his profile photo to him with this girl. They went on a date and things must've gone well because she went home with him for Christmas. 

I was so happy for him. He was happy and seeing someone and neither of us ever really had since one another. There were people around but no real relationships. All I want in this world is for him to be happy and to find someone to love for the rest of his life. 

In May, they got engaged. 6 months. 

I want him to be happy. It's not jealousy, I don't want it to be me. It's just that he is the least risk-taking human being I've ever met in my life. He is methodical and doesn't jump into things. And so I worry. It just doesn't seem like him to get engaged to someone so quickly. 

I pray that he's happy and he's doing this for the right reasons and he has found the love of his life and he just knew when he met her.