We choose our demise.

You know, we make these choices and we tell ourselves that it's for one reason or another. We tell ourselves that life is giving us these challenges and struggles but in reality, I think that we choose them. I think that we choose to live life the hard way. We tell ourselves that we don't want that, that we want a break, that it's not fair. But I think at the end of the day, to a certain degree we get off on it. We make these choices because we want to feel something. And then we can say, I'm strong and I've been through a lot and I'm invincible because nothing can destroy me while continuing this self-destructive cycle of doom. It's almost like an innate need to ensure that I am strong and that I can say I'm strong.

This life we live.

I did perhaps one of the most risk-taking things I've ever done yesterday. I got on a plane and came to Van to meet a boy I've never met. We've been talking since August. It's been a hell of a ride. At first, it was so incredible because we could talk about anything. All day, every day. It's never the hey, how are you? Good, you? Thing; repeat two hours later. It's never that way. We talk about everything. It can go from one conversation to another so quickly. We go from talking about the most trivial things to some of the deepest conversations I've ever had.
He's not my type at all. He's short and blonde with blue eyes. He's an artist. A filmmaker and actor. He's so incredibly intelligent. I was so happy to come visit him at the airport.
I don't think he's the one but he's certainly good for me. It feels good the way he treats me. I like it a lot. I spent last night laying in his arms for hours and hours. It sounds silly but I think he needs me more than I need him. I like conversing with him but I don't see this going anywhere. I see this as a friendship, a soulmate type friendship. He's kind and I've spoken with him about things I've never really shared with people. I'm trying to be open. He exposes me to new things; new ideas, new perspectives, new experiences. Tonight we are going to a wrap party.
I don't exactly know how I feel. He's kind though. Intelligent. Sweet. He is incredibly understanding and he speaks so nicely to and about me. He's probably the most open communicator I've ever spent time with. He says exactly what he's thinking and how he feels and I never have to wonder. It's also nice to be with someone who compliments me as much as he does. He is so respectful of how much I adore my independence. It's a really beautiful friendship.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

I don't even know where to start. It's such a long shot. He lives so far away and wants to move even farther. I mean it's crazy right? I'm being naive to fall like this. In fact, I'm being the opposite of naive and I know it. I'm not letting him in the way I should. I'm keeping him at a distance. I'm being cautious and taking my time and moving slowly. I mean it's been 3 months, almost 4.
And it kills me a little when he's getting ready to hang up and says, I wish I could kiss you before I said goodbye, but you're so far away. Or when he told me yesterday he was looking at changing his flight home so he could have a day here on the way. Or that he wants me to spend New Years with him.
Tonight we were talking about puppies and I was saying how badly I wanted one and he said me too. I said bring him to visit! He told me he wasn't getting one until he moved to LA. But once he did, he'd really like if I visited him and puppy. He's looked into school districts there, found the best one.
It's intense. And fast. And I of course wouldn't make any rash judgements or decisions, especially not this early on. I told him that too. I said, look I am not in a place, we are not in a place to make any decisions about international moves.
I don't know. It's strange to me to have found someone I can Facetime for hours. That we can talk all day and it's not menial small talk... how's your day, good you, good. Two hours later repeat. We have full blown, in depth, intellectual conversations about anything and everything. I think what I like the most is that he doesn't stand down when we disagree. He's not mean or anything, we just can agree to have different opinions, as much as he tries to persuade me to agree with him. We talk about politics, the residual effects of Residential Schools, Rape, Emotional and physical abuse in relationships, sex.
I'm an all or nothing kind of person. I always have been. He's intense. He's incredibly intense. But I like it. I like how honest he is. He's straightforward and tells me exactly what he wants. How he views me. What he likes. He's still so respectful.
He said, "I don't want to be presumptuous and I don't know what your plans are but I'd really like to stop and see you for a day on my way home for Christmas".
He's emotional but he's not afraid of it. He's intelligent, educated. Athletic but artistic. He's not my type at all. He's probably more emotional than I am. He left a lucrative career to follow his "calling" as he phrases it. He thrives on pressure and success. He hates mediocrity.
I'm just so afraid of all this being real.

Leonard Cohen

"Music is the emotional life of most people".

You used to shine so bright but I watched all of it fade.

I was so blinded by my perception of your light, I refused to see how consuming your darkness was.

Vulnerable

Arthur Golden

Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears from us all of the things that cannot be torn so that we see ourselves as we really are. 

Thank you.

There are no words for the gratitude a person can have when they pray for something so imperative to their existence and they receive those deeply seeded intentions. 

Truth.

"Because if you're single and above the age of consent in this world, people will try to fix you up with someone until your dying day". 

Perhaps the best analogy I've ever heard.

"Members of the press, going to bed with a new woman is like having to learn a whole new operating system on the first day of work with the boss breathing down your neck. You can quote me on that."

Start.

Remind yourself.

Jaded.

Once you win my heart, you have it forever.

It can't be him.

I pray every day that someone new will one day love me like he does. 

How many days in a year, she woke up with hope but she only found tears.

This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. And while she looked so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her when she smiles. 

Absolutely.

My sister has been telling me for years the song "absolutely" by nine days reminds her of me. 

Holy shit.

http://www.puckermob.com/relationships/ive-tried-now-im-done

Maybe that's it, maybe I'm free.

"And there it was. I had it all-- all the truth and detail that I'd needed to know since that day on the mountain, in the withering snow, when Khader had told me about her. I think I'd expected to feel... nourished, perhaps and vindicated, by forcing her to tell me what she'd done and why she'd done it. I think I'd hope to be released by it, and solaced, just by hearing her tell me. But it wasn't like that. I felt empty: the kind of emptiness that's sad but not distressed, pitying but not broken-hearted, and damaged, somehow, but clearer and cleaner for it. And then I knew what it was, that emptiness: there's a name for it, a word we use often, without realizing the universe of peace that's enfolded in it. The word is free."

The passionate search for a truth other than our own.

"For this is what we do. Put one foot forward and the the other. Life our eyes to the snarl and smile of the world once more. Think. Act. Feel. Add our little consequence to the tides of good and evil that flood and drain the world. Drag our shadowed crosses into the hope of another night. Push our brave hearts into the promise of a new day. With love: the passionate search for a truth other than our own. With longing: the pure, ineffable yearning to be saved. For so long as fate keeps waiting, we live on. God help us. God forgive us. We live on."