Hard truths.

"Had she come home to see you guys, I probably would've gone to Mexico." 

Holy shit, what a truth. 

I always forgive others but I struggle to forgive myself.

Strength.

It's just so difficult.

I took two days off. I probably shouldn't have but I had to. I needed the break. Four full, consecutive days off.
I feel like I have to be strong all the time. I feel like a fraud when I walk into my classroom with a big smile on my face pretending that I'm happy and strong and that I make good choices. And I know I treat people with dignity and respect, most of the time. I know that I work hard and I give myself to others unconditionally. I love unconditionally. And I promote that type of kindness because I do believe in it.
But I feel like a failure right now, a fraud because I am going through something that is so earth-shattering to me that I don't always know how to cope. There are moments in the day when I have to utilize every ounce of strength in my body to hold back tears. When I have to smile and pretend that my life is going great. I love them, so very dearly I love them. And most days they are the only thing keeping me going because of the sense of normalcy they bring for me. The stability. They have no idea that they are the core of my strength. Their good mornings and smiles and jokes and hugs are the only thing keeping me alive.
I have cried on and off this morning. I've done absolutely zero school work. I was talking to D this morning and he said, hang in there B. And I'm so grateful for him in my life right now. And I know for certain that people come into your life for a reason. And he is here to teach me. He has taught me so much and he reminds me so often about what really matters in life. And I admire him greatly.
In all the moments that I feel like this is the end of my life, I know that it isn't. I know that I will be okay. I know that D is right when he reminds me how much worse things could be. When he reminds me how lucky I am and puts things into perspective. And I know that J is right when he tells me one day I'm going to look back and I will barely remember how terrible this all is. It will just be a distant memory.
I know they are right. I know that I will get through this. I know that I will be stronger and smarter and wiser because of this. And I am so grateful for the people I have supporting me. There are moments where I'm okay. The whole day is okay and I can live through some normalcy. And then I have moments of paralysis. When I honestly cannot fathom how I'm going to get through this. Over and over I think of this quote, "there is a loneliness that exists only in one's mind. The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly". I have no idea how I'm going to get through this. Day after day, I wake up and somehow keep surviving. Somehow I keep going. I'm just afraid one day, I won't have the strength to get out of my bed and keep on going. Or maybe, I'm afraid that I do have the strength to keep going. Perhaps that's the scariest of all. If nothing can defeat me, how many more of these tests will I have to pass.

Morning boost.

I walk in and D's like whoa jeans, you rebel. And I was like my ass looks better in jeans than sweats and he's like your ass always looks good. 

Maybe I'm naive, but I'm convinced there's something there.

I wonder if he knows how genuinely happy he makes me. He knows exactly how to make me smile. 

Last night we had this couple and as he sat them she told him that she was celiac and needed a gluten free menu. He gave her a spiel about the menu and then him and I talked about it before I went over. So she has some questions and we had a great conversation she was very nice. It took her awhile because she isn't used to so many option so when she ordered, she ordered a burger gluten free with gluten free fries and her husband ordered a burger with a gluten filled bun and croutons on his salad. All the gluten. So J asks what they order and he's like do you think he will find it funny if we take them a salt shaker full of flour? Extra gluten? And I laughed I said yes I think they have a sense of humour. Him and I were laughing so hard because I'm standing in the prep hall while he's filling a salt shaker of flour. I'm like what if they don't laugh? He's like well then we're fucked. We're getting a bad review and they will think we have a sick sense of humour. 

Turns out they thought it was funny but I just think it's so silly that we have those moments. There are so many things we laugh about. Silly inside jokes. That's the dream, isn't it? 

I was talking to B this morning and I said I wouldn't even know how to be in a relationship anymore. It's been so long. And I think that's maybe the point for me. Maybe it's supposed to be that easy. The friendship. The comradarie. That's what I want. Sure we have our moments. We have ups and downs and he frustrates me immensely. But I guess at the end of the day, I know he'd be there. He is there. He makes me feel safe. Relaxed. 

I sleep better at his house than I have anywhere else in years. I don't know how it's going to go. Or what our journey will be. But on all the days I question why I put up with my frustration from him, I realize that isn't my body physiologically telling me something there? Isn't that "feeling of home" saying something? Isn't him showing me all his renovations and asking my opinion and acting with consideration of my opinion, doesn't that mean something? 

I wonder if he knows how much he makes me laugh.

I just want to not feel like crying for a night.

Don't look away, don't run away. 

Baby, it's only life. 

Fraudulent.

I know that I'm strong. And I know that I will get through this. I know one day I will forget just how difficult each day is. One day the rawness of the sting will dissipate. I know it could be worse and I should be grateful. I know that in the grand scheme of my life, this will one day be a bad memory that taught me a lot. I know I will be better and stronger from this. I know all that. But right now it doesn't feel that way. It just weighs on me. All the time. I have moments in days of normalcy and then I go right back to the heavy force of the unknown. I feel lost and helpless and fraudulent. That's the worst part I think. Fraudulent. 

I know he's right.

I know that he's right but it is so much easier to say. It really doesn't feel that way now. 

Breathe, then swallow, the breathe again.

Life is really tough sometimes. I'm not alone, I know that I have people that love and support me and I'm incredibly grateful for that. I guess I just wish that  someone was in love with me.

 It begins to grow difficult when you realize you're not easy to love. When you begin to question yourself despite knowing you have worth. It's difficult to be strong and composed and to not have somebody to hold you up in your moments of weakness. It's difficult when you start to question whether you're worthy of that kind of love. Why everyone else seems to find companionship so easily. 

Grateful.

Yesterday a girl in my class said to me, do you wear Lancôme? And I was like no why? And she said well you just have such nice skin! 

I have never in my life felt like I have had nice skin. In fact it is one of the things I struggle with the most about myself. I feel so privileged to be with kids who build me up like that. I spend my days with kids that tell me you are so beautiful or you look so pretty today. And I need that. It is the most humbling thing on a day that I don't fee good about myself. On the days I don't fee good about myself to hear that someone thinks I'm beautiful. 

Worth the wait.

Internet gold

You didn't need a new jacket.

Tonight I said, "I like that jacket. Is it new?"

"Yeah, I bought it because someone told me I always wear the same outfits to work". 

I laughed but my heart fluttered a little. I think it's very endearing when he makes a point to take my opinion into consideration. 

Heavy.

It's really difficult when a student asks if I'm okay. B asked the other day if I was okay. I said yeah. He said you look really stressed. I told him I was just tired.
And I am. I am absolutely fucking exhausted. I barely sleep. I am so stressed. I have cried more in the last two months than in the last 2 years. I hate it. And I feel so helpless. I can't even control my emotions.
I am trying so hard to be strong. I am trying to be grateful and positive. I know it could be worse. I guess I just don't understand. Why another test? Why do some people always have to be strong. Is it ever going to end? Is there ever going to be a day when it's easy?
I feel so weighed down. Everything is heavy.

The tide.

There is a tide in the affairs of men....

One of those.

Today has been a really tough day. I just feel like I want to cry all day. 

How convenient, for you.

I really hate it when he plays the boss card. 

Does he calm you?

Tonight my mom and I were talking about this. It's an interesting thought