Confused.

A part of me doesn't understand men though. I mean, I inherently over analyze everything and I know that I'm doing that right now. So on Tuesday, he bought my dinner and made a special trip to get me a coffee even though he didn't want one. On Thursday, we went for coffee on our prep and he didn't get one, drove, and wasn't going to let me pay until I forced him. On Friday, he said are you going to go for a drink and I said I don't know maybe. He's like maybe ..what do you mean, are you going or not because I'm not going unless you go? I was still on the fence but he convinced me to go. As soon as I sat down, there were 2 lemon drop shots placed in front of me, that I of course didn't pay for. 

I'm mostly perplexed by our conversations and the fact we've talked about it so candidly and he says and does the things he does but it's still in the pre-phase. I don't understand why we 

haven't crossed the line to be honest. 

I know it's a terrible idea and so does he because well it crosses sooo many lines.  Comments are being made about us now by a few people. We were walking down the hall together the other day because we were leaving and H said to us, "you two better be careful, people are going to start talking about how much time you spend together".  D and I laughed and he says, "nah, if we were sleeping together we wouldn't be caught anywhere near each other". 

He has a point. Another day RD said, hey b, where's your buddy D? I said beats me?! The entire staff room looks at me like what are we missing. 

When we went for coffee I know people were talking because we left together on our prep that's the same. 

In the dance, this kid who has already asked us why we aren't together and told D that he likes us together grabs my hand, grabs D's hand and pulls us towards each other and both of us just burst out laughing. 

Needless to say, people are talking. 

Fun.

Content.

It's Halloween and I'm perfectly content at home. I am looking at social media at all the people going out and I don't feel like I'm missing out, at all. I was invited to do multiple things tonight, originally I was supposed to work. But I feel content at home, doing school work and watching hockey with a glass of wine in hand. I just feel over it. I was too tired to even conceive the idea of going out.
I honestly am really happy. I wish I had someone to share nights like this with but I'm okay without him.
I am thinking of moving and I am so torn. I think it's the best move financially for now. I should really do it and I know that I should. It's not like I'm really giving up my independence either.
I don't know we'll see.

Fun.

Comments all across the board. What do you do when you know something is a bad idea but you want to do it anyways. I mean getting involved, even if only sexually with someone at work is a bad idea. I know that. But I mean, I want to sooooo bad. 

Yesterday morning we're standing in the gym and he says, "I'm so stressed," so I asked why. He said because somebody thinks I would be fun to sleep with. No one has ever said that to be before. I'm like you're kidding. He's like no one has ever said they think I would be "fun" to sleep with. What the fuck does that mean? Fun? Not wild, or crazy or exotic in bed, fun? You think I'm gonna crack a joke or what?!  I'm flattered but come on, why the word fun? 

I nearly died. 

Haha so later in the day he says we should've dealt with this last week but we had other things to think about... Like how fun I am! 

I laughed and said hey I could've said I think you'd be boring. It would probably be terrible. He just looks at me with the most intense confidence and says it wouldn't, I'm certain of it. 

Again later a few of us were talking about the song ignition and one girl said how come that's not on the playlist. He's like that's on a VERY different playlist. The other girl says ya haha the one that require Kleenex and a hand. He just looks at me and smirks. 

Oh the places this disaster could go. 

Here goes nothing.

I said something this morning and I can't take it back.
I told D that I wanted to sleep with him which on one hand was a really stupid thing to do and I haven't even looked at my phone because I don't want to see what he says. I'm half praying he says absolutely nothing and we don't talk about it.
On the other hand, I am really proud of myself. The message I sent to him this morning is probably one of the most honest messages I've ever sent. So despite the repercussions, whatever they may be, I am going be proud of myself for saying how I feel.
I am a little stressed but fuck it at the same time. I keep walking past my phone but I flipped it over so I cannot see it.

Silly adults, that behaviour is for kids.

I needed to see this today. Sometimes it's so tough being an adult. I get frustrated when I feel like adults are acting like children which happens more than you think. I get so tired of being hated and spoken about. The gossiping about things that are completely untrue. I sometimes wonder why this consistently happens to me especially in work places with usually with women. And I can honestly see the things I did at the restaurant to at least give off the impression that what they said was true. But here, I've honestly done nothing wrong. I don't think that what I am doing is wrong in any way and that is frustrating. I know who I am and that I just have to keep to myself and hold my head high.

Kind words.

Today I walked out of my classroom as a grade 9 I've never met before was walking in. The first thing she said to me was, "you're pretty". I was so taken aback. To hear someone just say that so confidently. I needed that today. 

I absolutely adore this.

Choose love.

"It's a frightening thought that in a moment you can fall in the type of love that takes a lifetime to get over. " 

-Beau Taplin 

Timing is everything.

I have been really steeping back from J lately. To the point in fact that I've thought about giving up completely. After last night and this morning, this was the first picture that came up this morning and I can't help but notice the timing.  

Last night it was weird. There's this girl who's like 45 that is a bartender and I fucking HATE her, J can't stand her. She always like touches the other bartenders while she moves beside them but not like in a puts her hand behind your back so you don't run into one another like basically gropes you walking by,  especially J because she just loves him and he is actually so squeamish when she's around it makes me laugh.  So we're in the back and J is imitating her to C and H but is still like reasonable about the inappropriateness of it and then he fucking like basically raped me like hands allll over like waaaay more intrusive than C or H and we all were like laughing but then this other girl came around the corner and J's like should I do it to her? And we're like J she's 17 so she's like do what? And so he does it to me only this time he's literally like behind me fully englufing my body like just coping a feel of alllll the places like if any other human being did that to me in a public place I would punch them. It was so weird but it basically made me want to say if you're so comfortable to do this in front of other people without my permission, a) what would you do if you had my permission and we were alone and b) why are we not doing this naked at your place of residence? 

Confidence really is key.

I want to fuck him oh my gosh. He is not my type at all but he is so attractive. The way he dresses and the way he speaks to students and the way he speaks to me is just oh my gosh. His confidence is honestly one of the most attractive things I've ever seen.

Silly girl.

I might start looking at somewhere else to live. I like my place but it is really expensive by myself. It would be different if I were in a relationship and splitting my rent but right now what I am paying is an exorbitant amount of money alone. It scares me a little but it's not the worst thing. I mostly just hate moving.

Thoughts.

I'm in a funny place but I'm doing well.

So many souls to be thankful for.

I want to do life with you.

Sometimes I wonder if he realizes this.

T Bossman.

I hate when you admire someone and then they do something that makes you lose an incredible amount of respect for them. Why'd you have to ruin it?

Bitches being bitches.

Fuck I hate women. Girls are just the worst sort of bitches. 

Thanks kid.

Today I was telling LG and BC how shitty I felt about myself because I've lost 10lbs but it's not good 10lbs. It's not fat, it's definitely muscle from not working out or eating well and from being so sick this week. 

Tonight when J walked in, he smiled looked me up and down and said you're sooo skinny! 

I said ya I lost 10lbs this week but not in a good way. But thanks for saying that because I have been feeling shitty about myself. He's like that's not healthy but you are very skinny. 

So that made my whole day basically. I haven't been feeling good about myself and that definitely helps to hear something like that from him. 

As we age.

II think it is so good for me to have other men treat me well. To know that there are more men out there like that. I like that D opens my door and buys my coffee and is genuinely nice to me. He's a gentleman and I find it so refreshing to spend time with men like that. 

The last few days he's been so good about me being sick. Last night he told me if I needed anything to let him know. It just feels nice to have people who are like me because even though he lives on the other side of the city, I genuinely think he'd come bring me whatever I asked for. And I would do the same. But I think that's rare. There aren't many people out there like that. 

The more time I spend with older men, the less interest I have in any even remotely close to my age. At this point, I don't even know if I'd consider someone younger than 30. That's 6 years age difference and it'd have to be someone pretty incredible to change my mind. I can't be bothered to put up with the immaturity or the partying. I want someone who's settled and grown up and has goals for their life but the ambition and the commitment to actually achieve those goals. If you're 30 years old and you have yet to achieve anything, what's the point? I don't want to babysit. I want a mutually exclusive relationship that's mutually beneficial. I want to build you up but I want him to build me up too. I think at this point, I've really started to change what I'm attracted to. I wouldn't say I only cared about looks but I will say that looks become less and less important to me. Neither DT or J are "my type" but there are many things I find attractive about them. At the end of the day it really is about how the other person treats you and what you can build together.