Darling.

Tonight I miss him. We went to the hot springs. I always feel lonely there. I just want to experience a nice trip away with a boy. I want a man to love me, unconditionally. Is that so much to ask?

Twelve. The absolute epitome.

Tough questions.

Would it be the worst if the best it got for us was the best, deepest type of friendship?

The toughest truths.

Today.

Today is sofaking's birthday too. It was weird this morning as I was writing the agenda message for my kids I kept thinking March 24... why does that date stick out?  I realized it's because today is his birthday. Today has just been an exceptionally emotional day and I don't know why. I almost lost it on my kids today. I am really ready for a break.
I don't know what it is. I'm just emotional. And exhausted.

Lax.

Today I fell in love with a lacrosse player. And by love I mean likely short-sighted lust. He's 26 and doing the lacrosse residency at our school. Plays for the roughnecks and when I asked AM he said he's like an unreal player, top 5 in the league. It's pretty cool because they come and teach the kids all about lacrosse which for those who didn't know, is Canada's national sport. (It's actually not hockey as shocking as that might be for some). Anyways, he was attractive and nice and very good with the kids so we'll see what tomorrow brings.

When a moment came that stopped me on a dime.

I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying.

And he said, some day I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

I love him so fucking much.

How do such simple words turn into tears so quickly?

For all the days of satisfied independence.

There comes the days of immense longing for the soul of another.

Late night thoughts.

Yesterday I posted a screenshot of a conversation with J yesterday morning. I didn't even think about it but S reminded me that by not hanging out with him or even texting him last night I was kind of playing hard to get. That kind of hit me funny because I don't really do that. I mean I'm conscious of how much I text him but it wasn't even like I was trying to engage him and then not hangout. I would've probably gone there if S wasn't here but I was tired and appreciative of her coming down so I wouldn't have wanted to go there then come home. And I know what J is like and I don't know how receptive he would be to someone else coming. And I would really like to hang out just us two because I really haven't seen him in the last 3 weeks and we haven't spoken as much so I feel like he would be very censored if someone else were there.
I think it's good I've backed off a little bit. He knows I care but I think he needs to know I won't pine for him forever. I also think it's really interesting to talk to S about J because her perspective is so unique. She is thoughtful and insightful and understands me in a way that no one else does.

Long day.

Today has been busy. I really need to be wiser with my finances. Not serving makes a huge impact and I need to be more conscious of how much I am spending now that I am living alone and being an adult. It's hard because I am so used to money just always being there.
I need to be conscious of what I'm spending and realistic about what I need versus what I want.
Today I went to the gym, then I went and picked up some moisturizer and some stuff from Wal-mart like a toilet brush and some tupperware for my brown sugar and sugar and flour and jet-dry, general around the house stuff, etc. Then I picked up some groceries and came home to make turkey chili and protein bars. I cleaned my apartment like bathroom and kitchen. I washed my sheets, towels and my throw blankets for the couch.
Now I'm going to go have a bath and read for awhile... maybe watch Grey's before bed.

Corrupt me any way you like.

I miss his laugh immensely today.

Resonating.

I want a boy to love me this much.

I'll be the greatest fan of your love.

Heavy hearts.

You know those days that you know when you wake up are going to be emotionally hard? That's how I feel today. Just heavy.

Not sure pride is what I should feel. Cowardice maybe.

I surprise myself. After all the times, as drunk as we've gotten, I've never officially admitted my feelings about J to CG. She absolutely knows but I've never outwardly, drunkenly admitted it. And for that, I'm proud.

Story after story.

I really miss him tonight.

Heart of Darkness.

I miss him a little bit today. Not as much as I thought I would by now. I definitely miss talking to him though. It's little things. I think at this point I feel more disappointed and morose than hurt. It bothers me that it doesn't bother him that we haven't spoken. It's little things in conversation and his silly mannerisms and wit that I miss.
I feel more content than I thought. I know I need to remain strong. If I have to cry myself to sleep, so be it. I need him to make an effort.
I'm torn because I always think about how straightforward S is with boys. No mind games: if I like you, I like you. End of story.
I utilitze that attitude when it suits me. When I want to text him but I feel like I shouldn't, I convince myself: if you wsnt to talk to him, just talk to him.
Something is holding me back though. I think it's a combination of things. I don't know. I'm going to burry my head in a book now so I can ignore my heart.

Hard truths.

TBM: B, you're a strong girl.
Me: I know, but maybe that's the problem.
TBM: Maybe it is.