Saturday, February 15, 2014
It's 3am and I'm feeling lonely.
It's kind of weird. Today was I mean. I'm trying to process some things. I'm side awake and I don't know why and I just want to sleep.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Love.
Sitting watching the hockey game with a homemade latte while my nephew is giggling in the other room. I'm smiling because I'm just so happy.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Start today.
I'm relaxed but not. My body is relaxed and I'm conscious of my stress so I'm trying to relax. I'm okay. I don't know how else to explain it. I'm at peace with myself right now.
Mom is sick. She has cancer. I think it's pretty bad but she won't tell us the full story. It's completely like mom to downplay it. And I know she isn't going to deal with it conventionally. And I'm okay with it.
I've been thinking about the last year and all that I've been through. This year has really sucked. I have lost some incredible people. I've also gained some incredible people. I am grateful for those who are in my life. I am grateful their support and their love and all of the things they continue to teach me.
I am pretty calm about it all. I know that if something happens to mom I'm going to have to be the emotional strength. It is going to destroy me but I'm so much like mom in the way that I will ensure everyone else is taken care of before me. And I know that's not necessarily what she'd want but I need them to be okay for me to be okay.
I worry for my oldest sister. She doesn't have a good relationship with mom. She actually treats mom like complete garbage. And I just have this inkling that she's going to lose mom before she swallows her pride and fixes it. It's going to be too late. She's going to spend the rest of her life regretting the way she treated mom. Then, the more I think about it, the more I realize she'll probably spend years hating mom after she dies. She'll claim that mom was so selfish to leave us, etc. I just want to smack her in the face and say IT IS NOW. NOW IS THE TIME TO FIX IT.
I want to shout that from the rooftops. NOW! NOW IS THE TIME!
Life is too short. It's cliche. We always talk about how short life is but how many of us really live life like it might end tomorrow. I know that's unrealistic with regard to some things but it's very realistic for most things. I think that I've learned to live more for now that I used to, especially in the last year. BR has been good for that. He's pretty good at teaching you to live for yourself but respect others and treat everyone with dignity. He taught me to worry less, to stress less, everything will work out in the end.
Mom is sick. She has cancer. I think it's pretty bad but she won't tell us the full story. It's completely like mom to downplay it. And I know she isn't going to deal with it conventionally. And I'm okay with it.
I've been thinking about the last year and all that I've been through. This year has really sucked. I have lost some incredible people. I've also gained some incredible people. I am grateful for those who are in my life. I am grateful their support and their love and all of the things they continue to teach me.
I am pretty calm about it all. I know that if something happens to mom I'm going to have to be the emotional strength. It is going to destroy me but I'm so much like mom in the way that I will ensure everyone else is taken care of before me. And I know that's not necessarily what she'd want but I need them to be okay for me to be okay.
I worry for my oldest sister. She doesn't have a good relationship with mom. She actually treats mom like complete garbage. And I just have this inkling that she's going to lose mom before she swallows her pride and fixes it. It's going to be too late. She's going to spend the rest of her life regretting the way she treated mom. Then, the more I think about it, the more I realize she'll probably spend years hating mom after she dies. She'll claim that mom was so selfish to leave us, etc. I just want to smack her in the face and say IT IS NOW. NOW IS THE TIME TO FIX IT.
I want to shout that from the rooftops. NOW! NOW IS THE TIME!
Life is too short. It's cliche. We always talk about how short life is but how many of us really live life like it might end tomorrow. I know that's unrealistic with regard to some things but it's very realistic for most things. I think that I've learned to live more for now that I used to, especially in the last year. BR has been good for that. He's pretty good at teaching you to live for yourself but respect others and treat everyone with dignity. He taught me to worry less, to stress less, everything will work out in the end.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Monday, February 10, 2014
KW
I cannot believe it's been a year. My heart sinks thinking about a life lost so young. Rest in peace kiddo.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Valentine's Day.
When you love someone, you love all of them. That's the job. You gotta love everything about them. Not just the good things, but the bad things too. The things you find lovable and the things you don't find lovable.
Love has to be devastating.
You don't step into love, you fall. Head over heels. You ever see somebody fall head over heels in love for real? It's ugly. Toxic, septic.
-George Lopez
Saturday, February 8, 2014
So frustrating.
Why do only taken men love me? What is it about me. Why do taken men love me while single men are repulsed by me.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Pretty please.
This is pretty vain but I think I'd make an incredible hockey wife. Come on NHL boys, I'm perfect for you.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
My vanity and humour are things I pride myself on.
Maybe I'm immature but the shit dudes say to me on tinder literally makes me laugh out loud hahahahaha
Monday, February 3, 2014
Alabama.
I believe there are angels amoung us. Sent down to us, from somewhere up above. They come to you and me, at our darkest hours. To show us how to live, to teach us how to give. To guide us with the light of love.
I believe there are angels amoung us.
I just saw a picture of BB. You know it's still surreal for me. It's been just under a year since KW and about 10 months since BB. It doesn't feel real you know? At 17 and 21 years old it just doesn't make sense to me. I cannot comprehend that they're gone.
A little hope is effective, a lot of hope is dangerous.
"Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear."
-Suzanne Collins
-Suzanne Collins
Man Crush Monday.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Probably a bit insensitive.
Sometimes (actually most of the time) I looks at dudes' pictures on tinder and I'm like please be the one on the left. It never is. And then I just want to be like bro, you shouldn't put a picture of your hot friend on tinder because I'm actually pretty close to asking you to introduce me to him so I can bang him instead.
Weddings, weddings, everywhere.
HJR called me tonight too. We haven't spoken much and she apologized. She's like I've been that person that I hate, I know and I'm sorry. I got a boyfriend and I just kind of dropped off the face of the earth.
I respect that she realized it. I respect that it was only a month of two and she realized that she is neglecting friendships and as a result is trying to mend them. That speaks volumes to me, that she said it instead of me. I appreciate her apology and more than accept it. I know what it's like to be wrapped up in a boy you love.
What was more surprising to me is that she said I am absolutely in love with him and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. She's like I know, I know. And people always used to tell me when you know, you know and I never understood it, but I do now. Me being me, I'm like wow. I was speechless a bit. She's like I already know what ring I want and we've talked about getting engaged; it helps that he's older and much more mature.
I was just so taken aback by all of it. I was so stunned by the fact that marriage after less than 3 months is even an option. I know there was a courting period before the dating. But that still makes it maximum 7 months since this whole thing began.
I'm happy for her though. I'm trying to not let my bitter heart be judgemental. Maybe she really does know. She isn't the type to make a rash decision like that. I suppose I am just so far disconnected from a relationship that I cannot fathom marriage at this point. I mean, if number twelve asked me to marry him tomorrow, I'd say no. And that's saying something because at some point I can see a future with him.
Maybe that's why it's tough for me. I mean I feel like he is the one and I can't explain that. I've thought that for a long time. And maybe it's because marriage is FAR away for me. We are nowhere near ready for marriage.
I respect that she realized it. I respect that it was only a month of two and she realized that she is neglecting friendships and as a result is trying to mend them. That speaks volumes to me, that she said it instead of me. I appreciate her apology and more than accept it. I know what it's like to be wrapped up in a boy you love.
What was more surprising to me is that she said I am absolutely in love with him and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. She's like I know, I know. And people always used to tell me when you know, you know and I never understood it, but I do now. Me being me, I'm like wow. I was speechless a bit. She's like I already know what ring I want and we've talked about getting engaged; it helps that he's older and much more mature.
I was just so taken aback by all of it. I was so stunned by the fact that marriage after less than 3 months is even an option. I know there was a courting period before the dating. But that still makes it maximum 7 months since this whole thing began.
I'm happy for her though. I'm trying to not let my bitter heart be judgemental. Maybe she really does know. She isn't the type to make a rash decision like that. I suppose I am just so far disconnected from a relationship that I cannot fathom marriage at this point. I mean, if number twelve asked me to marry him tomorrow, I'd say no. And that's saying something because at some point I can see a future with him.
Maybe that's why it's tough for me. I mean I feel like he is the one and I can't explain that. I've thought that for a long time. And maybe it's because marriage is FAR away for me. We are nowhere near ready for marriage.
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