Start today.

I'm relaxed but not. My body is relaxed and I'm conscious of my stress so I'm trying to relax. I'm okay. I don't know how else to explain it. I'm at peace with myself right now.
Mom is sick. She has cancer. I think it's pretty bad but she won't tell us the full story. It's completely like mom to downplay it. And I know she isn't going to deal with it conventionally. And I'm okay with it.
I've been thinking about the last year and all that I've been through. This year has really sucked. I have lost some incredible people. I've also gained some incredible people. I am grateful for those who are in my life. I am grateful their support and their love and all of the things they continue to teach me.
I am pretty calm about it all. I know that if something happens to mom I'm going to have to be the emotional strength. It is going to destroy me but I'm so much like mom in the way that I will ensure everyone else is taken care of before me. And I know that's not necessarily what she'd want but I need them to be okay for me to be okay.

I worry for my oldest sister. She doesn't have a good relationship with mom. She actually treats mom like complete garbage. And I just have this inkling that she's going to lose mom before she swallows her pride and fixes it. It's going to be too late. She's going to spend the rest of her life regretting the way she treated mom. Then, the more I think about it, the more I realize she'll probably spend years hating mom after she dies. She'll claim that mom was so selfish to leave us, etc. I just want to smack her in the face and say IT IS NOW. NOW IS THE TIME TO FIX IT.
I want to shout that from the rooftops. NOW! NOW IS THE TIME!
Life is too short. It's cliche. We always talk about how short life is but how many of us really live life like it might end tomorrow. I know that's unrealistic with regard to some things but it's very realistic for most things. I think that I've learned to live more for now that I used to, especially in the last year. BR has been good for that. He's pretty good at teaching you to live for yourself but respect others and treat everyone with dignity. He taught me to worry less, to stress less, everything will work out in the end.