Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong.

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes. Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go but moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head.

always love the ones that stole your heart.

If I'm honest, I am somewhat interested in JS. That scares me. The fact that I'm even open to the possibility of a different boy is a HUGE step for me. I have literally had two boys make my heart jump in this lifetime. I have had two boys that I've ever really considered. Well three, but one has a girlfriend.. more about him later.
I think it's weird because JS is completely not my type. He's younger than me which has always been an issue for me. At the same time, he's nice. He asks about my life and my future and my day. It has been so long since I had that. I think it scares me because he is nice. I opened myself up for failure twice, well technically only once. There was sunshine, and number twelve. That's it.
It sounds funny because I am 21 years old and have only ever dated one boy in that entire time. And I'm still convinced he is the love of my life and always will be. I don't honestly believe I will ever love another the way I loved number twelve. But it scares me that I'm considering giving somebody else the opportunity to come into my little world. I spent 5 years with number twelve as my one and only. And before that I was crazy about sunshine.
Sunshine is such an interesting case because he was literally my best friend. I have never spoken to someone the way that we spoke. I have never had someone completely understand me the way that he did and I have never understood anybody the way I understood him. It's pretty rare that you can spend 11 hours straight talking to someone and not get bored or annoyed of them.
Number twelve was different. We didn't talk like sunshine and I did. Number twelve just knew. He always just knew without words. He knew when it was appropriate to hold me so tight in his arms I thought he'd never let go. He knew when I needed an extended hug because my knees were about to give out. He just always knew me.
I think it's hard for me because both of those boys are extremely rare. I think it's rare to have another human being understand you so apologetically.  The hardest part is that all I want for both of them in this world is to be happy and live a good, honest life.

True strength.

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do... But to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart, that is true strength."

Like a moth to a flame.

You look like bad news, I gotta have you. I gotta have you.

Breathe, let go, live.

I am in such a funny little place right now. But I guess it's good to remember "it's all about funny little magic in unexpected places".

Silly boys.

So I have been talking to JS a bit lately. I don't really know where we are at or where we are going. I think the hardest part for me is that I don't really know where I want it to go. I don't know what I want from this situation. It's kind of nice to have someone to talk to everyday. At the same time I don't know how much of myself I would be able to give to a boy right now. I am so incredibly busy with school and I don't want to get even remotely seriously involved.
At the same time, I'm scared that I'm just making excuses so I don't get my heart broken again.

He didn't know what he had until it was gone.

You got the wrong song playing on your speakers,
this one's about a liar and a cheater.

took a deep breath in the mirror

You throw your head back laughing like a little kid, I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did. And I've been spending the last 8 months thinking all love ever does is break, and burn, and end. But on a Wednesday, in a cafe, I watched it begin again. 

Les Miserables

I went to Les Miserables tonight. Un-fucking-believable. There are no words.

Love this.

Bed time

Clean kitchen, folded laundry, clean bedroom, clean living room, and especially, clean sheets! This is how I get to go to bed tonight... Yaaaayyyy

Wild night.

SN: whatcha doing tonight?
Me: eating apple peanut butter.

#predictable hahahahaha

Stupid boy.

It took awhile for her to figure out that she could run; but when she did she was long gone, long gone.

Frustrations.

I hate that our society is becoming what it is. I think technology is amazing, hell I'm using a smartphone to write this message on this blog as we speak. But I think we have been much too enveloped by it. It should be a tool not our society. It should be used to advance our ideas and abilities and further science. Unfortunately, instead it is used to bully people and abuse children and to hide behind. People don't talk to each other anymore. People don't make the effort to get to know one another or learn new things over time. Instead we want an instantaneous answer to everything: google it.
This is why I want to be an educator. I think we need to teach our children how to be thoughtful and responsible citizens, good and honest people. And I know that historically that's the job primarily of parents. Historically, it's also the job of COMMUNITIES. It is the job of society to raise our children with integrity, an understanding of hard work, manners, the ability to think critically.
Right now our society is raising entitled children who don't know the value of a dollar, who cannot possess empathy for another human, who are selfish and ignorant. It is so sad to me that we have all these opportunities with technology available and we let our children waste their days playing video games, watching porn and googling things they are much too young to know about. We should be teaching our children to utilize technology as a tool to advance our society, to advance out ability to have empathy, to give a voice to the silenced, to give hope to those who have none, to open our lines of communication so we never have to go to war again.

The little things.

I miss that silly silly boy. I had the worst moment on Monday about him at like 5am when I was wide awake. I was boiling hot, even my feet. So I started to take my socks off but then your toes get cold. So me being my lame self decided to take a page from number twelve's book and wear my socks half on like he always did. I miss his ridiculous habits that drove me bonkers soo much.

Love it.

“Sometimes a person is out of the picture but just can't let go of the frame.”
-Dane Cook

Never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind.

She put him out, like the burning end of a midnight cigarette. She broke his heart. He spent his whole life trying to forget.

Always.

I texted number twelve the other day. Luckily I typed his number incorrectly into my phone so it didn't go to him. I have mixed feelings about it. Elaborate tomorrow.

I can't explain, but I'm in that place.

"I wonder what runs through your mind when someone mentions my name to you."

Ain't gonna let her go quite as easy as I did.

There's somebody out there holding my somebody somewhere.