Bed time

Clean kitchen, folded laundry, clean bedroom, clean living room, and especially, clean sheets! This is how I get to go to bed tonight... Yaaaayyyy

Wild night.

SN: whatcha doing tonight?
Me: eating apple peanut butter.

#predictable hahahahaha

Stupid boy.

It took awhile for her to figure out that she could run; but when she did she was long gone, long gone.

Frustrations.

I hate that our society is becoming what it is. I think technology is amazing, hell I'm using a smartphone to write this message on this blog as we speak. But I think we have been much too enveloped by it. It should be a tool not our society. It should be used to advance our ideas and abilities and further science. Unfortunately, instead it is used to bully people and abuse children and to hide behind. People don't talk to each other anymore. People don't make the effort to get to know one another or learn new things over time. Instead we want an instantaneous answer to everything: google it.
This is why I want to be an educator. I think we need to teach our children how to be thoughtful and responsible citizens, good and honest people. And I know that historically that's the job primarily of parents. Historically, it's also the job of COMMUNITIES. It is the job of society to raise our children with integrity, an understanding of hard work, manners, the ability to think critically.
Right now our society is raising entitled children who don't know the value of a dollar, who cannot possess empathy for another human, who are selfish and ignorant. It is so sad to me that we have all these opportunities with technology available and we let our children waste their days playing video games, watching porn and googling things they are much too young to know about. We should be teaching our children to utilize technology as a tool to advance our society, to advance out ability to have empathy, to give a voice to the silenced, to give hope to those who have none, to open our lines of communication so we never have to go to war again.

The little things.

I miss that silly silly boy. I had the worst moment on Monday about him at like 5am when I was wide awake. I was boiling hot, even my feet. So I started to take my socks off but then your toes get cold. So me being my lame self decided to take a page from number twelve's book and wear my socks half on like he always did. I miss his ridiculous habits that drove me bonkers soo much.

Love it.

“Sometimes a person is out of the picture but just can't let go of the frame.”
-Dane Cook

Never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind.

She put him out, like the burning end of a midnight cigarette. She broke his heart. He spent his whole life trying to forget.

Always.

I texted number twelve the other day. Luckily I typed his number incorrectly into my phone so it didn't go to him. I have mixed feelings about it. Elaborate tomorrow.

I can't explain, but I'm in that place.

"I wonder what runs through your mind when someone mentions my name to you."

Ain't gonna let her go quite as easy as I did.

There's somebody out there holding my somebody somewhere.

I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right; I hope you had the time of your life.

As long as it's on your terms

It'd be so nice if the effort I put into certain relationships was even half returned.

Seriously, do they know they are inadequate?

I wonder if men realize that a toy can get a woman off 100 times better than any man ever could?

My deepest fear.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is light not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine like children do. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. "

Lacking logic.

The heart has reasons that reason can't know.
-Blaise Pascal

Be your best.

I hate when people are in competitions and say I'm so glad that person is gone or out or can't come or whatever because they were a major competitor and now I don't have to worry. To me winning means beating the best, not getting first because other strong competitors quit or withdrew etc. Success is working hard to overcome all adversity and achieving the greatest over all.

Torn.

I'm so torn. I'm torn between where I want to go in life and what I want right now. I have a year and a half before I can go anywhere. I want someone for a year. Then break up so I can go see the world and live it up. Selfish I know. The problem is that I can't date someone just to date them. It's not in me. I need to see a future because that's who I am. I've never been able to do the high school relationship thing.
To be perfectly honest, I am terrified of relationships. I am terrified to find that someone. I am terrified that I'm going to have a broken heart again. I'm terrified to ever get a divorce. I wasn't even two when my parents split up. That kind of thing leaves a mark. And I think my lack of commitment scared number twelve because I was so afraid of letting him in and he couldn't understand why.
So now I'm at this place where I'm torn between wanting someone and not wanting to let that someone in. I want someone as long as it's completely on my terms. No compromise, no commitment. When I say I want him and when I say I want space entirely my own accord.

Lonely.

I really thought I was okay with this night. With working and coming home to bed alone. I'm not. I miss number twelve immensely. I saw S' tweet and it breaks my heart. It's hard for me to see people who have gone through real shit as a couple and know that they're together and happy while I'm alone missing the bit I love.
And I'm happy it works for some people. And I'm happy when my friends are happy. But I miss number twelve and I want to be happy with him. It's hard because I want that happiness.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. "

Agent Rossi

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going.