Heavy.

It's really difficult when a student asks if I'm okay. B asked the other day if I was okay. I said yeah. He said you look really stressed. I told him I was just tired.
And I am. I am absolutely fucking exhausted. I barely sleep. I am so stressed. I have cried more in the last two months than in the last 2 years. I hate it. And I feel so helpless. I can't even control my emotions.
I am trying so hard to be strong. I am trying to be grateful and positive. I know it could be worse. I guess I just don't understand. Why another test? Why do some people always have to be strong. Is it ever going to end? Is there ever going to be a day when it's easy?
I feel so weighed down. Everything is heavy.

The tide.

There is a tide in the affairs of men....

One of those.

Today has been a really tough day. I just feel like I want to cry all day. 

How convenient, for you.

I really hate it when he plays the boss card. 

Does he calm you?

Tonight my mom and I were talking about this. It's an interesting thought

Try not to miss me too much until tomorrow.

That one stings a little.

Sometimes we want to believe something so badly that we ignore the reality right in front of us. 

Defeated.

Maybe it's okay to feel a little defeated for a day.

Men's clothing matters!

On Friday I started criticizing his attire and before I could finish he was like let me guess, B is complaining that I'm not wearing brown shoes. I started laughing and told him no I was complaining that you have millions of dollars in beautiful clothes and never wear most of them. 

Well you can be damn sure tonight he wore brown shoes and a jacket he knows I love. 

When he does shit like that I wonder how intentional it is. I wonder if he's like ya she's going to love this shit. He knows me so well. Brown shoes are sexy men. It is what it is. Black is boring and requires zero thought. Brown shoes and belt are like a giant waterfall. Black shoes are the Saharan desert. 

Hard, cold and certainly more painful than any lie.

"Sometimes I wonder if anything's absolute anymore. Is there still right and wrong? Good and bad? Truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable, left to interpretation, grey. Sometimes we're forced to bend the truth, transform it 'cause we're faced with things that are not of our own making. And sometimes things simply catch up to us.

Truth is still absolute. Believe that. Even when that truth is hard and cold and more painful than anything you ever imagined. And even when that truth is more cruel than any lie. "
-One Tree Hill

Princess Joseph, you silly brat.

I love that he makes goes out of his way to make me laugh. He hates when I'm upset and it's so awkward when people cry. I hate crying in front of him but he's so good to me about it. After that we talked about why I was really upset and then started talking about our massage place's new found venture into acupuncture. I just appreciate him so much. And I struggle sometimes and I wonder about our relationship and I'm frustrated by the lack of definitive boundaries and the up and down roller coaster ride but at the end of the day, I am so incredibly grateful for him and for what we have even if  I don't understand that. 

Gentle reminder.

"Life kicks you around sometimes. It scares you and it beats you up, but there's a day when you realize that you're not just a survivor, you're a warrior. You're tougher than anything life throws your way, and you are."
-Brooke Davis

You should be here.

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y'all it's sure been a good year.
It's one of those moments, that's got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it'd be that you didn't have to miss this.
You should be here.

Then you stand.

It's really hard sometimes because it's like my friends can tell something is up but they don't know what. I struggle listening to them sometimes because I'm hurting and I'm overwhelmed and I feel so disconnected from them. And I know I'm choosing that. I'm choosing for only D and J to know. I haven't really seen anyone and I barely talk to anyone unless they initiate a conversation or I'm purposely trying to ensure I'm not acting super odd to them. I am responding for the sake of not striking panic or curiosity not because I actually want to talk. I purposely avoid hanging out or make sure I'm scheduled to work so that I can say no. I saw B for the first time in like 5 weeks last week. It's super tough to be around anyone. I spent 3 days bawling to my mom, texting J while he was in China talking about it all and how much it sucks. And when I said thank you and apologized to him for my drunken ramblings he just told me he wasn't judging me, especially knowing what I was going through. I just feel lost. Helpless. I'm trying to be positive and stay busy and trust that I will get through this. I've been through so many things and this is just one more. Another lesson. I don't know how, I have absolutely no idea how I'll make it through this right now but I will be better, smarter, stronger after this. 

I'm really looking forward to D getting back so that I have someone else to hold me up, to remind me I'll be okay and make me laugh. 

Preach.

Momma.

One of my mom's friends gave her this card for Easter. And honestly, when I read it I couldn't have thought of anyone in my life who this rings more true about. My mom is the best person I know. Her goodness is unmatched. The way she treats others is inspiring. She loves unconditionally in a way that hurts her often but she carries that pain with grace.  She fights over and over again. She overcomes challenge after hardship after challenge and emanates fortitude. I don't love everything she's done in her life but she spends every day working on improving herself as an individual. And every day she builds up others. Her friends, her family, her students, any human being she comes across, she betters. She breathes kindness into every situation. She reminds me not to judge and to remember that we have absolutely no idea what battle someone else has fought, is fighting, or will fight so be kind. It's your journey so focus on what you can do to make the world a better place. She has no idea what sort of impact she is leaving on the world and to me, that's pretty inspiring.

Love.

My heart stopped beating this morning. I was absolutely terrified. 

I was at work and it was so weird J wasn't there yet but I just assumed he had a meeting or something. He's been sick so at first we were like maybe he slept in. And then T was like okay now it's getting way too late. It's weird he hasn't answered. This isn't like him. And C was like maybe he's just sleeping and his phone is off but it was ringing. So T called him a few times and C did and still nothing. T was like B, do you have keys to his house?!  

Finally, we got ahold of him but I honestly was at the point where I was ready to have a panick attack. I couldn't leave to go see if he was okay. I was just stuck worried beyond belief. All these horrible thoughts were rushing through my head. I mean last week when he was in China we talked quite a bit. It's not like him not to respond. 

I drunkenly told him I love him the other day and a part of me was thinking I'm so grateful I said it, but please don't let anything happen to him. I was really mad at myself about it at first but at the end of the day I'm really not. He should know. I think he does but other times I don't know if he does. He's been so good to me lately. Honestly, checking on me and supportive and reminding me not to be too hard on myself. 

Tonight he said, I think you've lost weight. I was like nope definitely not. I feel like a whale, I've gained weight for sure. And he was like well it doesn't look like it, especially your legs. I was like haha it's my jeans. He's like maybe.. Cranks his entire neck around blatantly staring at my ass and legs. I just appreciate his effort to build me up because he knows I need it. 

Gatsby. Gets me every time.

Silly little brat.

He's such an odd human. Last night his best friend S came in and afterwards we were talking and he was asking me what I thought of J and if she was nice etc. Then I said yeah I don't know if she knows who I am though... She recognizes me from here but I don't think she knows I'm B. And he's like no she definitely knows about B, she might not put your face to the name but she knows who I'm talking about when I say B.

It's just kind of weird because he's been making a point to include me in his life with he people he cares about. 

It was funny because he's like I'm just going to Starbucks to get some instant coffee and I said pardon? So he repeated himself and T was like did you just offer to get her something from Starbucks? And J was like no. I laughed and said yeah right.  And T's like haha J you're still not going to offer her one even after I suggested it... And both T and I started laughing and he's like you're such a jerk J. 

Jaded.

I'm glad that people know how to have fun and enjoy themselves and whatever but I look on Facebook and all I see pictures of people where I come from is partying. It is honestly what pictures of my life look like from 3-5 years ago. Maybe I'm missing out but I just don't understand it. I have zero desire for that lifestyle. It doesn't appeal to me at all. How is doing that over and over fun? They're exactly the way they were 8-10 years ago. Maybe I'm just a grumpy old lady now but it just has zero appeal to me. Who is really jaded here? Me or them?