Think less. Feel more.

Today I was really proud of myself. I got up this morning to go to J's to watch the soccer game like we planned. And I texted him to see if he wanted his usual, or if he wanted a warm drink because it was so cold. He never answered. So I got him the usual and assumed he was just sleeping until the last possible minute. I got to his house and all the lights were out so I just figured he was asleep. I was annoyed at this point he didn't set his alarm or he was ignoring it, and my text but I didn't say anything. I waited about 10 minutes then left. I was pretty annoyed because I got up at 6:45 to leave shortly after 7 to be there in time but I wasn't about to wake him up to barge into his house at 8am.
Later, he texted me apologizing profusely that his phone wasn't properly plugged in so it died. He lectured me about not knocking so that Dukey would wake him up. He woke up at 8:15 turned on the lights immediately and rushed out but I was already gone at that point.
I think he expected me to be a whole lot more upset than I was because we made plans and it basically came off like he was ignoring me. I was annoyed but at the same time, I chose to let him sleep because I figured he probably needed it. Sure, I wanted to see him and hang out with Duke but it wasn't the end of the world.
He said, are you okay?
In my head this triggered something for me. Are you okay. Since when has he ever in my life asked me after he's done something silly if I'm okay.
I'm proud of myself for how I handled it. In my head, I was being myself. I was completely overreacting thinking he's ignoring me, he doesn't want me to come over, blah, blah, every reason in the book. I'm not going to knock and wake him up, clearly it's not that important to him that I'm here. Over-analyze, over-analyze, over-analyze.
I know him well enough to know he just wouldn't have told me to come over if he didn't want me there. SK reminded me the other day when we were talking about him that he is the type of person that would just say no if he didn't want to do something. He is very black and white that way. He wouldn't do something because he felt obligated. He just wouldn't do it.
When he was apologizing I told him to relax, he was asleep. It's not the end of the world. I think he was taken aback that I was so level-headed about it. I think both of us are making a more wholehearted effort to just be. We're more forward about spending time together. I was taken aback when he asked me to sit on the couch last week. It's nice, that's all. It's nice to have him in my life.

Every day wins.

I started going to spin and it is honestly the most amazing thing ever. I love it. I want to be a motivator. It's absolutely disgusting but what an amazing workout.

Love. Love. Love.

He invited me to Mexico with him today. I honestly fucking love him. I cannot even put my feelings into words. 

Ease and grace.

It's nothing new but he's honestly the best and worst. I am accustomed to it now so while he frustrates me sometimes, I've altered my expectations. It's interesting because I've been so busy that I haven't seen him much or spoken to him. And I honestly felt a little bad on Sunday because he ended up having to be there and serve. He's good with that; he doesn't pressure me into talking about it but he's there and makes sure I know it.
He's been making a bit more of an effort to bring things up or have a chat. But yesterday and today were really interesting. He made me Dukey's emergency contact at doggy day care. When he told me, I laughed because that's probably the silliest thing I've ever heard but endearing none the less. He showed me his first day report card with pictures and everything today and he had to fill in my "relationship to dog". We died laughing about all the possibilities he should have written, especially one along the lines of "play thing" and "no strings attached" female friend.
It was nice tonight because I texted him to see if I could visit Dukey and he wasn't home and I hate pressuring him into hanging out but I genuinely think it's just not in his nature to initiate that sort of thing. He is so awkward about that sort of thing. He was like I'm not home and I said okay well it wouldn't be for an hour or two but it's completely okay. And of course he's like no no let me know when you're done. So I did and again he's like I'm on my way home and I'm not busy, it's fine with me if you come over. Which is really his way of saying come over, I'm too stubborn to tell you I'd like to see you and I'm concerned about you.
I went there and we ate chocolate and drank wine and played with the baby and watched soccer. He is honestly just the best friend. And I know I say it over and over but that's the type of relationship I want. It's so silly.
He put all this travel stuff together for me and offered me his men's belt that's a very secretive money pouch. He's just thoughtful like that. He was so concerned I wouldn't have all the things I would need.
It's that sort of stuff that really kills me. I mean of course I would do it for him. It's just like after all of our clashes, struggles, challenges; it's just easy. It's low-key and comfortable and we're friends. That is what I want in a relationship.

I knew this was happening again.

I honestly just want to curl up in a ball and cry. 

A split second.

Mom is in the hospital again. 

Shot to the heart.

I found box of my writing from high school tonight. It was emotional to say the least. I didn't read much. I think I might just throw it out. 

What it feels like to laugh again.

Love yourself.

I can't explain it.

I'm more than consciously aware of how terrible of a decision it would be but can I just say fuck I am attracted to him. He is so sure of himself and I think it is so sexy. 

Brooke Davis

"Life kicks you around sometimes. It scares you and it beats you up, but there's a day you realize you're not just a survivor, you're a warrior. You're tougher than anything it throws your way. And you are... You are." 

Be good. Find good.

Teachers.

Nathan Scott

"It's the oldest story in the world. One day you're seventeen and planning for someday. And then quietly and without you ever really noticing, someday is today. And that someday is yesterday. And this is your life." 

Little things.

Today I opened the door for D's classroom and a girl in his class said to me, "you look so pretty today". I was speechless. I was wearing my glasses, my hair was in a messy bun, I had a blue scarf with mustard yellow pants and a black shirt. I didn't feel like I looked good today at all. We need more people like that in the world. In leadership, we talk about that all the time. And I wonder if that kind of thing can really make a difference. It's like we are afraid to sound creepy or overbearing when we compliment others. I asked my kids how many of them feel uncomfortable when someone compliments them, more than half raised their hands. That's a problem to me. We need to build a culture that encourages building each other up, little by little. 

Cool.

I am furious still. Last night I sent J a picture of the Chelsea fixture. And I said what do you think about going to this? And he said I'm already booked with T, hospitality packages... Stupid expensive then something about being a red member and tickets going on sale in December. All I replied was cool. So he said cool back. 

I'm upset because for over 6 months he's been asking me what game I want to go to this year. He asked me before the fixtures came out, when the fixtures came out, in the summer, and in the fall when he asked me to the other game I couldn't swing I told him specifically this is the game I want to go to. Every time I have said this particular game. And now he's going with his brother without even a mention of it. And I get it, they're brothers, they cheer for the same team and it's a big game. My frustration comes from the fact that he's asked me. He is the one who, on numerous occasions has asked me which game I want to go to. He is the one who asked me to go in the fall. He is the one who has repeatedly asked me when I want to go. He knows that's the game I want to go to. And the fact that he makes a comment about how expensive it is also pisses me off. I can make something like that happen. I could've made the fall happen but it would have been irresponsible especially for a game I didn't care that much about. And now I am just so annoyed with him. 

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Do better.

And start treating myself like I do.

I just want to take your time.

I'm going to step back from D. Yes, he's good to me but the more I think about t, the more it stresses me out. While I love J and I'm grateful to have him in my life, I cannot do this again. I cannot have another J. It will kill me. I cannot do another all over the place crossing professional lines but never fully crossing them garbage. I can't do the says he's here for me but makes it difficult because he's all over the place again. 

At some point you have to protect yourself.