All I want for Christmas is you.

love is just love.

You know, I talk about marrying a rich man who can provide me with the forty thousand dollar engagement ring and I can live a high class life that is high profile and extravagant. But I think if I found a man that made me feel special every single day and he loved everything about me, I'd be okay. I'd be okay if I had to wear my Claddaugh ring as my wedding ring for the rest of my life as long as I had a good marriage; as long we love with a love that is more than love.

Always torn.

You know what's really weird? I feel okay. I mean I feel great. I'm okay. I am happy. I don't feel broken. I thought it would have been a phase, you know, like all the other times. I feel great. I'm happy. I'm nervous because I have a lot of really big changes all at once going on right now but I feel pretty good about life. I am excited for the new year. I sure hope 2014 is better than 2013. It's weird though. With 2013 I had a lot of terrible things happen, I lost a lot of people I loved and have faced some tribulations that are extremely tough. At the same time, I've become close with some of the most wonderful people. I've built some incredible friendships. I've had FUN which is saying something for me. I am proud of myself for how far I've come this year.
I mean at the beginning of this year, even three or four months ago, I would've said I'm going to get back with number twelve eventually. Now, I'm not so sure. I love him and I know that I always will. This time, I can say that I really do expect a lot more if we were ever going to be together again. I deserve more and so does he. We would both have to really put an incredible amount of effort in and we would have to be kinder to one another and commit. That's probably the hardest part for both of us: commitment.
I am not set on it though. I'm open to meeting new people and building new relationships. I haven't felt like this in six years. That's an incredible amount of time. I am actually just really happy right now. A piece of me is afraid for him to be home at Christmas. A tiny part of me hopes to see him out and about so that I know if I'm really over it or if it's just easy because I haven't seen or spoke to him. Another part of me prays I don't see him in the case that I can't handle it and I fall apart again.
I feel good and strong and happy. And I want to stay that way. I choose to stay that way.

Too pretty for your own good.

I'm honestly so embarrassing. I don't get giddy or nervous about boys like ever. Tonight BH came into Mox and literally like 30 seconds after he got there R is like B, BH is here for a Christmas Party and I was like is he wearing a suit and he's like yep he looks good. Then I saw him and I'm like drooling and I go to one of my tables and AD and TT literally stood at the wine tree and waited to tell me he was there. He went to the bathroom and as he walked up the stairs I was staring at him (OBVIOUSLY) and I literally walked into the fireplace. Like how embarrassing is that. Then I walk into the kitchen and KG is like your boyfriend is here. And I was like I KNOW I JUST WALKED INTO THE FUCKING FIREPLACE.
All in all everyone had a good laugh about it. But actually, why is he so beautiful.

Heart officially melted.

Last night I was serving this really nice family and the little girl whispered something so I said pardon me? And she said it really quietly again and so I was like I'm sorry I can't hear you sweetie. And her mom said, "you're really pretty". And I almost died, my heart just melted. You know those days when you just really need a nice compliment? Hearing something like that from a little girl is so nice. Made my whole day. 

Could've called that 4 years ago.

HJR just texted me. Apparently sofaking lost his licence, presumably for a DUI considering he is selling his truck. I am not surprised in the slightest. 

I hate him. I wish that I didn't care either way but I do. I don't want to care about someone who can treat people the way he treated me. It's who I am. Hopefully this helps him to realize his behaviours are dangerous. And hopefully he figures out what will make him happy in life. I want him to be successful and find what he wants out of life. 

I wish that I didn't care though. 

I love Tim.

Nashville wouldn't be Nashville, without you.

library thoughts.

Honestly, this is so rude but I don't understand how I am single sometimes. Like I know, I have standards but still. I see all these people in relationships and I'm like if someone loves you, how is it possible that no one loves me? But actually I don't think I'm a completely revolting human being so what the fuck.

Probably should stop going to Hudson's.

It's actually kind of pathetic how much I adore this boy. His smile makes me melt. Like actually. He is so beautiful. Yesterday  AD showed me a picture of him from a wedding they went to and he was all dressed up in a suit and I was like ohhh my gosh in love. And on Friday when we got to Hudson's he looked at me smiled and pointed with an overt heeeeyyyyyyy! And I was like oh my gosh I'm going to melt. I've never even had a real conversation with him like come on stop being a giddy school girl. He just makes you feel special. I can't explain it further. He looks at you like he's looking right down into your soul. 

Reflection.

I just read an article about suicide. It's crazy you know, how someone can be in that place. I suppose for me it's harder to understand that I was in that place. I have attempted suicide and I think what is difficult for me now is accepting that I was once so immature and cowardly to let myself get to that place when there are so many resources for feeling that way. I'm grateful that I was unsuccessful. I am so happy to have lived and loved and to feel the way that I do about the beauty of life. 

Where do you go when you're lonely?

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.

Do you know the days that you just wish someone was laying beside you? I don't even need him to be touching me, just to know he was there would be enough. 

Most nights number twelve would squeeze me so tight I couldn't breathe (I flail a lot, it was justified) but sometimes he would let me free and we would hold hands or he'd just put his hand on my hip so I knew he was there. If I got really lucky he'd lay close enough that if I moved I'd definitely know he was there because he was that close but if I didn't move I just knew he was there right next to me. 

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.

Do you know the days that you just wish someone was laying beside you? I don't even need him to be touching me, just to know he was there would be enough. 

Most nights number twelve would squeeze me so tight I couldn't breathe (I flail a lot, it was justified) but sometimes he would let me free and we would hold hands or he'd just put his hand on my hip so I knew he was there. If I got really lucky he'd lay close enough that if I moved I'd definitely know he was there because he was that close but if I didn't move I just knew he was there right next to me. 

He'd probably say it's alright and hold me while my tears pour.

He's got the kind of heart that any girl would die for,
so how could I want more?

And I think he knows it too.

And I think that's why time and time again I revert back to him. I love him. I always will. I think on some level I think that I love that he loves me and that's not fair. 

The Sun Also Rises.

This is hard for me to think about and hard for me to admit especially out loud to anyone. Sofaking and KM are still together and it bothers me. I'm jealous. Not jealous that she's with him and I'm not, jealous that they're in a relationship and number twelve and I are not. And in my head I can rationalize all of it you know? I know that there relationship is built on different things than number twelve and mine. I know that number twelve and I had some pretty honest conversations about it. Something tells me KM and sofaking haven't. Something tells me they just pretend I don't exist and none of that situation ever happened. 

But it did happen. It happened to me. I was a part of it. I made bad choices and there were bad consequences for me. And while yes I see the assault portion from another view and it doesn't always resonate that that happened to me instead of someone else, I consciously know that it was me. I was the one that ended up in the hospital with a police officer and a doctor humiliating me. And I'm the one that lost the boy I love. And the friend I truly cared about. 

And I know I'm better off right? I'm supposed to tell myself that sofaking lost me as a friend and number twelve lost me as a girlfriend and a friend. But at some point it's hard for me because I accepted what I did. I know that I made a choice and a bad one at that. And that's okay, I'm okay with that choice but sometimes it's just really not fair how it happened for me. 

I guess I just wonder if the choices I made a 18 years old are going to define the rest of my days. I know that I'm stronger than most people. It took me a long time to realize that but just because I'm strong doesn't mean I should always have to go through harder things. I mean it's petty and immature but I'm sad that I'm alone sometimes. I'm strong enough to be alone, I know. And I mean mom has cancer again and she's getting sicker and weaker and I don't know how I deal with that. She's my mom, she's my hero. She is stronger than I will ever be and you can't possibly understand what it's like to watch the strongest person you know lose their strength because it's out of their control unless you've lived it. And I want to be strong for her. I'm trying so hard because she has always been strong for me. 

And I think that's what I miss the most about number twelve. When I needed him to be strong for me, he was. He could hold me and it was like my strength came back. And sometimes now that's why I'm jealous. I'm jealous that I don't have someone to be strong for me. 

At some point I know that it's my own fault. I'm strong and independent and that's scary because I keep people out a lot of the times because I can convince myself that I don't need anyone. If I rely only on myself I can't get hurt. But if I only rely on myself I will always be alone. 

I see people in serious relationships and getting married and moving in together and I want that. And that sounds ridiculous I know and it's not like I'm like oh I want to be married and living with someone in 6 months. It's not like that at all, but I would like there to be someone that I could consider having a future with. Someone to just be here and hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay even if it isn't. 

I just feel like I'm never going to find anybody. I feel like no one is ever going to want to be with me. I feel like I'm never going to be enough for someone. That's how I feel. I know it's irrational and insecure and emotional but it's just how I feel.

It's always a little grey.

Hating you is the most exhausting thing I've ever had to do. 

I want you.

Is it wrong that I want to fall in love again? I want to be in love. I want to have a companion. I want to have someone who sends me a morning message and calls me just to say good night. I miss that contact communication with someone, you know? I just want to feel loved like that again. It's not even that I'm lonely, I'm not. I just crave the physical closeness of a man.

Mcsteamy and Little Grey.

I like who I am.

I think it's easy to get tangled up in wishing and wanting things we don't have. I think because of where I am right now is why I'm okay. Don't get me wrong, I miss number twelve every day. And lately I have really felt like it'd be nice to have a boy around. I think, I'm actually ready to consider a new boy. And that is an incredible feat for me.
I also think that's why I'm less concerned about MH and BH. I think they're both beautiful but honestly, I like who I am. I'm content with who I am. I think that's why I wasn't really concerned to go back to Hudson's last night. A few months ago I would've been too embarrassed to go back there after he gave his number to SM the other night when she was talking me up. DICK. But I was just like fuck that buddy. I like who I am and if you don't too bad for you. I am not going to tip toe around and avoid going to places with my friends because of you.
I'm actually pretty proud of myself for that. I find as I get old I become more and more comfortable with who I am. I think that's a good thing. I am starting to like who I am. I've been fighting a battle of self-hatred for 22 years and I think it's time to practice some self love. Self-appreciation.