And I think he knows it too.

And I think that's why time and time again I revert back to him. I love him. I always will. I think on some level I think that I love that he loves me and that's not fair. 

The Sun Also Rises.

This is hard for me to think about and hard for me to admit especially out loud to anyone. Sofaking and KM are still together and it bothers me. I'm jealous. Not jealous that she's with him and I'm not, jealous that they're in a relationship and number twelve and I are not. And in my head I can rationalize all of it you know? I know that there relationship is built on different things than number twelve and mine. I know that number twelve and I had some pretty honest conversations about it. Something tells me KM and sofaking haven't. Something tells me they just pretend I don't exist and none of that situation ever happened. 

But it did happen. It happened to me. I was a part of it. I made bad choices and there were bad consequences for me. And while yes I see the assault portion from another view and it doesn't always resonate that that happened to me instead of someone else, I consciously know that it was me. I was the one that ended up in the hospital with a police officer and a doctor humiliating me. And I'm the one that lost the boy I love. And the friend I truly cared about. 

And I know I'm better off right? I'm supposed to tell myself that sofaking lost me as a friend and number twelve lost me as a girlfriend and a friend. But at some point it's hard for me because I accepted what I did. I know that I made a choice and a bad one at that. And that's okay, I'm okay with that choice but sometimes it's just really not fair how it happened for me. 

I guess I just wonder if the choices I made a 18 years old are going to define the rest of my days. I know that I'm stronger than most people. It took me a long time to realize that but just because I'm strong doesn't mean I should always have to go through harder things. I mean it's petty and immature but I'm sad that I'm alone sometimes. I'm strong enough to be alone, I know. And I mean mom has cancer again and she's getting sicker and weaker and I don't know how I deal with that. She's my mom, she's my hero. She is stronger than I will ever be and you can't possibly understand what it's like to watch the strongest person you know lose their strength because it's out of their control unless you've lived it. And I want to be strong for her. I'm trying so hard because she has always been strong for me. 

And I think that's what I miss the most about number twelve. When I needed him to be strong for me, he was. He could hold me and it was like my strength came back. And sometimes now that's why I'm jealous. I'm jealous that I don't have someone to be strong for me. 

At some point I know that it's my own fault. I'm strong and independent and that's scary because I keep people out a lot of the times because I can convince myself that I don't need anyone. If I rely only on myself I can't get hurt. But if I only rely on myself I will always be alone. 

I see people in serious relationships and getting married and moving in together and I want that. And that sounds ridiculous I know and it's not like I'm like oh I want to be married and living with someone in 6 months. It's not like that at all, but I would like there to be someone that I could consider having a future with. Someone to just be here and hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay even if it isn't. 

I just feel like I'm never going to find anybody. I feel like no one is ever going to want to be with me. I feel like I'm never going to be enough for someone. That's how I feel. I know it's irrational and insecure and emotional but it's just how I feel.

It's always a little grey.

Hating you is the most exhausting thing I've ever had to do. 

I want you.

Is it wrong that I want to fall in love again? I want to be in love. I want to have a companion. I want to have someone who sends me a morning message and calls me just to say good night. I miss that contact communication with someone, you know? I just want to feel loved like that again. It's not even that I'm lonely, I'm not. I just crave the physical closeness of a man.

Mcsteamy and Little Grey.

I like who I am.

I think it's easy to get tangled up in wishing and wanting things we don't have. I think because of where I am right now is why I'm okay. Don't get me wrong, I miss number twelve every day. And lately I have really felt like it'd be nice to have a boy around. I think, I'm actually ready to consider a new boy. And that is an incredible feat for me.
I also think that's why I'm less concerned about MH and BH. I think they're both beautiful but honestly, I like who I am. I'm content with who I am. I think that's why I wasn't really concerned to go back to Hudson's last night. A few months ago I would've been too embarrassed to go back there after he gave his number to SM the other night when she was talking me up. DICK. But I was just like fuck that buddy. I like who I am and if you don't too bad for you. I am not going to tip toe around and avoid going to places with my friends because of you.
I'm actually pretty proud of myself for that. I find as I get old I become more and more comfortable with who I am. I think that's a good thing. I am starting to like who I am. I've been fighting a battle of self-hatred for 22 years and I think it's time to practice some self love. Self-appreciation.

I want you to live.

Sometimes I think about BB. I can't believe his gone. His birthday is next week. I can't believe he's gone. It is just so mind blowing to me. Life is just short. We never know, we never know how much time we have.
I think about it sometimes. And it makes me think about why it's important to be a good person. It's important to live life. I think it's so annoying when people post all these live for the moment posts. I just want to actually live through the moment. I think that's what has made these last few months so incredible. I haven't slept as much as I should, I haven't been as healthy as I should. I haven't worked as hard as I should've in school. But I am happy and I'm having fun and I can honestly say I love my life right now.

I know I'm so fucked.

I am honestly so pathetic but I am still smiling about last night. It makes me feel incredible to have someone like MH hit on you. I have never ever been that girl and boys are just a really scary and uneasy thing for me. I'm friends with boys, I pick them up from the bar, I go to the gym with them, drink beers, watch sports. Boys don't ever hit on me. Like ever. And I think it's harmed my self esteem in away. I'm also not the pretty girl. Guys don't look at me ever and go "she's so hot," instead they go that girl can lay the throw down. In fact on Wednesday night I was talking with two boys and I said something and he's like yeah I bet you could beat the shit out of someone, and I was like why and he's I've seen you at the gym b. 

I am very very self conscious but I don't really show that. People just think I'm a judgemental bitch most of the time. But I'm not and my size has always been an issue for me. I'm not tiny and I'm never going to be tiny. In the last few months since I started working out with TH and following his resistance training program, I've started to see results.  And I love it. I feel so much better about myself. I know boys are looking at me and I just LOVE it. It's honestly pathetic. And that's why when someone like MH is giving me attention it literally makes me giddy an embarrassing amount. I slept so well last night. I went to bed happy and woke up happy despite my 6 hours of sleep. I need to feel like someone other than number twelve will be attracted to me, someone else might possibly fall in love with me someday. 

And I know how completely fucked up that must sound. But every other boy hat shows interest makes it my day a lttle easier without number twelve. And every boy makes me feel a little better about myself. And that's a really nice change for me. 

I'm such an idiot.

Why do I love him sooo much? Why is he so beautiful? 

Feeling pretty good tonight.

I'm sorry but when MH is sending you multiple winks and encouraging some things you melt a little inside. 

I'm thankful for good friends who remind me of my worth.

but actually I'm in love.

Dear BH,
I am actually like head over heels in love with you. Please have actually noticed me like I think at the gym last week. You are beautiful, kind, incredible at your job and I can't stop staring. The fact that you treat people as kind as you do and make everyone you speak to feel important is an admirable quality. I stare at you from afar often and hope to gain the courage to speak to you soon.
Sincerely,
BB.

Drives me crazy.

Also, pet peeve: when I can see you read my message and don't reply. Come on.

fuck.

Sometimes I'm an idiot when I'm drunk. Okay most of the time.

Love is timeless.

"You don't measure love in time. You measure love in transformation. Sometimes the longest connections yield very little growth, while the briefest of encounters change everything. The heart doesn't wear a watch- it's timeless. It doesn't care how long you know someone. It doesn't care if you had a 40 year anniversary if there is no juice in the connection. What the heart cares about is resonance. Resonance that opens it, resonance enlivens it, resonance calls it home. And when it finds it, the transformation begins..."

This is from my favourite blog, doesn't post often but all the posts make me think.

http://universoul.tumblr.com/

I shall believe.

I think the only thing to say is I love you and one day everything will be okay. 

Someday I'll see you again.

"Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will."

Would you?

"Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our lives, or if the moments in our lives make us? If you could go back and change just one thing about your life would you? And if you did, would that change make your life better? Or would that change ultimately break your heart, or break the heart of another? Would you choose an entirely different path? Or would you change just one thing, just one moment, one moment that you've always wanted back?"

and we'll always be friends forever.

Goodbye may seem like forever, a farewell is like the end; but in my heart's a memory and there you'll always be.

Is it a fallacy?

Do you believe in true love? Or fate? Or the concept of a soulmate? Are any of those even real? Or are they just fictionalized portrayals of love created for girls to watch more movies. I sometimes wonder if true love exists. If we have a soulmate.
I am conflicted when I think about this because I think about someone like sunshine. We were literally so compatible in theory, but it practice it would never work. I loved him and I know that he loved me even if he never admits it out loud to anybody. And I'm okay with that because I learned so much from him about who I am from him. And I learned who I'm not. I have never gotten along with someone so well, even number twelve. He was probably the best friend I ever had at that point. I mean, as good of a friendship you can have in high school.
I think about the differences between number twelve and sunshine. And there are so many. I loved both of them so deeply, but so differently.
So I wonder, can you know that someone is meant for you? Is it possible to feel that? To know, without a seed of a doubt, that someone is perfect for you? I always thought I knew. Now, I'm not so sure what I think. I suppose I don't understand why you need to hurt, to know love. I don't understand why you have to take space to desire closeness. I needed those things but I cannot wrap my head around why.