I want you to live.

Sometimes I think about BB. I can't believe his gone. His birthday is next week. I can't believe he's gone. It is just so mind blowing to me. Life is just short. We never know, we never know how much time we have.
I think about it sometimes. And it makes me think about why it's important to be a good person. It's important to live life. I think it's so annoying when people post all these live for the moment posts. I just want to actually live through the moment. I think that's what has made these last few months so incredible. I haven't slept as much as I should, I haven't been as healthy as I should. I haven't worked as hard as I should've in school. But I am happy and I'm having fun and I can honestly say I love my life right now.

I know I'm so fucked.

I am honestly so pathetic but I am still smiling about last night. It makes me feel incredible to have someone like MH hit on you. I have never ever been that girl and boys are just a really scary and uneasy thing for me. I'm friends with boys, I pick them up from the bar, I go to the gym with them, drink beers, watch sports. Boys don't ever hit on me. Like ever. And I think it's harmed my self esteem in away. I'm also not the pretty girl. Guys don't look at me ever and go "she's so hot," instead they go that girl can lay the throw down. In fact on Wednesday night I was talking with two boys and I said something and he's like yeah I bet you could beat the shit out of someone, and I was like why and he's I've seen you at the gym b. 

I am very very self conscious but I don't really show that. People just think I'm a judgemental bitch most of the time. But I'm not and my size has always been an issue for me. I'm not tiny and I'm never going to be tiny. In the last few months since I started working out with TH and following his resistance training program, I've started to see results.  And I love it. I feel so much better about myself. I know boys are looking at me and I just LOVE it. It's honestly pathetic. And that's why when someone like MH is giving me attention it literally makes me giddy an embarrassing amount. I slept so well last night. I went to bed happy and woke up happy despite my 6 hours of sleep. I need to feel like someone other than number twelve will be attracted to me, someone else might possibly fall in love with me someday. 

And I know how completely fucked up that must sound. But every other boy hat shows interest makes it my day a lttle easier without number twelve. And every boy makes me feel a little better about myself. And that's a really nice change for me. 

I'm such an idiot.

Why do I love him sooo much? Why is he so beautiful? 

Feeling pretty good tonight.

I'm sorry but when MH is sending you multiple winks and encouraging some things you melt a little inside. 

I'm thankful for good friends who remind me of my worth.

but actually I'm in love.

Dear BH,
I am actually like head over heels in love with you. Please have actually noticed me like I think at the gym last week. You are beautiful, kind, incredible at your job and I can't stop staring. The fact that you treat people as kind as you do and make everyone you speak to feel important is an admirable quality. I stare at you from afar often and hope to gain the courage to speak to you soon.
Sincerely,
BB.

Drives me crazy.

Also, pet peeve: when I can see you read my message and don't reply. Come on.

fuck.

Sometimes I'm an idiot when I'm drunk. Okay most of the time.

Love is timeless.

"You don't measure love in time. You measure love in transformation. Sometimes the longest connections yield very little growth, while the briefest of encounters change everything. The heart doesn't wear a watch- it's timeless. It doesn't care how long you know someone. It doesn't care if you had a 40 year anniversary if there is no juice in the connection. What the heart cares about is resonance. Resonance that opens it, resonance enlivens it, resonance calls it home. And when it finds it, the transformation begins..."

This is from my favourite blog, doesn't post often but all the posts make me think.

http://universoul.tumblr.com/

I shall believe.

I think the only thing to say is I love you and one day everything will be okay. 

Someday I'll see you again.

"Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will."

Would you?

"Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our lives, or if the moments in our lives make us? If you could go back and change just one thing about your life would you? And if you did, would that change make your life better? Or would that change ultimately break your heart, or break the heart of another? Would you choose an entirely different path? Or would you change just one thing, just one moment, one moment that you've always wanted back?"

and we'll always be friends forever.

Goodbye may seem like forever, a farewell is like the end; but in my heart's a memory and there you'll always be.

Is it a fallacy?

Do you believe in true love? Or fate? Or the concept of a soulmate? Are any of those even real? Or are they just fictionalized portrayals of love created for girls to watch more movies. I sometimes wonder if true love exists. If we have a soulmate.
I am conflicted when I think about this because I think about someone like sunshine. We were literally so compatible in theory, but it practice it would never work. I loved him and I know that he loved me even if he never admits it out loud to anybody. And I'm okay with that because I learned so much from him about who I am from him. And I learned who I'm not. I have never gotten along with someone so well, even number twelve. He was probably the best friend I ever had at that point. I mean, as good of a friendship you can have in high school.
I think about the differences between number twelve and sunshine. And there are so many. I loved both of them so deeply, but so differently.
So I wonder, can you know that someone is meant for you? Is it possible to feel that? To know, without a seed of a doubt, that someone is perfect for you? I always thought I knew. Now, I'm not so sure what I think. I suppose I don't understand why you need to hurt, to know love. I don't understand why you have to take space to desire closeness. I needed those things but I cannot wrap my head around why.

Sometimes a little strength is all you need.

I started reading back over things I wrote about him four years ago. I don't know why exactly. Maybe to torture myself. Maybe to see that I am not the same person I was four years ago and neither is he. I think that's what is difficult for me. I always find myself reminiscing on what we used to be and how I used to feel.
Don't get me wrong, I miss him every day. But I'm okay. I haven't been this okay in a long time. I was pretty close to messaging him the other day and I'm glad that I didn't because I need to be strong on my own. I need to learn to be okay without him because every time things have gotten really hard in the last three years and I've felt like I'm going to break, I call him. And when I call him everything is okay but I relapse. Every single time.

No one can take your place.

And sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today. 

silly girl.

Weird day. Joined tinder. Hopefully I can find someone to shamelessly flirt with.

weird.

I'm a very disconnected person. And by that I mean, I disconnect myself. I choose to not let people close to me. When people get close to me I get afraid. Other people are so open and they tell me these details in their lives and I just don't always know how to deal with it because I am not like that.
I am a crazy person, honestly.
I spend time with people all the time and I love social interaction and being around people and working in the service industry. And then I just hit this wall where all that I want in my life is to be alone. I feel bad a little bit because JP has been trying to talk to me and so has my other roommate and I was honestly so close to just being like please fuck off. As kindly as possible leave me the fuck alone. I don't want the small talk about how was your day and work etc. I want to just spend five minutes alone.

Today is one of those days.

Some days I just need a hug. 

Is it over yet?

Tonight was just a very disappointing sad night.