Sometimes a little strength is all you need.

I started reading back over things I wrote about him four years ago. I don't know why exactly. Maybe to torture myself. Maybe to see that I am not the same person I was four years ago and neither is he. I think that's what is difficult for me. I always find myself reminiscing on what we used to be and how I used to feel.
Don't get me wrong, I miss him every day. But I'm okay. I haven't been this okay in a long time. I was pretty close to messaging him the other day and I'm glad that I didn't because I need to be strong on my own. I need to learn to be okay without him because every time things have gotten really hard in the last three years and I've felt like I'm going to break, I call him. And when I call him everything is okay but I relapse. Every single time.

No one can take your place.

And sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today. 

silly girl.

Weird day. Joined tinder. Hopefully I can find someone to shamelessly flirt with.

weird.

I'm a very disconnected person. And by that I mean, I disconnect myself. I choose to not let people close to me. When people get close to me I get afraid. Other people are so open and they tell me these details in their lives and I just don't always know how to deal with it because I am not like that.
I am a crazy person, honestly.
I spend time with people all the time and I love social interaction and being around people and working in the service industry. And then I just hit this wall where all that I want in my life is to be alone. I feel bad a little bit because JP has been trying to talk to me and so has my other roommate and I was honestly so close to just being like please fuck off. As kindly as possible leave me the fuck alone. I don't want the small talk about how was your day and work etc. I want to just spend five minutes alone.

Today is one of those days.

Some days I just need a hug. 

Is it over yet?

Tonight was just a very disappointing sad night. 

So sore.

First time doing hack squats you'd think I'd be smart enough to go easy on the weight. No no 45s on each side and 4 sets seems like a great idea. I can barely fucking walk today. Each step I make and even turning over in my bed is painful. F my life. 

Sex is the easy part.

How do you become a serial relationship enthusiast? I don't understand it. There are so many people who date person after person after person for extended periods of time each and I cannot wrap my head around it. Like the concept of getting into a relationship is daunting to me. After 6 years of on and off and the amount of myself I gave to number twelve in that time. I cannot imagine doing that 3 times to 3 different people in that six years. Officially, we've been broken up for 3 and a half years. When that happened and since then, the concept of another relationship scares the hell out of me. That is such a large piece of yourself to give someone. How do you split that between 3 or 4 or 6 people. It just blows me away completely.
It sounds awful to me. And maybe this is a product of my environment and my life and media and society and all the other things we blame on the world but I think giving your body away to someone is a lot easier that giving your heart and soul to someone. There are some choices I wish I hadn't have made drunk, choices that ultimately changed me in a way I could not foresee at the time. Giving someone your body is easy and can be done with just the wrong (or right depending how you view it) combination of substances. Giving someone your heart requires the conscious decision to be vulnerable. While I don't think loving someone is in our control, I absolutely think that allowing yourself to open up to someone completely, allowing someone to be able to break you is a much more personal and a much more difficult thing to do.

I can't say it out loud but fuck do I miss you.

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm going to love him every day for the rest is my life. I'm okay with that but is there every going to be a day I don't miss him. 

Don't know if it really even matters to you.

I am a terrible selfish person. I sometimes think about horrible things. I sometimes wish that something bad would happen to me, you know like I'd get into a terrible accident just to see who would care, just to see if he would care. And I know it's stupid and selfish and ridiculous that it. But I can't help but think about it sometimes. I wonder if he was faced with really losing me forever if that'd change anything for him.

Exactly 4 years today.

I fucking hate the number twelve. It perpetuates my whole fucking life. November twelfth can s my d. Number twelve can stop breaking my heart any time now. 

The day you stop believing in love is the day you're wrong.

"To all the lost souls who have forgotten to believe in the immensity of love."

-Lucas Scott  

I guess I'm wrong. 

Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from.

I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately. All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind. I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I've got to do or who I'm supposed to be. I don't wanna be anything other than me. 

Conflicted.

I wish there was some incredible sign. Something that told you what you were meant to do in life. It would almost be simpler if things were the way they were in Lois Lowry's 'The Giver'. Everything is set out for you without your control. Your whole life is planned out for you: your career, your marriage, your children. It would be so much easier if someone just told me what to do in life. If someone said, look you haven't wasted the last five years of your life, one day your degrees will come in handy. 

I don't want to be a teacher. Every time Ithink  about it, I think about how unhappy I think I would be as a teacher. I don't hate it but I don't love it. I don't know what I love. Or who I love or what I want. 

Some day I'll be living in a big ol' city.

I'm kind of sad tonight for a number of reasons. Mom is gone. I came home but she's in Radium this weekend which really sucks. She left me wine and baileys and my favourite peanut butter squares thought just to make sure I knew she loves me.
Last night they retired BB's jersey in Medicine Hat. Their program has never retired a jersey before. It is just incredible to think about how many lives he truly touched.
Tonight I was lit up my the monsters. When I got home, JJ was so cute. He was all smiles and I picked him up and gave him the biggest hug. When I went to go to the bathroom I put him down and turned around to walk away and he started freaking out because he thought I was leaving. It honestly melted my heart.
When I went and saw S and W, they were watching Monsters University (great flick I might add) and S jumped into my arms and just like was so excited. W was cuddling his dad and he jumped off him and ran over to me. They both just sat in my chair with me and wanted to cuddle. S asked me to "sleep in her top bunk bed".
I wanted to go out tonight. I didn't want to drink but I really wanted to go out. I couldn't even tell you the last time I went to Billy's. I just wanted to see people you know. I sometimes long for the person I used to be. I was just sad because I don't really feel like most of my friends from here care at all if I even exist. I know that's dramatic and I chose this and I am so grateful for my leth friends. I haven't really put much of an effort towards people from rd especially in the last year or so but I just feel above it.
Tonight I went with ZG to a house party at TE's and it was just honestly so ridiculous. They went to Lotus and it was just everything that I'm not. Their conversations were actually painful to listen to. I didn't even know it was possible to be that annoying. I was just taken aback. I don't honestly think I was ever that stupid or that annoying, even when drunk. I wanted to punch every person there basically. I know I've done some super dumb and super annoying shit but that was just a whole new level.
I just feel out of place here now. If it weren't for my family, I really don't know when I'd ever come back here. I had to leave that house so I just got in my car, got a hot chocolate and drove. Tears were streaming down my face because the place that is supposed to be my home isn't. The person that I was here doesn't exist anymore. The people I used to spend my time with are still doing the exact same things they were doing 2, 4, and 6 years ago. I'm just not a part of it. And I was really sad tonight because I felt lonely and excluded but I  don't really know if I want to fit in here. I've never fit in here. I used to do a pretty good job pretending I did but this place just sucks the life out of you. You fall in to this habit of complacency. I don't ever want that.
I'm just really sad tonight.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart-- that's true strength. "

The little things.

I hate that boy so much. I am sitting here with my socks half off and half on my feet because they are too hot. If I take my socks completely off my feet will get too cold. What a stupid jerk making my pick up his annoying habits and drive me crazy.

Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore.

The last few nights I've struggled to sleep. I know it's silly and I know it's difficult. I was talking to my sister the other night and I told her I'm sad because there is so much changing in my life in the next few months that it'd be really nice to have something stable. While number twelve and I were far from stable, he was always just a phone call or a text away and then I could visit and our conversation and his hug made everything feel like it was going to be okay. He's 1700 miles away. I can't just text him and stop by on my way home.
The hard part is that I know that this is better for us. Seeing him and speaking to him makes all progress I make go backwards. He makes me realize why I fell in love with him in the first place and everything in my life falls apart again because my heart aches for that love. My body yearns for his arms.
I guess I just wonder why people you love so much have to come into your life if you're going to lose them. Sure, I've learned an incredible amount from him and I've learned an incredible amount about myself from our relationship. Interestingly, I've learned a lot about other people and the way they react to certain things. I learned a lot about how different relationships are and how different people are in relationships.
I understand people come into your life because you're supposed to learn something from them. I sometimes just wonder what the point of the incredible pain in my heart is. What is the point of missing somebody every single day? What is this teaching me?

I wonder if I ever cross your mind, for me it happens all the time.

Do you ever wonder if people from your past think about you? I sometimes wonder if people like sunshine or sofaking or tc think of me. I wonder if I ever cross number twelve's mind. Sometimes I think about them and how they're doing and I wonder what happened to us and how we got here. How did we get here? How could we be so far from the people we used to be? It was only 4 years ago. The person I was then and now are not even comparable. The people I thought would be in my life forever have been gone for a long time. 

I've been watching one tree hill and in this season it's four years since they graduated high school. It's hit me much harder than it did before. In fact I've been bawling for a good two hours. The changes in friends and family and life and dreams has all changed. Everything's changed. I don't even know who I used up be then. I have trouble wrapping my head around love. I have trouble wrapping my head around caring so much for someone and not speaking to them for years. 

I know you're supposed to come to terms with the fact that this is life. Things change in the real world and you just have to roll with it. But I don't understand it. I can't understand it. There's no course that teaches you how to make the right decision when you grow up. Or who to keep in your life forever. Who are you supposed to be? How do you get through the tough patches? Is it ever going to get easier? 

Blessed are the hearts that bend for they will never be broken.

I sometimes wonder why I torture myself like this, at least, I think about it while tears stream down my face.