it's all about energy.

so yesterday i went to this chick who like reads your energy and tells you things. she's kind of like a psychic but it's all about your energy. i was pretty skeptical but she was nuts. she told me the craziest things about myself. she talked about sunshine and number twelve and sofa king and big brother and the family. she talked about my past and my family and my future. it was so nuts.

the question is...

u of c or u of l??

and it's entirely my fault.

i never knew i cared this much.
this hurts deeper than i thought it would.
i miss him.

you never know what you have until it's gone.

there's no statement more true.

i miss him.

i wish i could enjoy the little things.

can i just go home now?

how can i possibly just want to go home when what i really want is to leave?
i want to go away, far away. where they can't find me and i can be the person i want to be and i can shed everything for the last 18 years that i don't want to carry.
please can i go home so i can pack up and leave again?

on the contrary.

i'd really like to know about school. like if i've been accepted or not to lethbridge.
i could go to calgary again but i just don't want to. like at all.
i'm not even sure i want to go to school at all this year. i have been thinking about it more and more and i just don't know. i've been thinking about maybe going to la. just packing up, leaving and moving to la. can you imagine how amazing that would be? just leave everything behind. absolutely everything.
maybe i'm crazy but i just want to get the heck out of here.

sigh... relief.

welllll i finally got my rag that is a giant sigh of relief when you are double safe EVERY time. trust me. i was having a bit of a fit worrying and stressing about becoming a parent at 18. well, lucky i can breathe again.

i wanna go back to the way it was.

i miss the person i used to be.
and the integrity that drove my life.

i lost myself.

and everything that matters to me.

i feel like i'm taking crazy pills.

is it weird that i just kinda want to marry one of my best friends?
i'm sure you're like umm YES. but really. then you don't have to go through the whole process of getting to know someone and letting that person know you and not having it work out. i hate trying to get to know a boy and putting effort in (ie. 3 years) to have it not work out. like i legitimately thought that i'd one day marry sunshine. and it sounds stupid, i get it. but we just knew everything about each other and we never ran out of things to talk about and we were like drop everything for the other person supportive and it was just exactly the way love's supposed to be. but i just think marrying someone and spending your life with one of your best friends is ideal. i don't really have anyone picked out. (okay i kinda do have one i think i could be happy with for the rest of my life) but i just think it'd be lovely to just spend my life with someone i already love.

straight up.

i feel something for him.

conflicted.

is it wrong that i'm curious? that i want to know what it's like to be with someone else? that i want to know what else is out there? that i want to feel what it is to be with someone else?

what do you honestly think?

i honestly think that the two of you were done long ago and you are only together because that's what people expect of you. that's how it's supposed to be.

irony much?

he kissed me while we're both not single.

i think i made the wrong decision.

those are the words he said. "i think about it every day. i wonder if i should've never gone back to her. i would do it entirely different if i could do it over. i get really upset about it sometimes still."
well no shit your girlfriend cheated on you, then you took a break and she slept with two guys in a month. really? you think you should maybe not have taken her back?
that's not love.

a kiss?

what defines cheating?

history really does repeat itself.

so yesterday i worked at 6am then i went to mom's and she made me lunch and i had a nap. then i worked again and sofa king visited me. it was nuts i haven't seen him since i moved home for summer. so after work we planned to maybe go for a drink. i went for a long drive in the rain at 11 and waited for him. at midnight, we finally had a drink. (double grey goose soda is delicious by the way) so then we had this crazy chat about everything that's been going on and life and friends and just everything. i felt so much better because he apologized for being so silly and told me he missed me. then the pub was closing and he was like i'm not done talking.. let's go somewhere else. (did i mention he bought all my drinks? sweetheart.) so we tried to go a few places but pretty well everywhere was closed so we hit up billy's haha. we were really sweet and got a drink and sat a table in the corner and just kept talking. it was like we could never run out of things to talk about. so then the last song came on and he grabbed my hand and led me to the dancefloor. we danced to then by brad paisley. we finished our drinks and left. we sat in his truck for another half hour or so and just talked. then he dropped me off. he got out and gave me a big hug. then it happened. he kissed me. again. and i was speechless. i knew it was wrong but it just felt so right. then he opened my door, kissed me again and shut the door and waited till i left. prince charming right? wrong. he has a girlfriend and i have a boyfriend.

finally.

yesterday was a really good day.

is it really complicated or do we make it complicated?

number 12 and i have been fighting a lot lately. it's starting to really take a toll on both of us. however some of the things we're fighting about are pretty justified, i think. being in a relationship is hard and with him trying to play hockey, most of his time is devoted to working out and getting in shape; so much so that he's leaving in a week to go trian in lethbridge with his sister's boyfriend who just happens to train nhl players. i don't know it just sucks because i work so much and he trains so much that we don't really see each other. and i get frustrated because the one day i want to go out in 3 months, he doesn't want to come with me. and i don't understand that. we don't do anything ever because we're both too tired so we just hang out with his family or my family or just us and relax. he doesn't drink ever anymore and i can't seem to figure out why. it's one thing to not go get trashed 6 days a week or even every weekend but to not have a glass of wine with the family every once in awhile is just really hard for me to comprehend. i suppose i'm starting to miss who he used to be. i mean i like who he is and his ambition and will to do soomething but i miss us doing things instead of staying home and being 'that couple' 7 nights a week. i don't need to drink i just want to do something.
and another thing that really gets me is that he is so frustrating. i don't ask for a lot, i'm not needy or controlling. but when i have a really bad day or i am so incredibly sick that i get sent home 20 minutes after i get to work, i want him to show me he cares. he tells me he cares but dear boy showing me you care is something else. when he doesn't even come see how i'm doing after he saw how sick i am, or when he hangs out with friends and can't even say hi oin his way home. it's little things that really bother me.
who knows though, maybe i'm just crazy.