You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart-- that's true strength. "

The little things.

I hate that boy so much. I am sitting here with my socks half off and half on my feet because they are too hot. If I take my socks completely off my feet will get too cold. What a stupid jerk making my pick up his annoying habits and drive me crazy.

Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore.

The last few nights I've struggled to sleep. I know it's silly and I know it's difficult. I was talking to my sister the other night and I told her I'm sad because there is so much changing in my life in the next few months that it'd be really nice to have something stable. While number twelve and I were far from stable, he was always just a phone call or a text away and then I could visit and our conversation and his hug made everything feel like it was going to be okay. He's 1700 miles away. I can't just text him and stop by on my way home.
The hard part is that I know that this is better for us. Seeing him and speaking to him makes all progress I make go backwards. He makes me realize why I fell in love with him in the first place and everything in my life falls apart again because my heart aches for that love. My body yearns for his arms.
I guess I just wonder why people you love so much have to come into your life if you're going to lose them. Sure, I've learned an incredible amount from him and I've learned an incredible amount about myself from our relationship. Interestingly, I've learned a lot about other people and the way they react to certain things. I learned a lot about how different relationships are and how different people are in relationships.
I understand people come into your life because you're supposed to learn something from them. I sometimes just wonder what the point of the incredible pain in my heart is. What is the point of missing somebody every single day? What is this teaching me?

I wonder if I ever cross your mind, for me it happens all the time.

Do you ever wonder if people from your past think about you? I sometimes wonder if people like sunshine or sofaking or tc think of me. I wonder if I ever cross number twelve's mind. Sometimes I think about them and how they're doing and I wonder what happened to us and how we got here. How did we get here? How could we be so far from the people we used to be? It was only 4 years ago. The person I was then and now are not even comparable. The people I thought would be in my life forever have been gone for a long time. 

I've been watching one tree hill and in this season it's four years since they graduated high school. It's hit me much harder than it did before. In fact I've been bawling for a good two hours. The changes in friends and family and life and dreams has all changed. Everything's changed. I don't even know who I used up be then. I have trouble wrapping my head around love. I have trouble wrapping my head around caring so much for someone and not speaking to them for years. 

I know you're supposed to come to terms with the fact that this is life. Things change in the real world and you just have to roll with it. But I don't understand it. I can't understand it. There's no course that teaches you how to make the right decision when you grow up. Or who to keep in your life forever. Who are you supposed to be? How do you get through the tough patches? Is it ever going to get easier? 

Blessed are the hearts that bend for they will never be broken.

I sometimes wonder why I torture myself like this, at least, I think about it while tears stream down my face. 

I don't know what love is anymore.

I wish you were here.

I've seen your acts and I know all the facts. I'm still in love with who I wish you were. It ain't hard to see who you are underneath, I'm still in love with who I wish you were. 

I wish with all of my heart for you to be happy.

I've been laying in bed basically bawling for the last 2 hours. I'm watching one tree hill. I haven't watched it in a long time. It's hard for me to watch, especially these episodes. 

The combination of this show and the way that number twelve made me feel are the reason I believe in love, true love. I guess it's hard when you realize that you're gonna love someone forever who might not love you back. It's hard when you realize that you have to come to terms with the fact that every day for the rest of your life there is a piece of you that belongs to someone else. A piece of you that you can never get back. 

What am I supposed to do now? 

tired girl.

I am exhausted today. My feet hurt so much and I do not feel good. I'm not even hungover as much as tired because I didn't really drink that much. I have been going to the gym every day (except yesterday and today) and trying to be healthier overall and so drinking just kicked the shit out of my body.
Last night was super fun. We went to a super cool band called Dehli 2 Dublin and they were actually really good. I worked last night too and I couldn't believe it. I had a 79$ bill and a guy left me an 80$ tip. Like it made my entire night. I was so grateful.
I think that's something really incredible to me. If I were really rich, I would tip outrageous amounts to good servers. Like I generally always tip well. To me 15% is shit service and that's because I work in the industry and understand all of the potential things that could be reducing the quality of service. I always tip at least 20% depending on how much the bill is. I think that servers generally work a lot harder than people think. Sure you make pretty good money but you also have to put up with a lot of shitty people in a day.

You and me.

"I love you so much, you know that."

"Just not enough." 

Fraudulent.

I sometimes feel like a fraud. A lot of people ask me for advice (sometimes I give unsolicited advice too) but I sometimes wonder like why the fuck would you ask me? I can give advice and I can see alternative perspectives and I can always make sense of other people's situations but not my own. I'm just as fucked up or more fucked up than anyone else out there. I can often see the things I am doing wrong but I cannot change them because they are inherent to me. It's like look B, you are right fucked up but nothing you can do to fix it.
It's official, I am just completely and incredibly fucked up.

I'm so pathetic.

I cried tonight again. 

They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting.

Why do I love him this much?

late night thoughts.

I feel like I just want to experience what it's like to be with someone else. What it's like to date another boy and be in a relationship with another boy. This is so unnerving and so unnatural for me. The thought of even considering someone else is daunting to me. But I know that it's what I need. I need to experience someone else. I need to experience who I am with someone else. I want to experience who I am with someone else.

I couldn't agree more.

It always does.

In case my song lyrics weren't enough it's starting to kick in again. I'm starting to be sad and it's hitting me. I should have known. It's different though. 

And yes, I still love you too.

It never goes away, does it? 

It's going to feel like this forever. 

I told myself don't get attached.

This is when the feeling sinks in, I don't wanna miss you like this. Come back, be here. 

This is falling in love in the cruelest way. This is falling for you and you are worlds away. 

But you're in London and I break down 'cause it's not fair that you're not around. 

You are an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry.

Maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame. Maybe it's you and your sick need to give love and take it away. 

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.

Today I did pretty well on my reminiscent drive back to RD. I listened to some music because it felt right and I wanted to see how I would react. How incredibly fucked am I to ~test~ myself and my feelings. I did well except for a few songs. Austin by Blake Shelton of course got me and Need You Now by Lady Antebellum got me. I almost lost it during All Too Well by Taylor Swift too. You know it's cruel that I do this to myself but maybe in some fucked up way it's therapeutic. You know, realizing how strong I am now compared to then when I bawled through the entire CD and the entire drive home.