Only hope.

I feel okay. I'm sad that he's leaving and I'm selfish because I want to see him and I know he has a lot of things to do and people to see before he goes. I know that all but I still want to spend time with him. I am sad because I'm gone the last 5 days before he leaves. And he hates leth and I know that. A small part of me hopes that on his way through, he stops to say goodbye. 

He leaves, for two years.

I have known for nearly two years that this was coming but only in the last two days, and especially the last few moments did I realize, just how real it is. Two years is a long time. I'm sure that it will pass by faster than I think, time always does. I suppose the best thing I can do is to trust him when he made the comment, we're already 5 years strong. 

I hate that I love it.

I hate that every time we speak he can reach right into my soul. 

I still love you.

“I can't hold on, but lettin' go, is something I can't do, is something I can't do, even if I wanted to." 

-Jason Aldean 

Like clockwork.

I swear he has some sort of special alarms that tells him exactly when to text me to ruin my life. 

Torn.

Some days I'd wish I would get over him, other days I don't even think that's a possibility and I pray that I never have to. 

Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes?

You know, I'm pretty pathetic. Like actually though. I drive by number twelve's house like I'm a fucking stalker. I can't help myself. I just always want to see if he's home. I guess it's creepy to a certain degree but at the same time, I know if I ever found out that he did that I'd be flattered. I remember one time I drove by his work. I stopped in the parking lot and literally bawled my eyes out because I just wanted to be near him, to see him. It was pathetic and I knew it. Later on a few weeks later he told me he almost came outside, I told him I almost came inside. He asked why I didn't. I didn't know, it didn't seem appropriate. He told me he missed me too and he wished I'd had come inside just to see him, just to talk that night.
I think it's hard because I know right now it's not right for him to be in my life. I know he has to go to Texas and finish school and grow and learn and love. That doesn't make me miss him any less. It doesn't make it any easier to not see him. It doesn't make me stop thinking about him every day. I just want for it to get easier one of these days, to hurt less.

You never played it.

I still cringe a little and melt a little every time I hear She Thinks She Needs Me by Andy Griggs. I can still remember the day when Sunshine told me he was learning how to play it because I told him it was my favourite song.

It was me.

Don't know if it was you or me, different roads or different dreams. All I know is someone said goodbye. Maybe we weren't ready yet to let go of our innocence, guess we'll never know the reason why.

Don't know if it was you or me, different roads or different dreams.

I saw Sunshine tonight. It was kind of weird because he was with a girlfriend and her parents (I presume). It was just kind of weird because the last time I saw him he was at BB's funeral which wasn't really like hey, let's catch up territory. He used to date BB's girlfriend at the time and his brother almost married BB's sister AB.
At first I was a little taken aback, I think because as my mom put it, at the end of the day whether you dated or not, you were each other's first loves. And I think she has a point. I loved him differently than I loved number twelve but he too will always have a piece of my heart. He taught me a lot about life and who I want to be and a lot about who I don't want to be and the company I don't want to keep.
I still hold him with high regard and I maintain a certain level of respect for him that few people my age have shown me. Anytime I think of him, I think about the wonderful times we had each other and it's easy to not regret that because they really were truly wonderful. We had a lot of fun and a lot of laughs but we also talked for 10 hours straight on a flight to Japan. I think he's the kind of person that helped mould who I am today in mostly positive ways but perhaps he brought out some things in myself I would not like to ever resurface. He brought out an insecurity in me that I never wish to encounter again and some of my attitude that I would never like to project again.
At the end of the day, each and every time I think of him, I hope he's doing well. I hope his life is easy and turning out right and I hope he finds a girl that loves him for who he is, not what his name is, not what he has and not what he can provide for her.

Be as strong as you have to be.

I feel like a lot of my friends are falling apart. A lot are seeking help and I really respect that. I think it's courageous. I think what's interesting is how strong I feel. How grounded. I won't lie I miss number twelve every day but I'm okay. I'm strong enough to make it through anything. 

We always want to know why?

Today I drove by a motorcycle accident. I started bawling. 

Natural!

My sister is honestly the best mom in the whole world. 

every single day.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice.

I read Donald Trump, you're still reading twilight.

It's hard you know, when you want to grow and change but you feel like people are holding you back. 

It's not supposed to be real.

I also went and saw BB today. I had a mental breakdown when I did. It was so real. 

Fear destroys us.

I've been very apprehensive to bring this up but I think I'm ready; mom has cancer again. 

Silly mind, stop thinking.

The wedding was in a lot of ways hard for me. Not simply because of the wedding but because it forced me to accept that my friends are in real life king relationships. Partially that scares me about lg. Partially it scares me because I'm not even remotely close to there. I'm not in a relationship. It's also difficult because there was so many beautiful men there and none of them ever want me. I'm insecure about relationships. And I sometimes wonder if I've held on to number twelve so long because he loves me and I know that he did and I fear that no one else will love me like that. I've never been the girl guys like, I'm extremely insecure about my size and I have never felt "pretty" per se. 

I also know that I am fiercely independent, often to a fault. And I think that scares boys a lot because boys want to be needed, we all do but I was never really good at giving off the "I need you" vibe because I don't know if I really believe I need a man in my life. I would love for one to be there but I find it difficult to believe I won't find happiness without a man. 

It's hard because I love do deeply, so unconditionally but I feel like very few people are like that, especially the unconditional part. I credit and blame my mother for that. She is honestly the best person I know and I hope to one day be half as strong as her, love half as deep as her, and be half as kind as kind as she is. 

Flip a coin.

I've been thinking a lot today about lg. I guess I'm just at yet another crossroads where I don't know if it's worth it and I have to decide if it's worth putting forth more effort and risking getting hurt more, being called a bad friend and the c word or if it's time for me to completely step back. 

You put me through it, I wanna undo it.

You stole my happy, you made me cry. Took the lonely and took me for a ride. 

You really blew it.