I know he's right.

I know that he's right but it is so much easier to say. It really doesn't feel that way now. 

Breathe, then swallow, the breathe again.

Life is really tough sometimes. I'm not alone, I know that I have people that love and support me and I'm incredibly grateful for that. I guess I just wish that  someone was in love with me.

 It begins to grow difficult when you realize you're not easy to love. When you begin to question yourself despite knowing you have worth. It's difficult to be strong and composed and to not have somebody to hold you up in your moments of weakness. It's difficult when you start to question whether you're worthy of that kind of love. Why everyone else seems to find companionship so easily. 

Grateful.

Yesterday a girl in my class said to me, do you wear Lancôme? And I was like no why? And she said well you just have such nice skin! 

I have never in my life felt like I have had nice skin. In fact it is one of the things I struggle with the most about myself. I feel so privileged to be with kids who build me up like that. I spend my days with kids that tell me you are so beautiful or you look so pretty today. And I need that. It is the most humbling thing on a day that I don't fee good about myself. On the days I don't fee good about myself to hear that someone thinks I'm beautiful. 

Worth the wait.

Internet gold

You didn't need a new jacket.

Tonight I said, "I like that jacket. Is it new?"

"Yeah, I bought it because someone told me I always wear the same outfits to work". 

I laughed but my heart fluttered a little. I think it's very endearing when he makes a point to take my opinion into consideration. 

Heavy.

It's really difficult when a student asks if I'm okay. B asked the other day if I was okay. I said yeah. He said you look really stressed. I told him I was just tired.
And I am. I am absolutely fucking exhausted. I barely sleep. I am so stressed. I have cried more in the last two months than in the last 2 years. I hate it. And I feel so helpless. I can't even control my emotions.
I am trying so hard to be strong. I am trying to be grateful and positive. I know it could be worse. I guess I just don't understand. Why another test? Why do some people always have to be strong. Is it ever going to end? Is there ever going to be a day when it's easy?
I feel so weighed down. Everything is heavy.

The tide.

There is a tide in the affairs of men....

One of those.

Today has been a really tough day. I just feel like I want to cry all day. 

How convenient, for you.

I really hate it when he plays the boss card. 

Does he calm you?

Tonight my mom and I were talking about this. It's an interesting thought

Try not to miss me too much until tomorrow.

That one stings a little.

Sometimes we want to believe something so badly that we ignore the reality right in front of us. 

Defeated.

Maybe it's okay to feel a little defeated for a day.

Men's clothing matters!

On Friday I started criticizing his attire and before I could finish he was like let me guess, B is complaining that I'm not wearing brown shoes. I started laughing and told him no I was complaining that you have millions of dollars in beautiful clothes and never wear most of them. 

Well you can be damn sure tonight he wore brown shoes and a jacket he knows I love. 

When he does shit like that I wonder how intentional it is. I wonder if he's like ya she's going to love this shit. He knows me so well. Brown shoes are sexy men. It is what it is. Black is boring and requires zero thought. Brown shoes and belt are like a giant waterfall. Black shoes are the Saharan desert. 

Hard, cold and certainly more painful than any lie.

"Sometimes I wonder if anything's absolute anymore. Is there still right and wrong? Good and bad? Truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable, left to interpretation, grey. Sometimes we're forced to bend the truth, transform it 'cause we're faced with things that are not of our own making. And sometimes things simply catch up to us.

Truth is still absolute. Believe that. Even when that truth is hard and cold and more painful than anything you ever imagined. And even when that truth is more cruel than any lie. "
-One Tree Hill

Princess Joseph, you silly brat.

I love that he makes goes out of his way to make me laugh. He hates when I'm upset and it's so awkward when people cry. I hate crying in front of him but he's so good to me about it. After that we talked about why I was really upset and then started talking about our massage place's new found venture into acupuncture. I just appreciate him so much. And I struggle sometimes and I wonder about our relationship and I'm frustrated by the lack of definitive boundaries and the up and down roller coaster ride but at the end of the day, I am so incredibly grateful for him and for what we have even if  I don't understand that. 

Gentle reminder.

"Life kicks you around sometimes. It scares you and it beats you up, but there's a day when you realize that you're not just a survivor, you're a warrior. You're tougher than anything life throws your way, and you are."
-Brooke Davis

You should be here.

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y'all it's sure been a good year.
It's one of those moments, that's got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it'd be that you didn't have to miss this.
You should be here.

Then you stand.

It's really hard sometimes because it's like my friends can tell something is up but they don't know what. I struggle listening to them sometimes because I'm hurting and I'm overwhelmed and I feel so disconnected from them. And I know I'm choosing that. I'm choosing for only D and J to know. I haven't really seen anyone and I barely talk to anyone unless they initiate a conversation or I'm purposely trying to ensure I'm not acting super odd to them. I am responding for the sake of not striking panic or curiosity not because I actually want to talk. I purposely avoid hanging out or make sure I'm scheduled to work so that I can say no. I saw B for the first time in like 5 weeks last week. It's super tough to be around anyone. I spent 3 days bawling to my mom, texting J while he was in China talking about it all and how much it sucks. And when I said thank you and apologized to him for my drunken ramblings he just told me he wasn't judging me, especially knowing what I was going through. I just feel lost. Helpless. I'm trying to be positive and stay busy and trust that I will get through this. I've been through so many things and this is just one more. Another lesson. I don't know how, I have absolutely no idea how I'll make it through this right now but I will be better, smarter, stronger after this. 

I'm really looking forward to D getting back so that I have someone else to hold me up, to remind me I'll be okay and make me laugh.