"Knowledge is learning something every day.
Wisdom is letting go of something every day."
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Thursday, January 31, 2013
I'm a heartless bitch.
It's true that most of the time I am a heartless bitch. It's partly a defence mechanism and partly just who I am. I am not sympathetic to bullshit causes. I don't cry because I had a bad day or a boy doesn't like me.
I am watching Grey's Anatomy and this show actually reaches right down into my soul. I rarely get emotional in movies or tv shows but Grey's gets me every time. I just watched an episode during which a white supremacist who has a swastika tattooed on his stomach wanted a different doctor than a black doctor. So they send him an asian Jew. I cannot imagine being professional dealing with someone like that. So close-minded. Absolutely atrocious that there are still people in this world that think that way.
What I like about this show is that it's realistic. It's not all happy endings. They show real-life issues.
That's been a big issue for me lately. Especially while I am in Education. I am frustrated at society's ability to brush past issues, to ignore them and pretend they do not exist. It is important to me because ignoring these issues only perpetuates these cycles. We need to address these issues if we are ever going to make any sort of progress. Addressing these issues is the only way to advance.
I think when shows go the real places, the real issues and addresses them properly, that's emotional to me. One Tree Hill did a shooting episode once. And that was an emotional roller coaster. Grey's Anatomy does that all the time. The most unbelievable episodes of television. But for 42 minutes, I allow myself to become emotional. I allow myself to step outside of the heartless bitch and become vulnerable. Only because nobody else knows, because nobody else can see it. I'm still the strong girl, the heartless bitch to everyone else.
I am watching Grey's Anatomy and this show actually reaches right down into my soul. I rarely get emotional in movies or tv shows but Grey's gets me every time. I just watched an episode during which a white supremacist who has a swastika tattooed on his stomach wanted a different doctor than a black doctor. So they send him an asian Jew. I cannot imagine being professional dealing with someone like that. So close-minded. Absolutely atrocious that there are still people in this world that think that way.
What I like about this show is that it's realistic. It's not all happy endings. They show real-life issues.
That's been a big issue for me lately. Especially while I am in Education. I am frustrated at society's ability to brush past issues, to ignore them and pretend they do not exist. It is important to me because ignoring these issues only perpetuates these cycles. We need to address these issues if we are ever going to make any sort of progress. Addressing these issues is the only way to advance.
I think when shows go the real places, the real issues and addresses them properly, that's emotional to me. One Tree Hill did a shooting episode once. And that was an emotional roller coaster. Grey's Anatomy does that all the time. The most unbelievable episodes of television. But for 42 minutes, I allow myself to become emotional. I allow myself to step outside of the heartless bitch and become vulnerable. Only because nobody else knows, because nobody else can see it. I'm still the strong girl, the heartless bitch to everyone else.
You might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not.
I took a chance, I took a shot, I told you I'm not bulletproof, now you know.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Paralyzed by pain.
It's funny because I used to think one day you just woke up and it didn't hurt anymore. And that's how you knew you were over someone. But I don't think that's it. I've come to the realization that it didn't stop hurting. It never stops hurting. You just become so hard to the pain that it's like an immunity. You learn to live with that pain every day because there's nothing else you can do. And when you love someone that much, you would suffer endless pain to know that the person you love is happy.
I don't know if he's happy, number twelve I mean. I keep trying to cover my feelings so that I don't spend every minute of every day missing him. I had to learn to live with it. It was the only way. But that pain, the emptiness, the longing, it's still there. It's quieter, muffled, deeper now. I guess some days I hope I burry it so deep it never resurfaces. Other days I hope I have the chance to remind number twelve of my love for him. That he would give me the opportunity to show him just how much I love him because I don't think he ever really knew. I never gave myself a chance to love him like I should have. I never have myself the opportunity to be loved like that. I could never open myself up to that. But maybe, just maybe, one day I will get the opportunity. A second chance. A do-over.
I don't know if he's happy, number twelve I mean. I keep trying to cover my feelings so that I don't spend every minute of every day missing him. I had to learn to live with it. It was the only way. But that pain, the emptiness, the longing, it's still there. It's quieter, muffled, deeper now. I guess some days I hope I burry it so deep it never resurfaces. Other days I hope I have the chance to remind number twelve of my love for him. That he would give me the opportunity to show him just how much I love him because I don't think he ever really knew. I never gave myself a chance to love him like I should have. I never have myself the opportunity to be loved like that. I could never open myself up to that. But maybe, just maybe, one day I will get the opportunity. A second chance. A do-over.
I can be alone, I can watch the sunset on my own.
Yeah you make me merry, make me very, very happy but you obviously, you didn't want to stick around. So I learned from you.
Moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head.
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
6 x 2
The hardest part of my life is that even on the days I can consider a new boy for a few seconds or minutes or hours, at the end of the day, the only one that matters to me is number twelve. At the end of the day when I'm laying in my bed, the only boy I care about is him. When I wake up, I think of him. When I fall asleep, I think of him. When I see the last moments f my life, he's the one laying next to me.
I don't want to start again.
"Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go, but rather, learning to start over."
-Nicole Sobon
-Nicole Sobon
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Rants.
Education frustrates me. I love it and I'm passionate about it. At the same time, it drives me crazy. Everything about universities and the way that they run, opposes everything we know about effective learning and good education, especially large universities. That's a huge part of why I chose U of L. My professors know me, they care about me and they make a genuine effort to advance my knowledge and achieve my life goals.
One of my professors right now did research on my Canadian history class that I took over 2 and a half years so. She did a 20 minute interview with me and still knows my name, remembers my idea and my major.
I think part of why I hate education is because I know that while many other people I know are in faculties of education, they aren't as good as U of L. I don't say that out of arrogance or cockiness or anything condescending. I say that out of proven fact that the faculty of education that I'm in is one of the hardest programs to get into and is world renowned. Obviously not everyone can go through this faculty but what bothers me is that someone who is less prepared and ~probably~ didn't work as hard as I did during their degree is going to be paid exactly the same as me as a first year teacher. And obviously I'm not in education for the money but there's a disconnect there. I work extra hard to say I'm in the best program to work right next to someone who took a program that was easy to get into because they wanted to work 8-4 Monday to Friday and get summers off?
I just don't see how that is the most effective way of educating students. Shouldn't we all have high caliber programs that force students to push themselves? I mean I complain how much homework I have but I wouldn't change it. I like working hard and knowing I'm getting a good education.
One of my professors right now did research on my Canadian history class that I took over 2 and a half years so. She did a 20 minute interview with me and still knows my name, remembers my idea and my major.
I think part of why I hate education is because I know that while many other people I know are in faculties of education, they aren't as good as U of L. I don't say that out of arrogance or cockiness or anything condescending. I say that out of proven fact that the faculty of education that I'm in is one of the hardest programs to get into and is world renowned. Obviously not everyone can go through this faculty but what bothers me is that someone who is less prepared and ~probably~ didn't work as hard as I did during their degree is going to be paid exactly the same as me as a first year teacher. And obviously I'm not in education for the money but there's a disconnect there. I work extra hard to say I'm in the best program to work right next to someone who took a program that was easy to get into because they wanted to work 8-4 Monday to Friday and get summers off?
I just don't see how that is the most effective way of educating students. Shouldn't we all have high caliber programs that force students to push themselves? I mean I complain how much homework I have but I wouldn't change it. I like working hard and knowing I'm getting a good education.
Emoticons.
It's weird when dudes use emoticons right? It's not just me... Unless you wanna bang, it's weird.
Monday, January 21, 2013
how I feel about my family most days.
I know there's more important things,
but don'tforget to remember me.
but don't
Never stop fighting
It's hard to fight the things we're afraid of, sometimes we just need a little help.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Always give more than you take.
I hope you always forgive and you never regret and you help somebody every chance you get.
Need sleep.
Boys are stupid. That's all.
Only it's not all. JS called me tonight to pick up him and B tonight. It was fine except for I was asleep so now I can't fall back asleep. I suppose it's nice to know he thought of me when he was drunk. That could very well mean nothing more and nothing less than I'm reliable.
Only it's not all. JS called me tonight to pick up him and B tonight. It was fine except for I was asleep so now I can't fall back asleep. I suppose it's nice to know he thought of me when he was drunk. That could very well mean nothing more and nothing less than I'm reliable.
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