little things make the biggest difference.

I was laying on the couch having a bit of a nap and I started thinking about number twelve. I miss him and I was praying about him. And then I started thinking about last summer and how we didn't get to see each other much despite living in the same city because of the hours we worked. And I remember he used to come see me before we both went to work at night and I was usually napping from about 2:30-4 so he'd come in my house and he'd come downstairs and watch me sleep. Then he'd kiss my forehead to wake me up and I'd just sit beside him on the floor and lay in his arms.
I know we had and still have our share of issues but he made me really happy and I guess I need to remember how happy the little things he did everyday made me instead of wishing he'd do extravagant gestures to show me how he felt. The little things really do mean the most.

I miss my damn roommate.

bahahahah so tonight I texted my roommate and I was like
"K! 24 hour gym = BEST invention ever"

his response was this:
"more weights, more dates".
bahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaa

no one's gonna love you like I will.

I went to the gym at like 11 tonight because I was sad and grumpy and I missed number twelve. I figured that going and getting some exercise was a better idea than sitting at home being sad about a boy who has forgotten me.

what I got is a six string religion.

I do believe a song can heal me,
it's enough for me.

I want just a little bit more from life.

Give me that off the shoulder dress,
the one that the boys will not forget.

charles bukowski

"The problem with the world is that all the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence."

vino rouge et blanc.

Also I've decided I want to buy a vineyard. I have always wanted to invest in my sister's restaurant because I assure you she will have one one day. But I want a vineyard and it's going to be incredible. I am going to drink wine al the time and be surrounded by delicious fruits so I can infuse them in my wine. I'm going to have a huge beautiful patio somewhere in the vineyard that is covered in vines and has beautiful tables that will be served by the restaurant and I'm going to have people over all the time for wine tastings.

the next food network star.

I am a really cool person. Every night I come home and watch the food network until I pass out. My fav show of all is the next food network star. It's on tuesdays and repeats sundays at 11 and I think 8 too but I'm always at work so I don't know the exact time. I strongly recommend checking it out.

it's the simple things.

I've been in sooo much better mood the last few days. I kind of just decided to stop having a pity party for myself. If you see my kate voegele lyrics a few posts down, you'll see I'm just kind of over begging number twelve to love me as much as I love him. I wish he loved me like I love him but he doesn't so why the fuck have I been so worried about convincing him to love me. You know what I have my flaws but I would also give my life for the kid. If he can't see that no one else will ever love him as unconditionally as I do, then that's his loss. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't love me as much as I love them. Because there is someone out there that does love me, that will love me. Everything about me, all the things I hate. I thought that number twelve was that boy. Maybe he is, maybe he will be and maybe he isn't.
I am 19 damn years old. What the hell am I doing sitting at home crying about a silly boy? I love him and he means the world to me, don't get me wrong but I just am not this person. I am not the girl who sits at home and cries because a boy doesn't like her. I have so much more to live for in this life. I'm going to be so much more than that.

I have been going to the gym again and I think that's a huge thing for me. I've realized that in two days I feel better than I have since I worked out in Arizona. Like I just have become one of those people that needs to work out because I feel good. I feel healthy and happy and prettier. I honestly think I get sort of depressed when I don't work out because I just don't feel good. I am tired and unhappy with myself.

I hope you remember today is never too late to be brand new.

 we're going to a new frontier,
wide open without fear.

nerd alert.

bahahahah so I just text my sister this:
"wheeeuuuuu.
wheeeuuuu!
wheeeeuuuu!"
bahahaha " I got into the class I've been trying to get into for a year. hahaha I am such a fag."
hahahahahah what kind of nerd checks the class list like every few days to see if their class opens up

I'm not gonna beg you to fall if your heart's not in it.

maybe one day you'll arrive, like you never left
and find that while you were learning to fly
well you taught me the best damn lesson
I will never waste a second on talking you into loving me
my breath is far too precious

you'll see I am worth it.

I don't wanna stand here and beg you to fall.
One day you'll see I was worth it all.
and down on my knees ain't where I need to be,
I'm gone.

unappreciated.

I feel unappreciated. That's all I have to say.

only silence as it's ending, like we never had a chance.

As the smoke clears
I awaken, and untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better to watch me while I bleed?
All my windows, still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet.

would it make you feel better to watch me bleed?

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence as it's ending, like we never had a chance
Do you have to, make me feel like there is nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper

that's the truth.

fucckkkk my life.

I'm in such a fucked mood. I am a combination of hungover, exhausted and extremely pissed off. And let me tell you that is NOT a good combo. I am so grumpy and I do not want to go to work and deal with a bunch of rich arrogant fucks. UGH.

finally content with a past I regret.

I loved like I should, but lived like I shouldn't.
I had to lose everything to find out.
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road.
I'm moving on.

prepare yourself for my rage.

I'm so fucking annoyed right now. I want to punch number twelve. What a fucking dick. He legitimately is such an idiotic boy some days. Like yesterday I went to ME's 18th birthday and it cheered me up because all morning I was crying and sad about number twelve and thinking about how much I miss him and shit. And now I would smack him if I saw him. After her birthday antelope hunter's little brother AE text me and told me to come chill out and make him some food at like 2am hahaha. So I went there and we sat in their kitchen and talked for like 3 hours. We had a really good chat actually and I think he was just a bit lonely with his whole fam gone. So we sat there chatting about everything. He talked about his love life and all the little ladies in love with him ( I must admit the kid's a boss. He's pretty sexy for a 16 year old and the kid is hilarious. He's a cocky athlete and he is just so entertaining. He tries to be tough and such but in all reality he's a sweetheart and I hope he finds a really nice girlfriend that isn't a little slut but treats him super good.
Anyways so during our chat we also discussed number twelve, as we always do. And he told me that he was talking him the other day and was like dude what's your sitch with b? And number twelve has just thoroughly enjoyed talking shit about me for quite some time. He also said that yeah he's slutting it up and it's awesome going out and partying etc. etc. but he intends to get back together after that.
Pardon fucking me? You think that it's okay to treat me like complete garbage for a fucking year and then it's just all going to be okay? You think that it's okay to make me feel guilty and use the fact I cheated on you against me all the while you're consciously and intentionally banging  broads, knowingly hurting me and it's a reasonable thing to do? FUCK YOU. That is one of the most brutal things I've ever had anyone done. And fuck you for being so fucking condescending. What I did was wrong and there is no excuse for it. Yet, I admitted it, owned up to it and spent the last fucking year trying to show you that it was a mistake and I'd take it back if I could. What you're doing is no better. You are not better than me. You are going around on a high horse pretending you are so perfect and all of our relationship issues were my fault. Well fuck that. You want to be honest? There was a whole lot of things wrong with our relationship that were partly your fault that led to me cheating on you. So yes I fucked up but I am not perfect. I gave you everything I had and you destroyed me. Be a fucking man and own up to your fucking mistakes too.