invictus.

out of the night that covers me
black as the pit from pole to pole
i thank whatever gods may be
for my unconquerable soul.

in fell the clutch of circumstance
i have nor winced nor cried aloud
under the bludgeonings of chance
my head is bloody but unbowed.

beyond this place of wrath and tears
looms but the horror of the shade
and yet the menace of the years
finds and shall find me unafraid.

it matters not how straight the gate
how charged with punishments the scroll
i am the master of my fate
i am the captain of my soul.

-william ernest henley.

that isn't love.

dear girl on tyra,
you're an idiot. if your boyfriend treats you that shitty, dump him.
hellooo he doesn't love you.
i have sympathy that you're so clueless that you think thats love but i have zero sympathy for you because you stay with him.

better get used to it.

everything will change.

blackberry love.

i woke up today to find an email saying no history class this morning.
lovely i can lay in bed longer doing homework. =)

macbook pro.

i'm currently trying to convince my daddy to buy me a macbook pro.
it's not going well.

suddenly i see this is what i wanna be.

i find that more and more as time progresses i find out who my true friends are. i used to miss rd and i used to miss all the people there so much and every day i miss them less and less. my momma told me she thinks i'll never move home for good again, maybe summer but no longer than that because i've just outgrown the people there and the opportunities it can provide for me. i feel so much more mature than most of the people there and i struggle to deal with their stuck in high school mentality. i don't know maybe i'm just meant to do something more.

september 18.

special occasions, such as a birthday can really show you who your friends are. like people who make an effort to show up to your birthday and people who don't even say happy birthday. here's some examples:
cme never said happy birthday; ouch. same with sunshine. only sunshine's doesn't hurt it just reiterates the lack of respect i have for him.
sofa king on the other hand has a lovely girlfriend as we all know and decided to cheat and continuously hit on me throughout the past 6 months of their relationship and prior to that during their "break". he continuously said happy birthday sweetheart, i miss you... blah blah blah. maybe your girlfriend would like to hear about that seeing as her birthday is today!
and then there's me who barely drinks or parties anymore ever and was sick but came out and had a blast anyways. she said, i love you it's your birthday and you're my best friend. i wouldn't miss it!
and am who was the nicest kid alive and took care of my drunken self all night. he wouldn't even let me drink my own liquor while we pregamed because it was my birthday and i shouldn't have to pay for anything.
same with dream team, they bought me my lunch and they were so very kind as to buy my breakfast sunday morning.
you really do find out who your friends are.

you find out who your friends are.

dear tracy lawerence,
you said it.

distance.

i think the hardest part of long-distance relationships is the concept that you can't just be together. when you have a bad day or week or you just need a hug or you just need to be in the company of the person you care about and you can't. that's the hardest part for me, the inability to just be. the inability to just be together.

obviously there are many other sucky parts however, number 12 and i have a lot stronger relationship than many people because we have to work really hard at it. we have to be intellectual and we communicate because we can't just have sex and get drunk together 24/7. and i wouldn't want to (well the sex part might not be too bad). and perhaps the best part of our relationship is our quality of time. we have little quantities so we have to make it wicked quality.

number 12.

sheesh i missed that boy. i may have skipped class friday to go see number 12 early. after he got cut i was a little worried and i figured i could sacrifice 2 classes, which i already have the notes for to make sure he was okay. we spent thursday night and friday together and i actually got some homework done while he was at school. it was really nice to just spend a few days together. then we went for supper with daddy friday and that was fun. we went to this neat little super italian pizza place downtown and it was tasty. in fact, my appetizer actually tasted like the pizza i had in italy(although it was slightly heavier on the garlic). then saturday i went home for the birthday(expand next blog). sunday i went back to calgary for family supper and we had a yummy delicious dinner. even my princess sarah came =) then it was like 9 or 930 and i was so bagged so daddy told me to stay with number 12. how cute is that. so i did then came back today. it was just nice to talk in person for once. to see him and just lay there and talk and be together. i really missed him.

he said, you have no idea how incredible you are.

the other day i said,
"in a not cheesy way, you are the best thing that's ever been mine. every time i hear tswift sing that song it's all i can think. you are truly so incredible and so important to me. i can't explain to you how amazing you are and how much you mean to me. you're wonderful, don't ever forget it."

today was a fairytale.

how do you know? when you love someone i mean. is it just there and you know? is it love at first sight? or do you fall in love with someone and then you just reach a point where you can't imagine your life without them.

according to antelope hunter...

we're at the 'v' phase of our relationship. (number 12 and i of course) we haven't quite reached the love status. just the lov status. an 'e'. that's what we're waiting for.

i've started to realize i might be at the 'e'.

i've been thinking.

i used to think that there was one kind of love. well two, but in the sense of being "in love" there was only one.
lately, i've been thinking differently. i used to think that how i felt about sunshine is what it feels like to be "in love". if i were to describe how i felt in words (may i add that no words can describe how exactly i felt about him) how he made me feel, i'd say that i was so interested in everything in his life. his voice, his smile, his eyes, a simple text message took my breath away. i was willing to give up who i am for him, and i did. i was ashamed of where i come from and i always wanted to be who he needed me to be. i still lose my breath when i see him. and i still think about him probably daily. i thought it was the kind of thing that i would always plan my life around.
lately, i've been thinking i might be falling in love with number 12. it's different though. i don't lose my breath when i talk about him. i don't try to be someone i'm not though either. i don't feel like he's judging me, it's like he wants to be a part of my life and know me for who i am, not who he wants me to be. and yeah, we fight and we argue and we disagree on numberous things. but he's always there. he's always the one i go back to. when we aren't together i want to be with him. i miss him, little things. i hate when i can't just lay in his arms. i hate when i can't just have a big hug because we don't live in the same city. i want everything in his life to work out. it's entirely different. i can't even explain it. he's so important to me. it's not about this connection where we always know what's going on with the other one, we know when something's wrong we just i don't know.

instant replay.

hey handsome, what time is hockey today?
5:45 to be exact, why silly?
because i'm coming to calgary to get laid... just kidding i was just wondering but my other idea is fun too.
aww i'm soo disappointed now, i was so excited that's a fun idea.

job hunting.

i seriously hate job hunting and interviews and the whole concept. i much prefer the way most all of my jobs have come about... through a friend or a parent or an acquaintance. i really hate the awkward introducing yourself and trying to explain why you're awesome.. i'd really like to just say:
"look, i'm awesome. i work hard, learn fast and like this industry. if you are smart enough to give me a chance, it'll pay off for you. did i mention i'm cute too?"

if you're reading this...

dear s,
if you're reading this then i seriously miss your blog.
it kept my mind sane during school.
that is all.
love,
b.

3pm-8pm.

way way too much drama. i'm seriously dying from the drama of kg. and which boy knocked her up. and who's in love with her and who she's in love with and who cheated on who. yes i know it sounds like a freaking soap opera. telll me about it.

new university day one:

it's great. i like it so much better than cow town. i really really do. i can't even imagine if i were there again. people are nice they actually say hello and hold a conversation with you.
however i hate my poli-sci prof.

lethvegas day one:

teaching cme to make grilled cheese or in his words girl cheese = one of the funniest moments of my whole entire life.