Always.

I'm so pissed off. Actually. Like I hate that I love him still. I'm like professor fucking Snape. When I'm on my death bed someone is going to ask me, "after all this time"? And I will respond, "always". I hate it. I hate that I still love him. I hate that I still care. 

I think what bothers me is that there is a piece of me that can see him waking up one day and realizing it all. And I've said before I fear where I will be in my life at that time. I hate that I don't want to believe in us, yet somehow I do. I think I always will. It's almost like my faith. I cannot explain to you why I believe, it simply is. 

I heard an old song tonight and it talks about wanting to be with the person you know. That's what I want. I don't want to start over. I don't want another love. I don't know if you get that kind of love twice. And if it isn't that kind of love, I don't want it. I don't want a mediocre relationship. I want someone that makes me absolutely crazy. And he does. He knows exactly how and he knows the exact way to make it all okay again. 

It has been 4 months and 2 days since I've spoke to him. That is the longest we have ever gone. And I just want to call him up and tell him I miss you, still. I love you, still.