I'm sorry every day.

Today she told me she wished I'd stop putting myself through all this agony. That I should stop torturing muself. But I don't know how.
I think that's my biggest issue with the whole situation. It's that I  did this and I can never ever take it back. And I've said before I wouldn't take it back because I learned so much. But I carry this every day and if I could take it back I would without question. I hurt every single day. I hate myself for being so stupid and so naive and thinking that the boy I loved didn't love me yet this boy who didn't care about me at all did. I just can't comprehend how I let this happened. But I cry myself to sleep most nights. If I sleep that is. I feel like the worst person you've ever known. Im crying so hard right nwo that boogers are faling out of my nose. I just want it all to go away. This is one hell of a lesson. But I just don't know how to let him go. I love number twelve so damn much. I don't know how  love like that just up and walks away. And every time I convince myself that I need to move on there is some sign telling me that I should never move on. That I need to hold on. I know that all of this situation that us being where we are is my fault.I carry that. I've tried to let it go. But there is always a constant reminder. Someone or something that reminds me how badly I screwed up and how if I ever got another chance I'd never let him go. I'm just at a loss because everyone has noticed how much I've changed. How different I am. I'm not even close to the same person because I don't know what kind of person could do something like that. Destroy themself so brutally. Sabotage their life and their happiness because they are just so afraid of someone actually loving them, someone actually caring about them. I just can't explain it. All the feelings I feel. All the lack of feelings I don't feel. When is this constant piercing of my heart and self-hatred going to go away.