lemons.

however, i am quite excited for fresh fest.

oh life.

give me a few days. perhaps if i find a place to live my stress will half disappear.

wine.

i'm really lucky there is wine in this world. or my life may in fact be even more messed up than it is now and i could possibly more stressed out than i already am.

correction.

between 1/4 and 1/3 better.

stress probably helps.

did i mention i was incredibly stressed out?

well i feel half better now.

sheer exhaustion.

i am mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted after today. looking for places, picking classes, 8 hours of driving, getting little things in order. it was a longgg day.

lethbridge.

well university of lethbridge it is.

it's all about energy.

so yesterday i went to this chick who like reads your energy and tells you things. she's kind of like a psychic but it's all about your energy. i was pretty skeptical but she was nuts. she told me the craziest things about myself. she talked about sunshine and number twelve and sofa king and big brother and the family. she talked about my past and my family and my future. it was so nuts.

the question is...

u of c or u of l??

and it's entirely my fault.

i never knew i cared this much.
this hurts deeper than i thought it would.
i miss him.

you never know what you have until it's gone.

there's no statement more true.

i miss him.

i wish i could enjoy the little things.

can i just go home now?

how can i possibly just want to go home when what i really want is to leave?
i want to go away, far away. where they can't find me and i can be the person i want to be and i can shed everything for the last 18 years that i don't want to carry.
please can i go home so i can pack up and leave again?

on the contrary.

i'd really like to know about school. like if i've been accepted or not to lethbridge.
i could go to calgary again but i just don't want to. like at all.
i'm not even sure i want to go to school at all this year. i have been thinking about it more and more and i just don't know. i've been thinking about maybe going to la. just packing up, leaving and moving to la. can you imagine how amazing that would be? just leave everything behind. absolutely everything.
maybe i'm crazy but i just want to get the heck out of here.

sigh... relief.

welllll i finally got my rag that is a giant sigh of relief when you are double safe EVERY time. trust me. i was having a bit of a fit worrying and stressing about becoming a parent at 18. well, lucky i can breathe again.

i wanna go back to the way it was.

i miss the person i used to be.
and the integrity that drove my life.

i lost myself.

and everything that matters to me.

i feel like i'm taking crazy pills.

is it weird that i just kinda want to marry one of my best friends?
i'm sure you're like umm YES. but really. then you don't have to go through the whole process of getting to know someone and letting that person know you and not having it work out. i hate trying to get to know a boy and putting effort in (ie. 3 years) to have it not work out. like i legitimately thought that i'd one day marry sunshine. and it sounds stupid, i get it. but we just knew everything about each other and we never ran out of things to talk about and we were like drop everything for the other person supportive and it was just exactly the way love's supposed to be. but i just think marrying someone and spending your life with one of your best friends is ideal. i don't really have anyone picked out. (okay i kinda do have one i think i could be happy with for the rest of my life) but i just think it'd be lovely to just spend my life with someone i already love.

straight up.

i feel something for him.

conflicted.

is it wrong that i'm curious? that i want to know what it's like to be with someone else? that i want to know what else is out there? that i want to feel what it is to be with someone else?