Last night I was looking at houses forever. This morning, it's the first thing I wanted when I woke up. I have been thinking a lot lately. In fact, I looked at going to Mexico in August instead of Vancouver. Realistically though, what I want most in my life right now is to buy a house. I want to have my own place and to get a puppy. Yes, I want to travel but I also really want something to call my own.
The location that I want is really expensive, of course. I've been looking in a certain area for a few months and I've found a few places I love. Last night, just for the sake of it, I began looking at other locations. I have expensive taste and there are certain things that I want. I'm not really willing to compromise that. I'd rather have to travel further and live in a place I love than live somewhere I don't love in a location I like.
Buying a house is expensive and rather daunting. I've found stuff that is in my price range though so that makes me happy. I'm now trying to sift through. I'm sure once you get a real estate agent it will become easier but for now it's good to look and see what I like and don't like so that I have a better idea when I begin to physically look at places and begin the process.
It's crazy because there are honestly some beautiful, beautiful houses here. I can't imagine spending 6 million dollars on a house, but you look at it and it's stunning. It's like the castle from Beauty and the Beast. I just started looking at places like that because I wanted to see what sorts of things there was here. I honestly don't know if I would want to have a house like that even if I could afford to pay for the entire amount. It seems so silly because it would be more about impressing others. It's just a house. How can you possibly need so much space?
I did however find a place this morning that I'm in love with. Not huge, just beautiful. It's exactly what I want in a location that I want. It's incredibly expensive but it's amazing. It's about 220 000 out of my price range though haha so I'll be needing to win the lottery to afford it.
Monday, July 25, 2016
Sunday, July 24, 2016
Dreaming.
I'm dreaming of the house I can buy. I keep looking at places and I'm so torn because I really, really want to buy. I want to buy a place where I can have a puppy. And for that reason, I don't want an apartment. It's tough because I want to be centrally located, not super far away in suburbia. My dream is to live in QP. I love it in there.
Heavy.
Some days, getting out of bed is an accomplishment. Today feels a little like that. My heart hurts.
Last night I wrote a long letter to J. I felt better, like I'd released some of the stress or anxiety. Some of my harboured feelings. This morning, I'm exhausted. I feel heavy, like a weight is holding me down.
Saturday, July 23, 2016
Love and duty.
"Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears. In the end that's all there is: love and its duty, sorrow and its truth. In the end that's all we have--to hold on tight until the dawn."
Sweat and tears.
Some mornings you get up, cry a little, go for a run and realize the beauty that exists in this world and the strength that you possess as an individual.
I'm running out of fight.
I didn't get home until nearly one... Been awake since 4. I'm exhausted. Physically, emotionally and mentally drained. I am so unbelievably tired. I'm tired of fighting so hard. I'm tired of fighting a losing battle. I've been saying it for so long. I know that I need to walk away. 4 and a half weeks. I'm praying for the best in 33 days. It's been so long. I'm ready for the change. I'm ready to step in a new direction. Move forward with my life. Please, God, grant me this wish. The opportunity to walk away. The strength to walk away.
Monday, July 18, 2016
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Saturday, July 16, 2016
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Monday, July 11, 2016
"I think that's why I'm sick of love".
She loved the guy. She did it for him. She would've done anything for him. Some women are like that. Some loves are live that. Most loves are like that, from what I can see. Your heart starts to feel like an overcrowded lifeboat. You throw your pride out to keep it afloat, and your self-respect and independence. After awhile you start throwing people out--your friends, everyone you used to know. and it's still not enough. The lifeboat is still sinking, and you know it's going to take you down with it.
Shantaram.
"A man has to draw the line somewhere. Civilization, after all is defined by what we forbid, more than what we permit."
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
After everything, the love still exists.
On Saturday, number twelve stopped on his way back to the states. It was really interesting and totally different than anything I thought I would ever experience with him.
He showed up and came in and sat down right beside me. It should have been weird but it wasn't. We just sat and chatted for like 2 hours drinking water with the soccer game on in the background. After about an hour, he moved my legs across him and we just chat. It was so normal. We sat and talked about everything. Eventually things progressed and it was honestly the least weird and weirdest experience concurrently. There was no insecurity, no judgement, no filter, no reservations. Just us. I think it was really good for me because at no point was I in my head over-analyzing and wondering where it's going or what's happening next. It was probably the most in the moment I have ever been. We cuddled, we chatted, we laughed.
At one point, we were kissing and I burst out laughing and he was like what are you laughing at and I was honestly just like this is so fucked up. But it's not. And that's why it's fucked up. I mean we have barely spoken in 3 years.. I think I've seen you once, maybe twice and this is where we're at.
He really opened up while he was here. He told me so much about our relationship and how he saw it and how silly and immature so many of our fights were. And he's right, they were. We were both so concerned about what other people thought about our relationship and we let it impact our thoughts about one another.
He reminded me how many times we would have a huge fight and then he'd end up laying beside me and we were perfectly fine when it was just us. And I genuinely think that immaturity and other people's influence played such a role in our downfall because we let it. It was so interesting to me to hear his perspective on so many things. He said after everything, we're still here: best friends. We always make it back.
I think more than anything that speaks to our love for one another. For me, that was a sense of closure that I needed. I truly believed in our love and for so long I couldn't understand how a love like that can't overcome all odds. And the truth is, it has overcome all odds. There's no bad blood. There's no anger or resentment. A few comments came up about different situations and how things might have played out differently and I just looked at him and said honestly, it doesn't matter now. It was so long ago.
We sat on the steps outside and just watched the stars and talked and ate supper. Just enjoying the beauty of simplicity. We talked about our futures and some of the stuff he said just blew me away. The things he thinks about and what he wants in his future. And he asked me about what I want. I think that's the nicest part. We can talk about our lives, past, current and future without it being awkward. It can include us, it doesn't have to though. It can be about other people and experiences with them.
He melted my heart a little at one point. We were just laying and chatting and he was holding me so tight and he said, "feel safe yet?" I know it's silly but the reason that tugged on my heart strings a little bit is because years and years ago I told him that my favourite place to be on the worst days was in his arms because I felt safe for awhile. There were a few other things that he remembered and mentioned and I never really thought he was listening to me half the time I was speaking when we were younger.
I think that's why I needed him and this experience with him this weekend. The last six months have been really tough. I mean really tough. And D is incredible to me but I don't lay in his arms to feel safe for awhile. Being with number 12 was solely unconditional love. The kind most people dream about. After everything, knowing your mistakes, knowing the best and the worst parts of you and still loving you for exactly who you are.
I needed that. I needed to feel loved for awhile. I don't need him in my future, not like that but to know that someone loves you as much as you always believed they did is humbling but validating as well. And to know that no matter what, you have a friend you can always go back to, that is the best feeling.
He showed up and came in and sat down right beside me. It should have been weird but it wasn't. We just sat and chatted for like 2 hours drinking water with the soccer game on in the background. After about an hour, he moved my legs across him and we just chat. It was so normal. We sat and talked about everything. Eventually things progressed and it was honestly the least weird and weirdest experience concurrently. There was no insecurity, no judgement, no filter, no reservations. Just us. I think it was really good for me because at no point was I in my head over-analyzing and wondering where it's going or what's happening next. It was probably the most in the moment I have ever been. We cuddled, we chatted, we laughed.
At one point, we were kissing and I burst out laughing and he was like what are you laughing at and I was honestly just like this is so fucked up. But it's not. And that's why it's fucked up. I mean we have barely spoken in 3 years.. I think I've seen you once, maybe twice and this is where we're at.
He really opened up while he was here. He told me so much about our relationship and how he saw it and how silly and immature so many of our fights were. And he's right, they were. We were both so concerned about what other people thought about our relationship and we let it impact our thoughts about one another.
He reminded me how many times we would have a huge fight and then he'd end up laying beside me and we were perfectly fine when it was just us. And I genuinely think that immaturity and other people's influence played such a role in our downfall because we let it. It was so interesting to me to hear his perspective on so many things. He said after everything, we're still here: best friends. We always make it back.
I think more than anything that speaks to our love for one another. For me, that was a sense of closure that I needed. I truly believed in our love and for so long I couldn't understand how a love like that can't overcome all odds. And the truth is, it has overcome all odds. There's no bad blood. There's no anger or resentment. A few comments came up about different situations and how things might have played out differently and I just looked at him and said honestly, it doesn't matter now. It was so long ago.
We sat on the steps outside and just watched the stars and talked and ate supper. Just enjoying the beauty of simplicity. We talked about our futures and some of the stuff he said just blew me away. The things he thinks about and what he wants in his future. And he asked me about what I want. I think that's the nicest part. We can talk about our lives, past, current and future without it being awkward. It can include us, it doesn't have to though. It can be about other people and experiences with them.
He melted my heart a little at one point. We were just laying and chatting and he was holding me so tight and he said, "feel safe yet?" I know it's silly but the reason that tugged on my heart strings a little bit is because years and years ago I told him that my favourite place to be on the worst days was in his arms because I felt safe for awhile. There were a few other things that he remembered and mentioned and I never really thought he was listening to me half the time I was speaking when we were younger.
I think that's why I needed him and this experience with him this weekend. The last six months have been really tough. I mean really tough. And D is incredible to me but I don't lay in his arms to feel safe for awhile. Being with number 12 was solely unconditional love. The kind most people dream about. After everything, knowing your mistakes, knowing the best and the worst parts of you and still loving you for exactly who you are.
I needed that. I needed to feel loved for awhile. I don't need him in my future, not like that but to know that someone loves you as much as you always believed they did is humbling but validating as well. And to know that no matter what, you have a friend you can always go back to, that is the best feeling.
Friday, July 1, 2016
So much gratitude.
He is the best person I know. He truly is. On the last day we just went for a lemonade and talked and laughed and danced and sang in his car. I think he knew I was dreading not seeing him every day. I'm definitely going to miss that guy over the summer. And I know, he said we'll hang out but it's not the same as every day. When you have someone who lights up your day, every single day, it's tough to transition to not having it.
Even this morning, we were chatting and I was laughing so hard. He always knows the right thing to say to make me laugh. It's just who he is. And I am so incredibly grateful for him.
Sometimes you have to lose people that you really thought mattered. You have to step away and it's difficult. But sometimes, if you're really lucky, you meet someone new to help you grow and strengthen your character.
Even this morning, we were chatting and I was laughing so hard. He always knows the right thing to say to make me laugh. It's just who he is. And I am so incredibly grateful for him.
Sometimes you have to lose people that you really thought mattered. You have to step away and it's difficult. But sometimes, if you're really lucky, you meet someone new to help you grow and strengthen your character.
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