Best parents.

I just don't understand some people's lack of respect. I look at other people and I wonder who raised you? Then I am grateful for my parentals, especially for the days I hated them. Those are the days I know they loved me enough to make me hate them.

What the faaack

I had the world's most fucked up dream last night. Like actually. I dreamed that sofaking came to one of my family functions, came inside with all these papers and a little book all highlighted to shit. He made me come outside with him and was like let's take a walk. He asked if it was cool if KM came because she was in the car and I was like uhh I'd rather not she didn't seem too impressed with me the last two times I saw her,understandably. 

So we took a walk to some university or place with like 8 million stairs and walked to the very top because we figured no one would be there. There was so many people we kept moving to different spaces. 

Then he starts talking to me and apologizing to me and explaining stuff about what happened with us. He had me like reading passages from this book and reading about the genealogy of my name and stuff and I was like wtf. Hahaha 

There was no real resolution but he was talking about like our nicknames for each other and stuff and I was so confused. He apologized to me for completely dropping our friendship after going through so much and being so close. He said he had to do it for KM and he realized how immature it was for her to give an ultimatum even given the circumstances and for him to follow her. 

I never really know what to think when I have dreams about him. It's like steps of closure if that makes sense. It's like I know that I am never ever going to understand his side d what happened in real life so my subconscious needs some sort of closure, some sort of understanding. 

How did we get here?

What happened to us? 

Only 3 weeks.

Soooo I wasn't supposed to work tonight but I ended up getting called in. I had a party that was late but their bill was $1190 and their auto-gratuity turned out to be around $170 which means of that I take home like 120$. So I ended up making about $140 tonight plus my wages which ended up being like 6 and a half hours. So that's like a $200 dollar day almost. That's really good because I am so broke. I have so much I need to buy and pay off and such and it's pretty stressful actually. I am moving though. I honestly cannot wait. I am planning to move the last week of June.
My new place has a hot tub and a puppy and I can't wait. It's less money than I'm paying now too which is IDEAL because there is more space.

I miss you every day.

You know Bretton, I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm trying to figure out why you. It was the same with Kale. It just doesn't make sense to me why someone so young and full of life, so full of ambition and potential has to be taken so soon. Every day I look at the photo of you on my wall and I just try to understand. I just to be as good of a person as you were. I want to be better. I want to be remembered in that highest honour.

Means the world to me to hear this.

"I honestly can't say that I would be as big of a person. And I mean that like there's no way I could go through emotional hell all the time and still be happy for people. I'm not sure I could love someone so selflessly the way that you do with Number 12." 

Love stories.

It's hard you know, listening I love stories and happy endings. DVZ said to me tonight, "Sometimes it freaks the shit out of me how much he can make my day or .. Not, with like one sentence. " 

And I said I know I get it. Sometimes it's just hard for me to hear. And she apologized and said she wasn't trying to throw it in my face. 

I told her I know that but it's hard for me because I feel that every single day, only I don't have a boy telling me he loves me and it'll all be okay. 

Interesting horoscope on a sentimental day.

Ghandi

Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it anyway. 

Thankfully.

Good news about being a history major and english minor... apparently writing 20 essays a semester improved my writing since second year.

You've got a good heart, so what?

Do you ever wonder if the choices you make matter? Does being a good person make a difference? 

12.

All she wants is just that something to hold onto, that's all she needs. 

bitter?

Sooooooo this is probably rude but I'm just wondering WHY IN THE FUCK YOU ARE ALWAYS HERE. Quit living with your grandparents at 21 so you can split your time elsewhere.

Flashbacks.

I hate people who victimize others. To make someone not feel safe in their own home, skin, etc. is one of the worst things you can do to a person. To rob them of their sense if security. 

I'm just alone.

I'm afraid of being alone. I'm terrified of always being alone. My mom is this strong independent woman. And I think a huge part of why she's been single for so long is that she's too independent and not-trusting. And I think she's so incredibly strong and I admire her strength so much.
But I fear her strength. I fear that I have that inherent independence. I have this inability to trust people.
All of these people are in relationships, pretty much everyone I know is in a relationship. And I don't honestly care that I'm not in one right now. But it's always been number twelve for me and we've only actually officially dated for like 4 months of the 5 years we were together. We were together for much more than that but the label of boyfriend and girlfriend lasted less than 4 months. And that terrifies me. What if I'm undateable. I know how ridiculous that sounds but at the same time, it's not. Everyone else is always dating. I know that in large part, I don't open myself up to the possibility of dating because no one else is number twelve. But what if I'm so scared that I never let anybody else in.
I have no doubts that I can't make it through this life happily and successfully alone. I doubt that I can't do it with someone else. I fear that I will never be with someone else. I mean it seems so easy for everybody else to find someone. They break up and move on and date someone else. That's never worked for me.
Even when I was crazy about sunshine, I still had a lot to deal with. It's just so hard for me because I see all these happy couples all the time and it's never me. I'm not ever in the relationship. I'm never the happy couple that people wish they were. I'm not the happy couple that makes people believe in love.

Every day of my life.

Yuck.

I have a kidney infection. It's awful. 

Yuck

So I got really sick last night and I still feel terrible.  I checked web md of course because of its reliability as a source (kidding). It says I have swine flu, lupus, cancer, or diabetes as the to four possibilities.  Couldn't suggest the regular flu eh? 

It's inherent. I can't explain it.

Is this feeling ever going to go away? Is it ever going to be easier? Is my heart going to get lighter? Is that feeling in the pit of my stomach going to shrink or disappear? Is my inherent belief ever going to fail to believe? 

It's you. It's always been you.

I hate that every single day I think about how much I love him. And I have these moments where all I can think about is the moment when he comes back to me. The moment when he once again says, "I love you too".