Silly people getting married at 21.

Did I mention that I start school tomorrow? It seems so unbelievably crazy. I am unsure of how I feel. This morning it felt so weird to be in Leth. Now I am feeling pretty good since I cleaned. I think it will be really good for me to be here this summer. I think it's important for me to not be in RD. I think living near number twelve is just a recipe for disaster. I mean I was home for like 3 days that he was home and I ended up staying at his house. That's just not good for my heart. It's not good for my sanity in any way. I love him, I always will but it matters to me that he cares too. And unfortunately, that's why I had to let him go. It was hard giving him back his stuff but I think it's the most important thing for us. I think we both need to stop being in this in between phase.
I think it will be good for me to live here. I think it will establish the living alone and growing up thing I've been looking for for so long. This is the first summer I've never gone home. And it's weird because when I got back to leth last night I was like, it feels soo nice to be home. This is my home now. And that's a really important thing to remember. I have built a life here and I will continue to build a life here.
I will have the opportunity to leave all of the people behind that I want to leave behind. I know that sounds mean but I'm looking at days that I will be taking off and like I just can't take off all these weekends. That's when I work. I need to make money. I have to take off enough time for my sanity with school, I don't have much time to be taking off all these other weekends.

Productive.

I was so productive today. This morning I woke up and relaxed a little bit. I was up at about 8:30 but I relaxed in bed for about an hour and a bit. Then I had a shower and DVZ and I went to Cora for breakfast, it was so unbelievably delicious. When I got home I got my things ready and went to the University. I had to pick up my parking pass and my transfer student form and my prerequisite waiver form. I also went to the book store to see what textbooks I'm going to need and how much they will cost me. I found out my gym membership isn't included in this tuition so I have to go pay 86$ for four months which is virtually NOTHING for a gym membership. Especially because the gym was like dead today so that should be nice.
After accomplishing all of my school related errands, I came home and started cleaning. I rearranged my room and I cleaned it up. It feels so nice because I have gotten rid of a lot of stuff and a full bag of clothes. I have done most of my laundry the rest is still being washed but once I'm done my sheets then I think it will feel complete.
Have I mentioned just how much I LOVE fresh, clean sheets? I love them. I am going to have such a good sleep.
It feels kind of weird that I moved my room around because this is the way I had it first year but now my bed is on the floor so it's not like literally on the windowsill and I have my TV stand/shelf on the side instead of up tall. The other difference is that I don't have a desk in here so it is sooo much more spacious. I have my printer and garbage can and gym bag against that wall but it opened up my room so much. Maybe I will post pictures after.
I like it though. I will have such a good sleep in a clean, pretty, rearranged room.

Every time.

I hate that when he texted me tonight my heart skipped a beat.

Greatness is in number twelve's stars

It is Clooney, Freud, T. H. White, Orson Welles, and Valentino's birthday today.

Another year, the same boy.

Tomorrow is his birthday. I have to wish him happy birthday because I would regret forever not. But I'm absolutely terrified to speak to him.
Last year I was away, and I had wifi where we were staying so that even though I sent him a birthday card, I still wished it on the day. I remember walking back to the hotel with P, one of the Irish boys on our tour and he's like what's wrong love, you seem a little down tonight. And I said, it's his twenty-first birthday. He spoke to me about him and told me he believes I'm too good for this boy he's never met. He thought I was brilliant and it was kind of nice to see, you know?

I can so confused and frustrated.

You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day.

Always and forever.

I'm just laying here in bed and all I can think is now what? What do I do now? I'm supposed to let go and move on and live life on rainbows? I mean I gave him my heart and soul on a platter so I guess, to some degree, I have let go and provided myself with the opportunity to move on. The key is that, I love him. I'm always going to love him. He's always going to have a part of me. So where do I put that?

Over 5 years of my life.

Now what?

apathetic, indecisive, and in love.

I feel like I should talk about the last two days but to some degree, I'm not entirely sure what to say.

Take a trip somewhere.

Number twelve and antelope hunter were inseparable in high school, like literally. They went to different schools and it was still weird to see one without the other. After their first year of university, things changed. They lived together. They're still friends but not nearly as close. I get that, I do. But usually boys are less likely to change their friends groups as much as girl groups. It's weird though because now antelope hunter is best friends with CM and they honestly make sooooooooo much more sense together. I always was so confused by number twelve and antelope hunter's friendship because they are so incredibly different. Like their core values are different and it's inevitable that that kind of thing catches up with you. CM and CE (antelope hunter) lived together the last 2 years and they are so much alike. In the sense that they are both such unique people.
CE left yesterday to Europe to see another good friend AD. AD moved to London last year with his girlfriend. And AD lived with CE 3 years ago and CE and CM two years ago. It's hard to believe it was that long ago but they are honestly going to have such a wonderful time. My only fear is that CE isn't coming back. He's been to hell and back in the last year and I just don't forsee him coming back,

I can't breathe without you, but I have to.

It's fearless to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them.

Serenity prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

It's all on him now.

I don't know what to think or feel now. I expected some sort of response. Even if it was a, "what the fuck is this".

I breathe in, I breathe out.

I stayed at number twelve's last night. I know; stupid, stupid girl. At the same time, I have finally worked up the courage to take him the box of things I need to take him. Which is three CDs, 40 ish letters and his hoodie I've had for over 4 years.

Me, now.

That moment when you know what you're doing is so wrong but you have to do it anyway.

Fortitude.

I'm sometimes arrogant. I don't mean to be, it's just I've suffered more hardships than most people my age. I've been through a lot. I'm grateful for those hardships and all of my experiences because they made me who I am. I wouldn't want to take that back despite how truly difficult they've been. I am who I am because I've faced adversity.

I often do.

Do you ever feel like you outgrow people?

Momma, I love you.

I honestly have the best mom ever. I love her so unbelievably much. She is able to make you feel better about anything, always. Just talking to her makes everything okay.

moments.

Sometimes, you don't realize how much you miss something until it comes back into your life for one silent moment.

I fought for you, but you never fought for me.

I think tomorrow is the day. I'm terrified but at the same time I think there will be an inexplicable feeling of relief. At least, I hope there will. I hope there will be the relief of knowing there is absolutely nothing else I could have said or done, I gave absolutely everything.