ew.

so yesterday i went to a birthday party and she did this big extensive scavenger hunt. i ate chicken feet and dill pickle slug ice cream and i drank a prairie fire and some sort of toilet bowl cleaner tasting shot. i also bobbed for barbie parts in water. it was fun indefinitely. but disgusting.

hypochondria.

so i've been quite sick lately and i'm scared to go to the doctor because i wait until i'm so sick i can barely function... only the problem now is that if i told them everything that is wrong with me they would think i was either a lunatic or a hypochondriac. for example: what would you think if i told you i cannot sleep but i am always tired; my stomach is upset no matter what i eat and i've been trying to eat extremely healthy to try and trick my tummy into feeling better; i am achy alll the time.. you know when you get a bad flu and everything hurts all the time? yep thats how my body feels; i get extremely dizzy on a regular basis(ie. at least twice a day). i know there's more but i just can't seem to think of them right now.

sideways.

i haven't gone out since probably the beginning of may if not the end of april. but we're gonna give'er a try tonight. wish me luck.
it's time to play, gonna get a little bit sideways.

gossip girl.

haha i just realized that s and b sound very gossip girl-esque. i never thought about it until now. one day we will be the upper east side new york types. =)

enjoy the little things.

dear s.
you're hilarious and made me miss this so much. you made my night.
hahaha thank you.
love,
b.

talk about pressure.

i really like number 12. and i love when we stay over at one another's houses and sleep in the same bed and cook together and work out and just everything. for the most part, things are going really well for us. but living together, that's a really big step. am i wrong for having doubts? things change when you live with someone; especially the person you're in a relationship with. i mean i get it. chances are that if we lived in the same city, we'd likely spend 5 or 6 nights a week together anyways. but at least you have the option to stay home in your own space without being like hey i'm fucking sick of you back off. i'm not worried about school because we actually both would focus on that a lot.
i'm just scared. am i being a baby? or is that legit thing to be scared about?

the real world.

i am so upset about university. i want to go to lethbridge. i want to be a teacher and make a difference in students lives when it matters most.
but it's like the whole world is tellling me otherwise. the universe is telling me to go to calgary, to get my art degree and become a lawyer.
i don't know what to do. u of c keeps screwing up my transcripts. dad lost his job and now works in calgary. number 12 is going to calgary and keeps pushing me to come with him so we don't have long distance all year especially while he plays hockey. i mean he asked me if i'd live with him tonight.

i wanna feel something again.

i'm trying to figure out why i quit blogging.
and reading s' blog.
i just feel some sort of release from saying words outloud. and reading someone else's everything. tears, dreams, hopes, happiness, sadness, hurt, everything.

can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

i could use a dream or a geenie or a wish;
to go back to a place much simpler than this.

and breathe.

just breathe.

why does it take someone else.

"we do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit."

release.

i missed this.

i never meant to hurt you.

well that doesn't really matter because it all hurts the same.

it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

when you want to give up and your heart's about to break,
remember you're perfect; God makes no mistakes.

shades of grey.

is it wrong to be with someone that you know you will never love as much as someone you loved before.
is it wrong to be with someone you know you'll never connect with in the same way and the last.
is it wrong to love someone when you're in love with someone else.

it always comes down to love.

love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star.

e.e. cummings.

to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

salty tears.

and i have absolutely no idea why.

puffy red eyes.

i've been crying for almost 24 hours straight.

bend till you break.

i just don't know what to do anymore.