twelve.

it's the number that runs my life these days. i mean let's be serious.. like he is the center of my attention and now i don't know if that was a good idea. lethbridge may have been a very bad idea. like partying, unreal. seeing antelope hunter, loved it. then silly silly number twelve comes along.
ugh i don't even know what to say. like waking up next to him is like one of my favorite feelings in the whole world. i just didn't stop smiling the whole entire day. and like talking to his mom for ten minutes on the phone, how many girls do that with their ex-boyfriend's mom. and the whole idea that he was like what do you mean you aren't staying here tonight? and he's just ugh. he just makes me feel like such a mess. it is such a roller coaster. that is the only thing i can describe it. we are so unbelievably unsuited for each other. i hate so many of the little things about him. i hate that he doesn't shave most days even though he knows it annoys me so much. i hate his g-stars shirts. i hate that he pretends he doesn't care about anything. i hate that he pretends he is stupid when he is so not. i hate that he wears socks and sandals. and i hate that all these things just make me want him more. all the things he does to drive me nuts just makes me miss him more. think about him more. wonder if it was a bad decision.
i don't know i just feel like he really cares still but he doesn't want to. i think he's afraid cause i hurt him last time. and i don't blame him. i mean i did break his heart. and i think it was a horrible thing to do, but it gave me so much strength and taught me so much and i just don't know what we are now.
like what does this mean? where do we go from here? what are we? i just feel so lost.