i can't explain but i'm in that place.

i can walk right by your picture in a frame, and not feel a thing;
but when i hear your name.

my little princess.

i miss my niece. i can't wait to cuddle her. i still love her, just not her name.

rant.

by the way, did i mention that i hate that they named her sarah. like for flip sakes. my dad is not your dad, meaning my grandmother is not your grandmother. meaning, you shouldn't have named her that. plus, you claim it was after your cabbage patch doll, really who names their kid after a doll. it flusters me so much because he doesn't love you like you want him to and he is never going to. i'm sorry but you both made decisions to get you to this point and it's not fair to try and push the relationship b and i have with him that we have built for 18 and 22 years. obviously you skipped out for 10 years and it's extremely convenient that you came back around when the money came around. perhaps i'm just really bitchy but i've never written about this before. i have never done this. oh and while you're at it, stop neglecting mom. she's made some mistakes but she raised us well. and she did a fan-fucking-tastic job raising you are your own so treat her with the respect she deserves. geez you made me mad. oh and by the way, you are bi-polar, so get the flip back on your medication because without it you are an absolute loon.

starbucks, you save me.

i think i might go get a tea. starbucks always makes me feel better. i mean i'd really like a bubble bath with a glass of wine but seeing as how i really don't feel like going to the liquor store, i might just go get tea. plus i feel rather alcoholic-ish when i drink alone. i feel like nothing is going to satisfy me right now. i mean, in case you can't tell from my recent blogs, i'm kind of being a negative nancy right now. i'm just in pain and grouchy and tired and sore. i think i might spend all of saturday/sunday at home. if number 12 comes to calgary i'm legitimately going to lay in bed as long as i possibly can. i have to come home tomorrow but i think calgary is the place to be this weekend. so i can do some homework and get some rest. and relax. relax. relax. relax.
okay starbucks please make me feel better.
venti, four pumps sugar-free vanilla, non-fat, berryblossom white tea misto. thanks.

classy or trashy.

okay have i mentioned how bad i want my tatoo? i'm not like some crazed tatoo addict or anything. i just want this one because it really means something to me. it's not in a spot anyone will see unless i'm in a bathing suit and it's not for anybody else. it's for me. it's to remind myself. i've wanted it for two years. honestly, i think most tatoos are very trashy and they look stupid. carpe diem on your foot is really original. butterflies, not sweet. tribal tatoos, um hello which trailor park are you from, you are white hey? i've seen some very tasteful tatoos, ones that mean something. but for the most part, i just don't get why you'd want to cover your body in something you won't even know why you got on a whim when you were 20 years old. it won't mean anything, other than you had a few too many one night and it will be saggy and unattractive and ugh.

every picture tells a story.

i am so off-track. i cannot seem to focus. i feel like i just want to lay in my bed forever. (good idea stirling). speaking of which. i've decided stirling is really sexy. even if he is number 12's best friend. well, actually i always thought he was sexy, he is a cowboy after all. i was looking at his pictures from christmas and f me does he look good. and i mean drool good. like i have been creeping so much lately because he looks THAT good. i miss the days when i could dream about boys and eat as much junk food as i want and just play soccer and have sleepovers and just live the life. we talked till 4am and it was always comforting because that feeling, the everything is going to be okay feeling, was always there.

in case you couldn't tell, i'm rolling my eyes at you.

girls really annoy me. the fact that they are so on and off about friendships. you know, i understand the taking a break or not hanging out because you need some space or you're busy, i get that. i really do. it's the i hate her, we're best friends, i hate her, we're best friends thing that really annoys me. no you are not. you are not best friends if you hate her. you aren't at all.
everyone gets in fights and you get mad or frustrated with your best friend but you don't hate them. you hate some of the things they say or do to you or others but you don't hate them. hate is such a strong word and it just makes me so angry that people do that. i have one friend, mlr and i love her to death but she does this all the time with friends. she like hates them but still hangs out with them all the time. and then she won't hang out with them for a long time because she hates them and then all of a sudden they are best friends again. i just don't understand. i just don't get it. can somebody please attempt to explain girls to me? i think i missed the gene that makes you act like a dumb girl because i do not understand 99.9% of girl logic. i must have been in the male logic line that day.

we're all mad here.

begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop.

sentence first, verdict afterwards.

it would be so nice if something made sense once in awhile.

i am too lazy to type it out. it's amazing though.

http://www.nexopia.com/users/bakerr%2A/blog/friends/2

dalai lama

take into account that great love and great achievements involve risk.

just do it.

how do you say goodbye to someone you can't live without?

and people wonder why i'm friends with boys.

okay i think this is a rather funny story and i really should be doing political science but this is just so funny.
okay so this girl is like really nice but rather controlling over her boyfriend.. only not angry controlling, more like whiny controlling. she is a sweet girl actually. however last night her boyfriend wasn't answering his phone because as he worded it, "i was pissed and needed to blow off some steam". then his girlfriend broke up with him, ON FACEBOOK.
like really? are you serious? that is such a not sweet thing to do. first that is a stupid reason to break up with someone, second of all on facebook is like the most petty, immature way to go about that. oh and now she's upset and sad they aren't together. like are you freaking kidding me? girls are just so dumb. dumb. dumb. dumb.

cranberry juice.

"you slapped that green beer fad right in the face and said,
"red is the shit!!!" end of story. "
-hot brad.

chromeo.

= sick band.

country is starting to kill me.

i'm feeling like some old indy=rock... any suggestions.
or really any good music at all.

quit playing games with my heart.

hey sofa king, i'm really glad you love me but i'd appreciate if you didn't tell me on a regular basis.

i love you brunklyn.

i'm kind of a mom. haha it sounds crazy but i'm the mom of my friends. i can go out and have a good time for sure but i always give the be safe, don't drink and drive, i'll pick you up lecture. i don't mind picking up my friends at 3am even though they all pretty much live out in the country. taking them home lets me know they'll be safe. i gave the lecture today to big brother, asked him to have a drink for me and made him promise neither him nor sofa king would drive home. i love those boys too much. i told him to pass that on to sofa king. he told me i was lame for not going out and then about 10 minutes later my phone started flashing blue and purple again(meaning either dragon or big brother), "i love you brunklyn". i like knowing they know i just care.

ain't no use defending words that you will never say.

and now that i'm sitting here thinking it through;
i've never been anywhere cold as you.

sunshine.

and i will always think of you as someone i love.

every once in a while.

every once in awhile he reminds me that i'm his best friend. today was one of those days. big brother and his gf broke up. ironically they broke up right after i began actually becoming fond of her. she's got a good heart. today he talked to me about it all because he knew she had been and he knew i'd make sure she was okay and reassure him that he's okay. he needed to hear the girls side of it, the way a girl feels when you break up with someone you love.
boys don't understand that girls and boys can't be best friends right after you break up. and he told me that's what he wants for right now, to be friends. because he still wants her in his life, he's just not ready to be with her right now. he also told me that he can see himself spending the better part of his life with her. i told him it's not fair to let her hold on to those words, the 'i love you' and 'some day'. i told him i am going to encourage her to move on because false reassurance does nothing for nobody. false reassurance from everyone else is what kept me kicking around for three years for sunshine.

sometime through our conversation about friends he said thank you. thank you for shooting me down almost 3 years ago and just being my best friend. i'm so glad we never dated b, so glad. i reminded him that i had to do that and that i love him with my whole heart, i do, i just don't want to be with him and i didn't want to lose that friendship. ironically after i shot him down, we stopped being friends for a year and a half. but once him and her broke up, we were best friends again, just like that. in like a month and a half because we were best friends. i think that time let him move past the 'i want to date you b' thing so that we could get to where we are today. he reminded me that we can support each other and love each other to death without having to know every single detail of the other person's life. and that's a pretty good feeling.

it's really nice to know he still sees it. and he likes to remind me of it, somehow when i need to hear it the most; every once in awhile.

another pet peeve.

girls who wear waaaay too much makeup. i mean some girls need makeup, other girls like makeup (some a little much) and other girls just don't need makeup. use a healthy, pretty amount of makeup, if you'd like. i mean makeup is amazing, it can transform you. but what's the point of transforming yourself into someone who no one knows without makeup. i like makeup sometime, i don't wear much very often but it can be a nice way to just add a bit to the plain jane routine(or plain b baha). mostly it devastates me to see beautiful girls wear overbearing amounts of makeup. you're beautiful, show the world.

s, my dear i've been creeping facebook.

in case you didn't know,
you're a knockout!

class.

there's a difference between gorgeous well-taken pictures of a cute kiss, or a cheek or forehead kiss or something that is classy and real. it's the dirty mexico i'm a drunken skank pictures that get to me.

facebook.

oh my gosh. biggest pet peeve.
please stop putting 800000000 pictures of you macking your boyfriend on facebook. it is wrong in oh so many ways. first off, no one wants to see that. second off, the fact you are with him kind of disgusts me being that you are basically with someone you used to be good friends with's leftovers. third, it's disgusting. fourth, i'm sure you probably are in love, but to me posting pictures of yourselves during sexual expedentures on fb is skanky and shows nothing about love, only sex. and love and sex are two very different things for you dumb girls who haven't figured that out yet.

did i mention it's gross and no one wants to see that?

fml.

i think i may plan my week.

(15)today-start poli-sci essay outline
start history novel(intro, chpt1&2)

(16)tuesday-finish poli-sci outline
read history novel(chpt 3&4)
read poli-sci essay

(17)wed-read history novel(chpt5&6)
read history week 10
take poli-sci paper to office hours

(18)thursday- poli- essay outline edits/begin essay
read history novel(chpt 7,8&9)

(19)friday- read history novel(chpt 10,11&12)
work on poli- sci essay

(20)saturday- read history novel(chpt. 13, 14&15)

(21)sunday- finish poli-sci essay
finish history novel
find history sources

(22)monday- find history sources
write history outline
find acad sources

(23)tuesday-read poli-sci essay
outline acad essay
finish/edit history outline

(24)wednesday- read history week 11
work on hist essay

(25)thursday- history essay

(26)friday- hist essay
acad essay

(27)saturday- edit poli-sci essay

(28)sunday- finish acad essay
finish hist essay

(29)monday- final poli essay
edit acad essay

(30)tuesday- final acad essay
read poli-sci essay
edit hist essay

(31)wednesday- final hist essay
hand in poli-sci essay
hand in acad essay
read hist week 12

(1) thursday- hand in hist essay

(2)friday- BREATHE

let my heart rest in

i don't want to see you anymore, i'm just not that strong.
i love it when you're here, but i'm better when you're gone.
i'm certain that i've given and oh how you can take.
there's no use in looking, there's nothing left for you to break.
baby please release me, let my heart rest in pieces.