procrastination at it's best.

you know what i just realized... i realized that last year at the same time i was thinking fairly similarly about number twelve to the way i am now. and i waited like another 4 months to say anything.. i think maybe talking to him would be a great idea because then we don't have the not really sure where we stand thing. but the only problem is that i don't really know where i want to stand. i mean it'd be nice to be together, but we can't actually 'be together'. it's like an emotionally together, see you once a month, if that kind of together. and if i am going to say okay what are we, i don't really know what you'd say back. and to be perfectly honest, i don't really know what i'd want you to say back. 

i want to put myself out there, i want to for once say what i want and do what i feel instead of just pretending it doesn't bother me and i don't think about it. for real though, like if i knew i could  be in the kind of relationship that was 2 hours away(following the speed limit of course) then i might be okay with it. maybe that's part of why it didn't work, it was too easy last time. except it really wasn't easy at all; it was complicated and messy. 

i just hate that with like a few words about nothing at all, you make me smile. i haven't had that in a long time. it's not even when you're saying something funny, it's when you say anything. i used to be addicted to my phone, like blackberry pearl=life. but then i got my new one and i didn't add the people that i didn't really care to speak to anymore. i deleted people i don't need. and i stopped talking to lots of people just to talk. dragon even pointed out yesterday that i'm not really on my phone anymore when i'm with her and she finds it weird. and i was like well i guess i just deleted sunshine and he and i talked from the time we woke up to the time we went to bed so it was just convenient to talk to other people. and then when i told him i don't want that anymore, that i wanted to move on i just didn't care to see my phone as much. my face didn't light up when i got bbms. and i just didn't really feel like it had the same importance. 

but then number 12 and i started talking and my face literally lights up when i know it's from him. like i smile when he says anything just because of the way he says it. just the support, the stability, the reminding me of my worth when i'm feeling a bit down, the stupid little things about his day. any of it. i just smile genuinely again.