how can you be so lost and so found at the same time.

as much as i don't know what we are or what we're going to be, if anything; it's like we got connected again. it was something that let us let go of all the shit that happened. and that was really refreshing for me. i got to know for sure that you know i'm truly sorry about what i did to you. i got to make up for all the awfulness that we encountered.
i feel like the other night i just like let it go. everything. i am so lost in what i want because i don't really know what i want. i mean i told sunshine to not talk to me and that was the most invigorating, empowering, terrifying thing i have ever done. i'm losing mlr and i feel like i've already lost trc. i understand that high school ending causes things to change and for the most part i've been dealing pretty well. i finally stopped putting everyone else first 200 percent of the time and started doing the things that i wanted to do. and i've changed and i'll be the first to admit that. but i don't care any less; i just started caring about myself too. i feel like i have lost so much but i'm doing good. i am for the most part, happy. sure there's things missing and stress and bad choices and mistakes and problems. but that's life.
i used to be this depressed girl who pretty well hated life and attempted suicide. and now i feel so far away from that girl. i don't even know how i was like that. mom and i were chatting today and she's like you know, i really love you, you are just like me. and i was like whoaa mom hold up. in many, may ways, we are NOTHING alike. but in the ways we were talking about i am actually a lot like her. and all the garbage i went through made me so much better of a person. i don't wanna be bitter towards her because it's not fair, she made a choice that i don't agree with but it's her life and as much as you kinda give that right up when you become a parent, she's doing the best she can. she reminded me that the reason i am the way i am regarded relationships and depending on people is because of her. she asked me why do you think your sister thinks she doesn't deserve good things in life, you're intuitive, what'dya think. and i was like i don't understand it to be honest. i don't need anybody. sure it's nice to have other people around and i love my friends and family but in all honesty, i've just never been the girl to need anybody. and that scares me a little bit because yes i grew up faster than most people and i've been through a lot at the age of 18 but i know who i am and i know that i don't need somebody else to tell me my worth. i don't need a boy to reinforce that i'm enough. i don't need someone to defend me or do the 'men's' work in my life. i mean i have bruises all over my hands because hotb tried to tell me that i'm a girl so i'm somehow lesser. like wrong, i'm a girl and i can do anything you can.
i am so unsure of what i want but yet i don't really need anything.