i need you to let yourself need me.

so mlr is pretty choked at me. and i don't really blame her. i mean yeah telling her was hard. but i knew she would be really mad if i never told her at all. and she would be more mad than any of the other people i haven't told. but she's over reacting a bit too. i think she has trouble with the fact i've changed. because i'm not the girl who gets a coffee and goes to the boys' hockey games every friday night anymore. because i don't spend my life trying to make everyone else feel better anymore. because i don't do what other people want me to do anymore. i do what i want to do. and i think it's hard for her because she isn't 18 and she feels left out. but i also think that she is a mess right now. i wonder if she still wants to be with mal or if she just doesn't know how to be without him. if she just like wants to have some sort of stability in her life and he's it. she pushes everyone away that cares about her and i get it i used to be like that. but i just try so hard and i know she wants me there because she needs that and she knows i'll support her to no end. she knows that no matter what she's going through, i'll be there, i'll do anything, no matter what. and that scares her because she has had so many other people bail in her life. and she knows that i won't. it's hard to be supportive of a friend that is afraid of your support. i don't treat her like all the rest of them do and i never will. it's not who i am. my friends mean the world to me and i don't betray that. i guess its just hard to let people into your life when everyone else has walked out. i understand it, i do and even though i've never given her a reason to think i might leave. i don't understand it but i do, only because i was the exact same way.