Tears.

I am incredibly emotional today. I'm not sure why. I am worried about mom and school and work and just everything. I feel kind of like I'm trapped. I'm trapped inside this place where I'm going through the motions of duty and obligation. I hate it. I hate it so much but I don't know what to do. Serving feels like I'm more open. I don't know. I don't love grade 1. I love my children, I really do but not grade 1. These children are not meant for me. I don't feel like I'm helping them. I'm not passionate about teaching them to read or write. I want children who know how to do that. I want to teach children how to think, how to write what they feel. I don't care what they did on the weekend or if they can spell their name with the letters correctly. I feel trapped in this place where I'm concerned about mom and dad and B and J. I am trapped in this place where I feel like I have to take care of everyone. I have to make sure everyone is okay.
I feel like I get up each day and just go through the motions. I miss serving immensely. I miss the adrenaline I get from being so incredibly busy for a few hours and then walking out with a couple hundred bucks. I miss not being able to come home and completely forget about school because I'm so exhausted.
I'm dreading parent teacher interviews. Like dreading them. I am beyond terrified to tell two parents I think they should medicate their child because I am anything other than an advocate for medicating children. But I truly believe that the only way this little girl will ever feel successful is school is with medication.
I am dreading telling another parent I think their child has a communication delay. I am dreading telling parents that their child is not where they should be and they are quickly falling behind due to their work habits and lack of parental support at home.
I feel like I grew up in such a short span of time. I don't know when or how I transitioned from student to teacher. I don't know how I transitioned from mature adolescent to young adult. I just feel like everything is happening so fast and it is so out of my control. And it scares me immensely because I am a control freak and a half. I like to be able to control things that happen to me or at least have some say in the circumstances.
I just feel incredibly overwhelmed. Or in shock.
I feel like I'm living someone else's life.