I just want to take your time.

I am in the weirdest place lately. Moving has been so wonderful for me but it's been a real eye-opener at the same time.
I have had a lot of time to think lately since work is closed so I have lost one of my outlets. One of the reasons I really like serving still is that at the end of a long week of teaching, it's a pump of high-stress environment coupled with adrenaline and adult social activity. Basically, it takes all of my stress from teaching and puts it on the back burner because restaurants require all of your focus for a limited period of time. I love getting pumped for 2 or 3 hours and then it's over. My immediate stress is gone and I'm too tired to think about all of the million little things about teaching I'd change.
It's also been a very different experience to not know I'll see J 3 or 4 times a week. We've been talking more and obviously had more time to talk and I've been to his house more and seen him outside of work more but it's kind of a weird dynamic. I feel like when I talk to him now, we talk. It's genuine and he's engaged and it's not a 30 second flirting or bitching or chirping session. We have conversations again and we haven't really for awhile. When I first started teaching, the change was gradual and I never noticed it really. And then November hit and it was report cards and I went to Vancouver and things kind of changed. December hit and we were so busy with Christmas season and he was a stress case and a half; then he left. January was overwhelming for me. February started to slow down and then we closed. And he relied on me and I really needed him to do that. I felt so good for him to need to have someone to vent to and reassure him. I liked being that person for him. I like being that person for him.
Now I don't know what to think. When we speak, he's engaged and we've talked on the phone more again and we've spoken about real things. But he is so hit and miss. We speak and see each other and then we don't talk for days. And I know we're both busy but it's almost like he goes from being incredibly interested to not giving a flying fuck in a span of 1 text message.
I don't want to be mistaken for saying that I don't want to date J. I don't know if I want to date him yet. I think he has some things he need to sort out and I know that I do. I certainly wouldn't be vehemently opposed to it but I'm not overly upset that we aren't. If I'm honest, I'm afraid to date J a little bit. Well, I'm afraid to date anyone for that matter. I am afraid of allowing myself to become completely emotionally, mentally, and physically involved in someone else. I don't want to give up myself in my next relationship and I think that is something that will make or break a relationship with J. We are both incredibly independent people and I think it will work very must to our benefit, or it would be the destruction of us. I am absolutely interested in J and I love him but I don't know if I'm in love with him because we haven't had that chance. We have inconceivable chemistry and we have a lot in common, including a lot of core values that really matter to me. He makes me laugh and he challenges me and he inspires me. He also supports me and he makes me feel valued. At this point, I feel somewhat blessed to be in an emotional relationship with him because I feel like I can ease into the relationship thing that I'm so terrified of. It's almost like a grandfathering process. Slow and steady progress; potential. And to be honest, I'm really okay with it. Sure, I have days where I crave the physical presence of a man. I crave to have someone because everyone else does, not because I particularly want someone. I think that's why I felt so validated with BR. He made me feel wanted and he cares about me and I know that. And his sheer physicality was exactly what I needed.
I feel a lot of pressure about J as well from outside sources. My family really gets to me about it and I know I shouldn't let them but I really need to not speak about J to them or anyone else as difficult as that is. I feel pressure from teachers, A and G and M and L. I feel like they want me to be in a relationship and I think they think I'm not happy. And I really am quite satisfied with my life right now. I feel grateful for my apartment and my career and my jeep and especially my family and friends. I feel grateful to be healthy and sleep well and able to exercise. I feel grateful to have employers like my principal and vice-principal and J and T who value me as an employee AND an individual.
I guess what I'm realizing more than anything from this is that I really need to focus on what I want and ensuring that I'm satisfied with the things in my life. I need to focus on striving for my own goals and worry less about what other people think. I am making an effort to reduce my time spent talking to J. And it has been difficult. I haven't spoken to him since Thursday and it feels like an eternity to me and he probably hasn't even noticed. I am trying my damnedest to be stubborn and strong because maybe he needs to realize he misses me (I hope). And it's hard for me because I recognize that as a person, J needs a lot of validation himself. He needs to feel needed and he likes attention. But I also feel like he's a little bit selfish and I need him to recognize that we all need to feel needed, or at the very least wanted. I need J to show me that I'm important to him. So I have to step back and allow him to step forward.