Dreadful nostalgia.

I miss Number Twelve a little bit today. Not in a way that I want us to get back together but I read that quote about missing someone and the dreadful nostalgia. I think it's so true. Even though that kid is so ridiculous and I was so blinded by my love for him for much too long after we broke up, he is an amazing human being and I feel blessed to have him as such an important player in my life. He was an integral part of my adolescent development.
I would be lying if I said I didn't love him. I always will. It's a different kind of love now. I think I miss our friendship more than anything now. I miss silly things about our relationship. I miss his presence I think, like when we would study beside each other. Or he'd sit at his kitchen table while I sat in his bed and then he'd bring me coffee and just come sit by me for a few minutes.
I am no fan of JP but I will always remember what she said to me the first time she ever saw number twelve and I together. He made us a coffee for our drive back to Leth after JP and PD broke up and she had to drop some stuff off to him. 12 and I unpacked his room and just hung out while they talked forever. We weren't speaking much at this point and I hadn't really seen much of him. He made my coffee and put the milk in and he said, "your's is ready. Sorry JP, I don't know what you take in your coffee. And here's some of mom's cookies, I know how much you love them."
We got in the car and JP said to me, "you two really love one another". I was like what do you mean? She's like the way you look at one another, and speak to one another, the way you carry yourselves around each other, it's clear that you have a strong love.
And at the time that was really tough to hear and in some ways, it still is tough to think about that. At the same time I feel blessed. I feel blessed to have been with someone who was my best friend. I feel blessed to have been in a relationship where our love was radiant. It was obvious to other people and not because we were trying to make it obvious. I feel so blessed to have fallen in love with someone who loved me so deeply. I am so grateful to have been blessed with that silly boy and his heart.