It's my own fault. I know that it is. I make excuses for him because, "he's never been in a relationship" or "his parents' relationship wasn't a positive model" or "he's just not ready". When in fact all of these things are just excuses to make myself feel better. If he was ready, we would be in a relationship. It's my own fault for allowing us to get here. I rely on him so much more than he relies on me and it's not fair because I want to be here for him like he is for me but he rarely lets me. The more I think about it, the more frustrated I become. I mean he's got the best of all worlds. He has me for whatever he wants me to be, whenever he wants me to be. He has a great employee, a friend who would do anything for him and a girl who is head over heels for him with little effort on his part.
I am mad at myself. I am mad at myself for being stupid and naive and pathetic. I am mad at myself for knowing everything I know and still feeling how I feel. I hate how I feel and I hate that I give into him and I have been through this before. Granted he treats me better than sunshine but it's still like deja vu. I am so incredibly angry because I know everything about this feeling. I am consciously aware of what I am putting myself through. I just don't know how to stop.
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