time heals everything.

i read my entire blog today. it started on september 12... well that's when this one started, i've been blogging on nexopia for like 2 years or something crazy like that. as i read through, i realized how far i've come in like 2 months. two months ago i actually wanted to be with him, and now, i have no idea why. two months ago i was an entirely different person. i think that reading through my history is like a way to recognize why i've done what i have, why i do what i do, why i make the choices i make, why i am who i am. being able to read back to two months ago is crazy. exactly 35 days ago, i gave him the letter. and exactly 30 days ago he read it. that was the end. it has been exactly 20 days since we've spoken at all, and it would've been longer but hearing your daddy's best friend died well... even i'm not that cold. i'd be heartless if i didn't say something. i don't know i just feel like it's not that hard anymore. i know it goes a great day followed by feeling worse than ever but it just doesn't feel like i'm really missing out. it's like i finally realized i can do this. for real. and i'll say merry christmas and then hopefully go away and when i come back then it'll be a new year. and i can be a new person. i already started thinking about my new year's resolutions. i just want to be a better person, be myself again. and i told p the other day that i was mad at him for driving me out by your house that night. and i was. and i told him all about you and #12 and he thought it was quite humorous that i actually was so drunk i'd say anything about anything going on in my head because that's not who i am. i think he was surprised to see that i'm not always held together and i don't always feel great and my life isn't always perfect despite how hard i work to make it look that way. i think he finally realized that i'm human and that i need a support system too. i can't just be the one to catch everyone and he was like appreciative. and that was refreshing. i realized that n err dragon and phlg are still there for me and they both know me soo well it's almost frustrating. but it's nice too. i feel like i don't have to pick up my own pieces for once.