6+6=lethbridge

shaking a bit, achy, nauseaus, hot and cold flashes... sounds like swine right? wrong. it's called nerves. i am so unbelievably nervous. and yet incredibly excited, can't wait at the same time. i mean i miss you soooo much. and i have been thinking so much lately. like what i'm going to do. i wanna cuddle. out of this weekend, the road trip, that's my goal is to lay in your arms and feel safe again. feel that still, the calm. and know that nothing can hurt me. but i'm still so worried. i don't know where your head is at, or more your recently increasingly dirty genetalia. i'm nervous to see you. like crazily nervous. i want to go back to where you and i were about a year ago.. only i'd like to do things a little differently(experience changes everything).
so dragon was at my house the other night, and she was like okay i want you to be completely honest. like don't lie at all because i'll know. would you honestly date number 12 again? i was like ah silly girl how do you know me so well. are you asking if i want to date him or if i'd consider it. if you would consider it. yeah i'd consider it. i mean things are different, we've both grown up alot and he still is so sexy and absent-mindedly makes me want him allll the time. but i don't know if i would actually date him until we both come home from school. i mean he's an 18 year old boy in his first year of university living it up and i'm at least an hour and a half away. i can't expect him to be faithful to me. plus, i really am sketchy on long distance relationships. i mean i am sure they work for some people but i just don't think it's the best way for us to begin a relationship. again. it kind of scares me cause when we dated the first time he was like looking so far into the future. he was talking about what we'd do in the summer and then we would make it work in the fall when he was gone and it wouldn't be that far. we could do it.
i mean how stupid am i. (rhetorical question, i already know). he wanted to basically commit to me for life and i was scared beyond imagination so i did everything i possibly could to run away. i was terrified. i am not ready for the kind of commitment dragon and kodiak have(3 and a half years already. hold up.) but it'd be nice to give us a real opportunity. and have me not be like dude you are a crazy girl. that boy is in love with you and you could fall in love with him if you would just let go. well i let go. and i think that i would enjoy having another(unfortunately i can't say 2nd.. it's closer to 3rd or perhaps 4th if you count the 'seeing each other' time) chance to be with you.
and maybe all of this is just crazy.