That's the way I loved you.

I was driving today and The Way I Loved You by Taylor Swift came on. And when it did, I realized everything. 

"He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better

He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says, you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I've been screaming and fighting
And kissin' in the rain
And it's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you

Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space and never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing, and I'm comfortable

But I've been screaming and fighting
And kissin' in the rain
And it's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you

Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
'Cause I'm not feelin' anything at all

And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated
Got away by some mistake and now

I'll be screaming and fighting

And kissing in the rain
It's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you

Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

And that's the way I loved you
I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you"

This is exactly how I feel about MV and Number Twelve. MV is perfect, he is incredible to me but there is absolutely nothing there. He is everything a girl would want a man to be. But it's not enough. I don't feel anything at all. 

I am almost mad at myself. I'm mad that I cannot feel anything for anyone. 

I feel like all of my friends are getting married or having babies or moving in together and it's just so frustrating because all of these people are finally getting their happy endings and I have to start all over. I put my heart, soul and everything I have into nearly 6 years with number twelve and now I just have to take all of that as ~life experience~? How do you even start over after that long with someone. 

Strength.

So last Wednesday I started to write about it. I was tired though so I went to sleep. In my class on Wednesday, I got super emotional. It was overwhelming actually. We talked about personal life changing experiences. We had to write about a significant person, a significant place and a significant event.
People began to share these incredibly personal stories with people they've known for only a few weeks. One guy spoke about the testicular cancer, another girl spoke about losing a friend, and the guy right before me spoke about the racism he encountered in Calgary because of the colour of his skin.
When I went up I think I was just so blown away by the emotional toll I had just encountered (I was one of the last to share). So when I went to speak about my sister getting pregnant and J being born, I burst into tears. I remember how sick B was and how they thought she had cancer so when she told us we were relieved. And since she's built such a wonderful life for herself and for him.
I felt like even though I got super emotional about it, I felt like I half-assed the story I shared after everything I encountered this year. I felt like there are a lot of more horrible and more personal things I could have shared. So I was talking to MV about how I kind of felt like a coward for not really opening up the way that I should have. And he spoke to me about it and he was just so kind and so supportive and I didn't really know how to explain it. He reminded me that I have been through a lot in my life and it's okay if I'm not ready to share with other people. He reminded me that being strong isn't relative to someone else. Everyone has strength in different moments. It's okay to be silently strong. It's okay to be strong without showing the world how strong you are. It's okay to just be strong instead of act strong.

You're not sorry.

You used to shine so bright but I watched all of it fade. 

Why love.

I have found companionship with MV. I think that's what's the best part. We have talked like all weekend since I left and it's just nice to have someone to talk to. I honestly like miss hanging out with him and it's just so weird because it's just literally that notion of someone next to you. He keeps me from my own thoughts. And I think that's so important sometimes. Like we have our spots and his house and his spare bed is amazingly comfortable and it's funny because I always fall asleep. I fall asleep because I feel safe when I'm with him. I feel secure and content. 

It makes me think like do we even need relationships? Do we need marriage? Do we need ~love~? Or do we just create this ridiculous notion of what we think life is supposed to be? I mean I was in a relationship (essentially) for 5 years and now it's over and I'm consistently happier than I have been in years. I don't doubt for a second that there's a shortage of love between 12 and I. I know there's an overwhelming  amount. Does that mean it was a good situation or relationship or whatever? Love isn't enough. 

Into the Wild.

"Rather than love, rather than money, rather than faith, than fairness... Give me truth." 

Probably should be shitfaced?

I had close to 16 shots tonight. I would say at least 12 and I feel completely sober. What the fuck is wrong with me? 

Best person I know.

Tonight I had a bit of a breakdown in class. Remind me to talk about it tomorrow and remind me to say once again how incredible MV is. 

It's okay to let go and move on. You're worth it.

As I reread my last post, I thought to myself you are cheating, it is emotional cheating. I also realized that it's okay for me utilize the friendships I have in my life. It's okay to appreciate those people and rely on their strength during my weakness. I know that people have used my strength during their weaknesses so what makes me so special that I shouldn't rely on other people.
Perfection is in my nature. Idyllic dreams and overachievement and high expectations have driven my life for so long. And yes, while these are a part of who I am, they are not all that I am. I am not better than other people. I always tell other people to rely on me but I never really rely on them. Relying on MV and TT has changed my entire concept of friendship in the last week. MV shows me every single day the way that a boy man should treat me. Every single day he shows me that I deserve better and that it's okay to have people in your life that support you and believe in you and strive to be a part of your happiness.
I'm not cheating on getting over the last six years. I'm finally utilizing supports that actually work. I'm taking steps to put myself first and infusing people who support me every day to move on and life my life. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss number twelve because I absolutely do, every single day. But I don't feel broken anymore. I don't feel fragile. I don't feel like at any given moment if the wrong song comes on, or I watch the wrong movie, or see the wrong person that my entire world is going to come crashing down. I feel like I'm going to be okay this time.

Is emotional cheating a real thing?

I think I'm cheating. I mean in the sense that I'm basically having an emotional relationship with someone so I don't think about number twelve as much. I mean MV does everything for me. I talk to him most of the day. He cooks for me. We drink really good wine together. He's who I rely on at any moment I feel weak about number twelve. The best part is that I usually do something slutty and seriously regret it the next day and I'm embarrassed and angry at myself etc. But sleeping with him isn't even really something I'd want to consider. I mean he's wonderful, yes I don't have bad things to say about him. But he's not the boy I'm going to end up with so why waste my time ruining a friendship with someone I actually trust and respect? I also usually end up feeling like I've cheated on number twelve. But this time I don't feel like I've cheated on him, I feel like I'm cheating on the whole getting over the last six years. I don't even have to commit to a relationship or tell someone about myself and my history; I just have someone there every day who treats me well and does nice things for me.

But actually.

I'm seriously considering asking him to marry me and maintain an open relationship. 

Love those four.

Okay I feel a little bit bad about this but fuck it was funny. Last night MV went and hung out with K after work instead of us and my comment was "guaranteed after she goes home, he'll call me" which he absolutely did. So he walks in and MS and I looked at each other and both started fucking killing ourselves laughing. His shirt looked like it belonged to my niece. It was so small for him like beyond tight shirt Tuesday tight. So obviously we made fun on him a bit. And it was all in good fun. But he went back to his house to get something and when he came back I once again looked at MS and was like how much you want to bet he changed? He's like no way, no way. So he walks around the corner and I start laughing again because he did in fact change his shirt because we were giving him so much razz. And honestly he's like fuck I knew you would notice B. And I just laughed.

I have been an alcoholic lately but fuck I love those guys. MS and AL and MV and TT are just my lifesavers these days. 

Cheer up kiddo.

I just got a pretty nice compliment. I don't always know how to take work compliments. I was told that during revenue MM (aka owner of our mox) only has 3 potential servers in the entire place. I knew who the first was immediately. I have served him multiple times so I wondered if I was two (I was). I asked who three was. We don't even have a three anymore because KD is gone because she had a baby. That is a hugeeee compliment. I don't really feel appreciated most days, but that was definitely one. 

Grateful.

Sometimes your heart breaks in a good way... Like when you realize how lucky you are to have certain people in your life. How lucky you are to have friends that would do for you what you would do for them. 

And to love.

I think in the end all any of us want is to be loved.

Here's to me, and them.

Tonight I realized that I really lucky. I'm lucky to be who I am. I'm lucky to have the friend I have. I'm lucky to have a friend who calls after a date because he's excited to talk about it and encourages me to be better, to do better. 

I realized I'm really happy. It's nearly 4am and this is the earliest I've been home all week. I am laying in bed thinking about all the breakdowns I've had a few says after I took steps away from number twelve... I'm not broken this time. I spend time with people who build me up every single day and they have absolutely no idea they do. 

This girl inspires me all the time.

This passage changed my life. I have to remind myself of its truth often. 

Harry Potter had my heart first.

I really love this.

I can always find a way to not give myself a chance.

I have been thinking about it a lot, especially on my drive today. NC (number twelve's sister) picked me up from school today and we basically toured southern Alberta for her job. She's a Labatt rep so she basically drives to liquor stores and sets up the marketing stuff and has people sign things. We were talking about my week etc. and how fun it's been and what I've done and she's like well it kind of sounds like you're dating... are you sure you're not? And I was like absolutely sure. And then it got me to thinking about it. And I was thinking about how I think he's a brilliant man to marry but my heart doesn't jump when I see him. Obviously he makes me very happy and I have a great time when we hang out but in my head I'm not like I want to kiss him or bang him or any of those things. And I feel like those are some important features of a relationship unfortunately.

Nonsense.

Have you ever had a friend where you love them as a friend but you're unsure of  how you feel about them as more than a friend? Male/ female friendships in my life have a complicated history. Maybe it's just I find him attractive but that's all. I honestly love the kid. He's a wonderful person and a great friend. He's good looking and kind and fun. But I don't know if I feel like there could ever be more. You know?