self-conscious.

I'm in a really funny place. I went to the gym tonight and I already feel like a million times better. I cleaned my room today, well tidied it, and did laundry. I also bought groceries yesterday so I can eat good food and feel better because I feel like balls lately.
I don't know why I do this to myself. I try to rationalize not going to the gym or whatever because I'm tired when in actuality, every time I go to the gym I have more energy and I feel a million times better. I eat better because I don't want to waste my work outs and I don't want to be the fat girl at the gym.
It's really hard for me to talk about weight and size and eating etc. because I had/have an eating disorder. I say have because I'm not entirely sure you ever really get rid of an eating disorder. It is a constant mental battle every single day of my life.
I'm not a tiny girl, I never ever have been and I am extremely self conscious about it. I don't think very many people realize it but I am extremely, extremely self-conscious of my size. I am a tall girl and I was built athletically. I am not built skinny or tiny even in the slightest. I'm almost 5'9" and in the most muscular point in my life I weighed 165-170 lbs. I know that I was strong, but that is just such a high weight for a female.
If you know my build, it might make more sense, but when girls talk about being like 120-130lbs, I cringe. I would love to say I weight 140 lbs. But even when I was extremely anorexic I was about 140-145 lbs. If I weighed 120-130 lbs it would honestly be disgusting. I would be one of those girls who you looked at and would be like wow that girl needs to eat a cheeseburger. I would be unattractively skinny. I think that's what the hardest part for me is. I know that that's unhealthy and that I could never actually be that weight and function in daily life. It's still incredibly tough for me to know that at my strongest weight I was 165lbs. Most people would never ever expect that I weigh that much and I know that I view myself in an entirely different light that most people, and reality. I have just never been the pretty girl. I have never been the skinny girl. The girl with nice hair or teeth or skin.
I have always been one of the guys. Most girls and guys are afraid of me and make the "she could beat the shit out of you" jokes. And I play along sometimes but at the same time it's hard because it would be nice to just be a girl sometimes. It would be nice to be seen as a female, a sexual being, a women, pretty instead of one of the guys.
I have just never really felt 'pretty'. I don't even know how to describe what 'pretty' is. I have never felt 'beautiful' or 'sexy'. I am just not that girl. I am simple and plain and average. And I think that's the hard part. I think that's why I play along with the 'one of the guys' label. At least, if I'm one of the guys, I'm different, unique from most girls.
I just think it's really hard to be a girl in this world. As much as it's becoming trendier to be a curvy women again, the core of my childhood and adolescent was focused on girls being  skinny sex objects in the media. And I'm just not one.
I have been told by a few people to work in the lounge at the Mox because I have big boobs and long legs. I just don't know if I'm confident enough with myself to do that. Number twelve has been telling me for over a year to work in the lounge because he thinks that I will make unbelievable money. But to me, I just feel like he has to say that. And TK always tells me that too but I feel like she's one of my best friends... she has to say that too.