In this moment now: capture it, remember it.

I think that I know the engagement ring that I want but as I think about it, I think I'd rather marry someone who chose one that I loved without me approving it first. I want to spend my life with someone who knows me well enough to know what I love without asking me about it.
I think it's interesting as we age, how much our perspective changes. This week has been an interesting one for me. After I found out about everything with mom, a part of me wanted to tell number twelve about all of it. Not in the way that I wanted him or needed him to do anything or try and fix it but because I felt like he deserved to know. If it were his mother, I'd want to know. I was partially afraid because I don't feel what I used to feel for him. A significant part of what is difficult about the situation with him is that I spent so long convincing myself and everyone else that we were meant to be together when a part of me knew that we weren't. I couldn't admit that to other people though. I couldn't admit it to myself because otherwise, what was I doing other than being ridiculous for 3 and a half years after we broke up.
A part of it was youth, immaturity. I can see now how many of the characteristics that I desire in a husband he was lacking. That's not to say he isn't a great person and won't make a great husband to somebody one day but not my husband.
When I had him call me the other day, the first time was humorous. I didn't answer because I was at the gym and Single Ladies by Beyonce was on. I mean that's pretty funny. The next time he called, he sounded put off by the fact I'd asked to call him. I'm not entirely sure why, to my understanding we weren't on poor terms. I think for both of us, being involved in one another's lives stirs up a lot of emotion and a lot of hurt which is understandable considering the years of dissidence we spent. When I answered the phone he was basically like what. What do you want?
Immediately, my guard went up because I was calling him out of a genuine love, not an attempt to hurt or a request for anything. I said I don't want or need anything from you. I was calling you as a courtesy but if you don't want to hear it that's fine by me.
I think he was a little taken aback because it's not like me in our relationship in the last few years to just stand up like that. When I told him, I think he was taken aback. He was speechless and I mean that's understandable because there is literally nothing anyone can do or say to make it better. He asked a little bit about her cancer and a piece of my heart broke when he asked me how I was doing with all of it because I know our love was real. We talked for 10 minutes just catching up and he asked me to have coffee or something next time he's home. I said I had to go to work now so see you later.
I think it was one of those moments where I realized that I wasn't "OH MY GOSH I AM SO HAPPY HE CALLED" and "I MISS HIM SO MUCH" so it was difficult to process. It was closure in a way because I realized that yes we loved one another but I have finally moved on.