This isn't a fairytale.

I know how stupid it was of me to actually get my hopes up. I promised myself I wouldn't but I did.
I am actually so delusional. I probably made all of it up in my ridiculous little mind.

That's not true actually. I know I didn't make it all up in my head because of how many comments have been said to me from other girls. I also am a bit perplexed considering some of the things he says to me on a very regular basis. I'm not mad right now or upset really, I actually think it's kind of funny.
It's funny to me that I would actually come up with this ridiculous notion in my head. And I know. I just keep saying to myself, "you knew this was too good to be true" because I did. It is.
Not that I don't deserve someone as incredible as J, I do and I am thinking maybe that's the lesson here. Maybe J is supposed to teach me that I am worthy of more and that I deserve better and that I can be happy with someone new.
He does treat me well and he does make me feel special and maybe I needed to learn that I deserve to feel like that.


The worst part of this is that the overly-critical asshole side of me is now making a list of all the things that bother me about him and that I find unattractive. I know that that is immature but it's a defence mechanism because I wouldn't want to admit that I actually have feelings for my boss who I cannot date because that is completely off limits and I don't know why I ever let myself think it was a possibility.