It doesn't help that mom is deteriorating. I think the whole J thing has been a distraction. I have allowed it to envelop my mind so I am happy and giddy and crushing instead of thinking about the fact that she is getting sicker.
Death is a reality here. It becomes more and more real every single day. And I know, I'm supposed to recognize anybody can die any single day but the thought of even entertaining the idea that my mother might die is just too much. It's too real.
Her arm is so swollen. Like minimum twice the size it should be. When she breathes, it sounds like she has mesothelioma or something. It's like the worst chest cold you've ever heard. She's been complaining that sometimes she feels like she's slurring her words.
I am trying to be strong and reasonable and not worry but I'm kidding myself. I have been doing pretty well with not letting myself stress an insane amount. But if I'm honest, I'm worried. I'm not ready for her to die.
And lately she's been on my nerves because she's been all over me and I have been pushing her away a little bit and just keeping my distance, partially because of work but work is an excuse to not let it get to me too. I don't know I am being very guarded. I supposed it was easy to let J in because he is incredibly charming and intelligent and humorous and clever and attractive and the list goes on. It's easy because his mom just died of cancer and he opened up so quickly to me and he trusted me right away so I trusted him right away. Usually, people trust me early on and it takes awhile for me to trust them. Not J, there's just something about him.
No comments:
Post a Comment